Underneath Their Robes

Banging Her Own Gavel: A3G's Identity, and SFJ Voting Timetables

Welcome to Banging Her Own Gavel: UTR Navel-Gazing by A3G. As its title suggests, in this category Article III Groupie will offer her thoughts on, well, herself and her blog. Of course, A3G often shares with her readers self-indulgent commentary about herself in the course of discussing other topics, but "Banging Her Own Gavel" will focus on A3G and UTR to a particularly high degree. (For a definition of navel-gazing, please click here.)

Today's post will address two matters:

1. Article III Groupie's Identity. Regrettably, A3G cannot address any of the speculation concerning her identity, and she can offer no information on this topic other than what appears here. But she is deeply flattered, as well as amused, by the interest that some people appear to be taking in who she is (see, e.g., this post). Several readers have asked her out on dates, and some have requested, in response to UTR's contest to auction off dates with Supreme Court clerks, that Article III Groupie auction off a date with herself. Unfortunately, due to her aspirations to federal judicial diva-dom, A3G must keep her identity a secret. (And if you would like her to continue publishing UTR, please respect her privacy and refrain from making her identity a matter of public record. Instead, derive the private satisfaction of an insider from your knowledge about who she is.)

A3G is touched by all of the publicity and fan mail that she has received (which she encourages you to continue sending). But as one of the Great Unwashed, a term discussed in detail here, A3G is not worthy of such an avalanche of attention. Nor does she merit attention as the proprietress of "Underneath Their Robes." In this capacity, she is merely a public servant, bringing the Promethean fire of federal judicial gossip to a world shrouded in darkness about these judicial celebrities.

(Article III Groupie has, however, joined Friendster. Please feel free to become her "friend" for Friendster purposes. You can locate her by conducting a user search for her e-mail address, which is [email protected]. In her profile, A3G selected Lebanon, Kansas, as her location because it is the geographic center of the lower 48 states. The age provided in her profile is within a few years of her actual age.)

2. Procedural Improprieties in the Superhotties Voting. Article III Groupie takes the integrity of the voting in the Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary contest very seriously (as well she should, given what is at stake). She must therefore address the valid concerns of possible procedural improprieties raised by Howard Bashman of How Appealing. Mr. Bashman, incidentally, been a great friend of UTR, bringing the site to the attention of thousands of his readers, and A3G deeply admires him for his wonderful blawg, which is a great resource. Because of her respect for him, A3G feels compelled to respond to his concerns.

Concerning UTR's Hotties in the Holding Pen post, in which A3G listed various judicial nominees who were brought to her attention too late for inclusion in the voting, Mr. Bashman writes:

Really untimely nominees for the title of "Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary": Unlike Ninth Circuit Judge Alex Kozinski, who was given relief from the nomination deadline because he nominated himself, these other untimely nominees apparently didn't nominate themselves, and therefore you aren't allowed to vote for them. You can still read about them, however, in this post at the blog "Underneath Their Robes."

Article III Groupie must clarify the sequence of events for the benefit of her readers. In this post, on June 12, 2004, she announced the original nominations deadline of June 18, 2004. But then, in this post on June 19, 2004, A3G extended the nominations deadline indefinitely:

Due to the impositions of Article III Groupie's day job, which is requiring her to work on a Saturday night, UTR will be taking a slight hiatus. . . . In the meantime, please feel free to send in more nominations; the nomination period has been extended indefinitely (in part because of work, but in part because of a dearth of nominees on the male side; if you can think of any judicial hunks, please e-mail me).

On June 28, 2004, A3G published Judge Kozinski's self-nomination (which she had actually received several days earlier, on June 24, 2004). Because of the extension of the nomination period, as announced on June 19, 2004, Judge Kozinski's self-nomination was timely. A3G could have corrected Judge Kozinski about this, because in his self-nomination he requetsed relief from the filing deadline, but she thought it would be more amusing to leave in his humorous comments about the Ninth Circuit's loosey-goosey jurisprudence concerning deadlines.

When Article III Groupie published Judge Kozinski's self-nomination, she also announced, near the end of the post, a new nominations deadine of July 2, 2004. The judicial hottie nominees discussed in "Hotties in the Holding Pen" were all received after this new and final deadline of July 2, 2004. Thus, A3G did not show any favoritism towards Judge Kozinski by including him as a nominee while excluding the "hotties in the holding pen."

Article III Groupie apologizes for any confusion that her posts may have created concerning the nomination and voting deadlines, and she hopes that this post has clarified matters. She thanks her readers for all of their nominations and votes, and she looks forward to reporting the winners in the near future.

Sincerely,

Article III Groupie

Hotties in the Holding Pen: Untimely SFJ Nominations

Article III Groupie will be announcing the winners of UTR's Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary ("SFJ") contest at some point over the next few days. (For the full list of official nominees, click here.) A3G is currently in the process of verifying the accuracy of her vote count, to forestall litigation by non-prevailing hotties, and preparing the announcement post. She understands how the suspense is keeping hundreds of lawyers awake at night--to say nothing of the anxiety being suffered by the nominated hotties (e.g., Kozinski, J.)!

Indeed, she received the following letter from one reader, inquiring into the reason for the delay:

Can we assume the Florida voting is once again delaying the process? Of course, if the matter needs to be heard by the Supreme Court, only eight will sit, as Souter, J., will have to recuse himself (but perhaps not if he had gone duck hunting with you).

Sincerely,

A law school classmate of Judge Sutton

(who, as a straight male, has never viewed Judge Sutton as "hot," but he must have something going to be a nominee)

A3G assures you that she is working as hard as she can to tabulate and double-check the hundreds of votes that she has received, and she will report the certified results with all deliberate speed. In the meantime, however, there is a related matter that she would like to address.

As explained here, the deadline for submitting SFJ nominations was Friday, July 2, 2004. But many worthy judicial hotties were brought to A3G's attention after this deadline, through attempted nominations and also "write in" votes. Unfortunately, the courthouse doors are closed to out-of-time hotties, who are procedurally barred from consideration in this year's SFJ competititon. Article III Groupie is a stickler for deadlines, and she refuses to entertain argument as to why an untimely nomination should be accepted.

Equitable tolling based on excusable neglect, you say? My darling readers, A3G loves you all dearly. But there is simply no excuse for neglecting her delicious blog of federal judicial gossip! Compliance with the nominations deadline is jurisdictional, and the merits of an untimely hottie nomination cannot be reached. Thus, even flattery--e.g., "Article III Groupie, I didn't learn about your delightful blawg until I read the Newsweek piece and/or the ABA Journal article"--will get you nowhere. (Right now some of you are clucking disapprovingly, "What shameless self-promotion and raging egoism. How appalling!" To which A3G responds: "Diva is as diva does!")

Nevertheless, in an act of public service--this is her pro bono work for the year!--Article III Groupie will "supplement the record," by sharing with her readership the following list of late-breaking, up-and-coming judicial hotties (as she previously promised to do here). (As noted above, you may not vote for the judicial hotties listed below (and the deadine for voting has passed already anyway); this is for informational purposes only.)

Female hotties:

1. The Hot. Carol Bagley Amon (E.D.N.Y.)

Judge Amon, 58, is a 1990 appointee of President George H.W. Bush. In June 1999, a juror sent Judge Amon a note complaining about the dilatory conduct of certain lawyers at trial. The note also offered a complaint of a different sort: "We men are particularly distracted by the judge, who is so hot we're afraid she's going to set off the smoke alarm."

Ouch--A3G just burnt her fingers on Judge Amon's sizzling bench! Did someone just shout "fire" in a crowded courtroom, or did Judge Amon just enter the room? Judge Amon is so incendiary that even nuns have admired her beauty. Sister Charlotte Lange of Judge Amon's alma mater, St. Gertrude High School in Richmond, Virginia, described her former pupil as "very attractive, a stunning-looking woman." And nuns don't lie.

2. The Hot. Nancy Gertner (D. Mass.)

"Great list of nominees!" writes one UTR reader. "But I think no list of females is complete without Nancy Gertner, D. Mass." Indeed! If liberal judicial activism turns you on, then Judge Gertner is your angel in the centerfold (as explained here, here, and here).

Judge Gertner, 54, is a 1994 appointee of President Clinton (and a gal pal of Hillary, with whom she attended Yale Law School). A former criminal defense lawyer who teaches sentencing at Yale, this "brilliant liberal activist" is a sentencing guidelines guru (for whatever that's worth, post-Blakely). One prosecutorial correspondent of UTR reports that Judge Gertner treats the sentencing guidelines as a plaything, deftly manipulating them to reach her desired results. But her politics aside, when it comes to attractiveness, "Judge Gertner deserves an upward departure!"

3. The Hot. Edith H. Jones (5th Cir.)

One UTR reader submitted his votes under protest, reluctantly voting for one of the official nominees "given that you failed to nominate the Fifth Circuit's Edith Jones. Have you ever seen her official portrait in the Fifth Circuit Courthouse?"

Judge Jones, 55, is a 1985 Reagan appointee. Under President George H.W. Bush, this right-wing judicial diva almost made it to the Supreme Court. She was interviewed by President Bush for the Supreme Court seat that eventually went to the Hot. David H. Souter, but President Bush found her abrasive and chilly manner so off-putting that he ended up going with his fellow Yankee, with whom he felt more comfortable personally. (What a mistake that was! "Et tu, Souter?")

Judge Jones is still quite young, and her name comes up regularly on Supreme Court short-lists for a Republican administration (see here, here, and here). But it may be difficult for this "Federalist Society pin-up girl" to win Senate confirmation, given her reputation as a "horsewoman of the right-wing apocalypse" (see here). Indeed, according to one story making the rounds, Judge Jones once complained to a defense lawyer that his client's last-minute death penalty appeal was keeping her from attending a birthday party. Death row inmates? "Let them eat cake!"

4. The Hot. Yvette Kane (M.D. Pa.)

The name of Judge Kane, 51, "is conspicuously absent" from the list of judicial hotties, writes one UTR reader. "She's as good-looking as she is a great golfer. The country club and the federal judiciary are better off for her presence!" Judge Kane, a former state prosecutrix, was appointed to the federal bench in 1998 by President Clinton (who has been crowned "the world's sleaziest golfer"). Fore!

5. The Hot. Colleen McMahon (S.D.N.Y.)

Judge McMahon, 53, is "quite pretty," as well as "a stylish dresser off the bench." A former partner at the New York litigation powerhouse of Paul Weiss, Judge McMahon is very active in the Episcopal Diocese of New York, which recently honored her with the Servant of Justice Award. She has written two collections of religious meditations, teaches Sunday school, and serves as a lay preacher. "Praise be to God" for this devout judicial hottie! Judge McMahon was appointed in 1998 by President Clinton (who is known to have a weakness for women).

6. The Hot. Pamela Ann Rymer (9th Cir.)

Multiple UTR readers complained about the omission from the superhotties nominees of Judge Rymer, 63, who is "very elegant" and "always perfectly coiffed." She is, however, something of a mystery outside the courtroom. This bachelorette judge leads a very discreet private life; even her clerks are in the dark over what's going on beneath her robe. Judge Rymer was appointed to the district court (C.D. Cal.) by President Reagan in 1983, and she was elevated to the Ninth Circuit by President George H.W. Bush in 1989.

7. The Hot. Stephanie K. Seymour (10th Cir.)

What?! President Clinton appointed the Victoria's Secret model to the Tenth Circuit? Actually, no. Judge Seymour, 64, may share a name with the supermodel--but the supermodel never went to Harvard Law School! Although she has never graced the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Judge Seymour is "a very handsome woman" who is "quite attractive" in her own right. Judge Seymour was appointed by President Carter to the Tenth Circuit in 1979, and she served as chief judge from 1994 to 2000.

8. The Hot. Karen J. Williams (4th Cir.)

Judge Williams, 53, "runs circles around your nominated crew!" (Her nominator blames her exclusion on anti-conservative, anti-Fourth Circuit bias.) Judge Williams was described in the New York Times Magazine as "a tall, slender woman with delicate features and a regal carriage" (in this piece, a thinly veiled attack upon the Fourth Circuit). A "lovely Southern belle," Judge Williams is known around Orangeburg, South Carolina, as "Miss Karen" (despite being married; as her nominator explains, "the first thing one must learn about Orangeburg is that every woman is referred to as Miss"). The well-heeled Miss Karen has a private plane, in case she ever needs to get to Richmond in a hurry, and "a personal shopper, to keep her looking elegant." Judge Williams, a 1992 appointee of President George H.W. Bush, is perhaps most well-known as the author of the Fourth Circuit's opinion, later reversed by the Supreme Court in Dickerson v. United States, holding that Miranda v. Arizona had been overruled by statute.

Male hotties:

1. The Hot. Mark W. Bennett (N.D. Iowa)

Had he been nominated, Chief Judge Bennett, 54, "would have swept to victory as if virtually unopposed!" According to this UTR correspondent, Chief Judge Bennett is "attractive, charismatic, interesting, and creative. As an attorney, his Hotness used a cartoon--I think The Far Side--in an appellate brief to the 8th Circuit." A3G appreciates a man with a sense of humor! Chief Judge Bennett was appointed to the district court by President Clinton in 1994, and he became chief judge in 1999.

2. The Hot. Frank H. Easterbrook (7th Cir.)

"I'd like to write in for Frank Easterbrook for the 'bear' subcategory of Article III hottie," writes one UTR fan. "Not only is Judge Easterbrook large, single, possessed of a deep and growling voice, and hirsute in the extreme, he vacations in Alaska and has been frequently cited as an authority on professional football. Frank Easterbrook: Article III hot bear!" Wow--A3G is ready to be this bear's honey pot!

Judge Easterbrook, 56, was appointed to the Seventh Circuit by President Reagan in 1985. Like some of the biggest judicial celebrities--such as his colleague Judge Richard Posner, the inimitable Guido, and of course Justice Antonin Scalia--Judge Easterbrook is a former law school professor. (A Chicago correspondent points out that Judge Posner and Judge Easterbrook still teach one or two courses a year as lecturers at the law school. This reader also notes that Easterbrook, "a confirmed bachelor with a cat or two," was "a confirmed law school hottie who knew it," back in the day.)

And now, a slight detour. Speaking of Judge Easterbrook, has everyone read his saucy dissent in United States v. Booker, the Seventh Circuit's opinion construing the Supreme Court's recent opinion in Blakely v. Washington? Talk about bench-slappery! (And bench-slappery of his brilliant colleague Judge Posner, no less.) Here are some positively "Nino"-licious excerpts:

--"Why did the Justices deploy [the phrase 'statutory maximum'] in Apprendi and repeat it in Blakely (and quite a few other decisions)? Just to get a chuckle at the expense of other judges who took them seriously and thought that 'statutory maximum' might have something to do with statutes?"

--"Phrases such as 'it seems plain' are poor substitutes for authority in the Constitution's text or interpretive history."

--"Today's decision will discombobulate the whole criminal-law docket. I trust that our superiors will have something to say about this. Soon."

Meow! Does somebody need to be declawed?

(Yes, Article III Groupie knows what some of you are thinking. "Quotation from actual judicial opinions in the pages of UTR--is this the start of a troubling trend?" Don't worry, there is no cause for alarm; this is as far as A3G will go. If you're looking for actual legal analysis of Blakely and its circuit court progeny, go somewhere else (e.g., Professor Doug Berman's excellent sentencing blog, or Dahlia Lithwick's smart and funny article for Slate). A3G doesn't do windows, nor does she do substantive legal analysis, which she wisely leaves to others.)

Blakely doesn't have much of an effect on A3G's professional life, since her practice is not criminal--even though the hours she's forced to work sure are! (Yes, A3G once worked on a "white-collar matter," but it was not exactly Den of Thieves. After reviewing documents for a week, she shipped them off to the SEC instead of opposing counsel. Très sexy...) But A3G loves Blakely, even though she's not a criminal defense lawyer. Why? Blakely can be viewed as the federal judicial equivalent of the red carpet on Oscars night--it brings out all the stars!

Article III Groupie's head is spinning from all the Blakely action. Federal judicial royalty is turning out in force to parse this problematic precedent, and circuit splits are erupting all over the place. And A3G loves her some circuit splits, the federal judicial equivalent of a gang rumble between the Jets and the Sharks!

Circuit splits are the Article III analog to gang warfare, a la West Side Story. "Seventh Circuit's in gear / Our cylinders are clickin' / Fifth Circuit'll steer clear / 'Cause every judge of theirs is a lousy chicken!"

Major opinions analyzing Blakely are being penned by F.3d's marquee names. Everywhere A3G looks, there goes another brilliant judicial superstar, weighing in on the Sixth Amendment, Apprendi, and the fate of the federal sentencing guidelines:

"Hey, it's Judge Posner!"

"That big hairy guy over there--isn't that Judge Easterbrook?"

"Oh wow, there goes Chief Judge John Walker of the Second Circuit. Did you know he's President Bush's cousin?"

"Oh look, it's Judge Cassell of Utah, the former celebrity professor who tried to get Miranda overruled. He's one of the Elect!"

Just like Joan Rivers, your loyal correspondent is on the scene, fawning over the great legal minds that have accepted the Blakely challenge. This exchange between Article III Groupie and Judge Posner was overheard on the Blakely red carpet:

A3G: "Your Honor, Your Honor! Who are you wearing?"

Judge Posner: "Why, hello Ms. Groupie! It's so nice to see you again. As you might guess, my robe is by Murphy Robes."

A3G: "Of course, Your Honor. But what about underneath your robe?"

(Judge Posner, by the way, is also "a tad bit sexy," as noted by one Chicago-based reader of UTR. Yes, he does have a "strange resemblance to Mr. Burns" of The Simpsons. Compare Posner with Burns. But there's no denying that Judge Posner has a beautiful mind. As one Chicago attorney told UTR, "My legal assistant really has the hots for Judge Posner. But I don't think it has much to do with his looks!")

3. The Hot. Julio M. Fuentes (3d Cir.)

"I once had a case in front of Julio Fuentes," writes one UTR reader. "He certainly impressed two of my law students." To the extent that personality contributes to attractiveness, Judge Fuentes only grows more appealing, due to his being "extremely nice" and "a real gentleman." A former state court judge, Judge Fuentes, 58, was appointed to the Third Circuit by President Clinton in 2000.

4. The Hot. John Gleeson (E.D.N.Y.)

Judge Gleeson, 51, is "eminently appealing," in a "boyishly cute" way, according to readers who have had the pleasure of meeting him. Like nominated female hottie Judge Raggi, Judge Gleeson is an alum of the U.S. Attorney's Office for the Eastern District of New York, where he appears to have served as chief of practically every division at one point or another (e.g., appeals, organized crime, special prosecutions, and the criminal division). Sorry, ladies, but A3G is as disappointed as you are: Judge Gleeson is married with two daughters, as noted in this detailed bio. Judge Gleeson was appointed in 1994 by President Clinton.

5. The Hot. Henry H. Kennedy, Jr. (D.D.C.)

The "dashing" Judge Kennedy, 56, was appointed in 1997 by President Clinton. As noted in this detailed profile, he is the brother of Professor Randall Kennedy of Harvard Law School (Judge Kennedy's alma mater). Judge Kennedy is something of "a judicial Doogie Howser," becoming the youngest federal magistrate ever appointed, at age 28, and the youngest D.C. Superior Court judge ever appointed, at age 31. (And like Doogie Howser, he is a Princeton graduate.) Judge Kennedy served on the D.C. Superior Court for almost 18 years before his appointment to the district court.

6. The Hot. George P. Schiavelli (C.D. Cal.)

"Next year you'll have to include newly confirmed hottie George Schiavelli," writes one reader. A former state court judge, Judge Schiavelli, 56, was appointed by President George W. Bush earlier this year--to the still-warm district court seat formerly occupied by Judge Lourdes G. Baird, a nominated female hottie who recently took senior status. Talk about being in the "hot seat"!

7. The Hot. Ricardo M. Urbina (D.D.C.)

Judge Urbina, 58, is "pretty hunky," "tall and smooth." (The reader who submitted Judge Urbina's picture warned that it's "not a great picture of him.") Judge Urbina, formerly a D.C. superior court judge, was appointed to the federal district bench by President Clinton in 1994. Like a certain other Ricky, Judge Urbina can shake his bon-bon with A3G any time!

********************

And so there they are--the judicial hotties who narrowly missed making it as nominees for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary. Although the foregoing supplemental hotties are not eligible for consideration in this year's competition, perhaps they will make it on to next year's slate of candidates. After all, federal judicial hotties are a dynamic group. New and sizzling judicial buttocks are being planted on the Article III bench every year, while once firm buttocks turn flabby. So if you submitted a late judicial hottie nomination, please remain a loyal reader of UTR, and renew your application when the competition starts up again next year!

XOXO,

Article III Groupie

P.S. Yes, yes, A3G realizes that you're dying to learn of the winners of the Superhotties contest. And yes, she admits she's trying to drag out the competition as long as possible, milking it for all it's worth. (She knows that you'll all abandon her after she has crowned the judicial superhotties.) But don't worry, you'll be hearing all about the winners very soon, either later this weekend or early next week...

Superhotties Fallout: UTR Corrections and Clarifications

My goodness! Article III Groupie -- or "A3G," as Judge Alex Kozinski affectionately calls her (see here) -- had no idea that the nomination of candidates for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary would be so contentious. Forget the heated arguments going on within the legal community over Blakely v. Washington, or the Supreme Court's decisions in the "war on terrorism" cases. The readers of UTR are ready to go to war -- over which federal judges got it goin' on underneath the robes!

The Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary contest has been greeted by nationwide media attention, from such outlets as Newsweek, in this article, and the ABA Journal, in this article. The competition has also been discussed in highly influential, widely read blogs such as How Appealing and Gawker. (Indeed, "Underneath Their Robes" might be described as the illegitimate offspring of these two blogs.)

UTR's federal judicial beauty pageant has ignited a firestorm of controversy, with readers flooding A3G's mailbox with impassioned letter briefs in support of their favorite judicial hotties. As a result, A3G is practically drowning in superhottie votes and related reader mail. If you have written to her recently and are awaiting a response, she apologizes for any delay in getting back to you; it's difficult to keep up with both the frenzy surrounding the superhotties contest and her day job as law firm document drone. It may also take A3G a few days after the close of voting to announce the winners, so she requests your patience and kind indulgence in advance.

The twenty-one judges nominated for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary were first announced on July 7, 2004, in this post. Article III Groupie is now writing to point out certain corrections and additions that she has made to the original nominations announcement post, as well as to offer various clarifying comments about some of the nominees. And in a subsequent post, she will "supplement the record" concerning federal judicial hotties, by mentioning certain juicy jurists that were brought to her attention after the close of nominations.

UTR Corrections and Comments:

1. For those of you who viewed the post announcing the nominations fairly early in the game, you may wish to revisit it (which you can do by clicking here). Article III Groupie has added new pictures of Judge Gonzalez, Judge Hull, Judge Seitz, and Judge Roberts (for which she thanks her correspondents). If these pictures alter your assessments, please feel free to change your votes, but kindly do so before Wednesday, July 14, at 11:59 p.m.

2. As explained here, UTR is not afraid to acknowledge its mistakes, and Article III Groupie brings important corrections to the attention of her readers. She now has a significant correction to point out concerning nominated hottie Judge Robert A. Katzmann (known around 40 Foley Street as "the Rock," a nickname arising out of his initials, RAK). Unfortunately, Judge Katzmann was romantically linked in the original nominations post to the wrong Hollywood hottie. The prior version of the post (which has since been corrected) reported that he had been seen in the company of Natasha Richardson. A UTR reader offers the following correction:

[W]e should clear up this Natasha Richardson nonsense. Ms. Richardson, although still lovely, is a veritable crone compared to the woman who is actually the actress linked by British tabloids to hizzoner. That would be Natascha McElhone, the Irish beauty. Your nominator, I suppose, heard the story but misremembered the actress in question.

Check out their pictures (which you can do by clicking on the link for each actress). Wow! Article III Groupie agrees that Ms. McElhone is even more magnificent than Ms. Richardson. Who knew that a federal judge could win such a prize? As the old saying goes, "The judicial power of the United States is the ultimate aphrodisiac!"

3. Supporters of Judge Wood, who is by all accounts both "a brilliant jurist" and "a lovely person," have questioned whether the original post's discussion of Judge Wood might have placed her in an unflattering light, by making her seem like the federal judiciary's answer to Hester Prynne (or, for all you non-readers, Britney Spears). Judge Wood's advocates have argued that such negative coverage might unfairly affect her bid for superhottie status (surely a worthy consolation prize for the post of Attorney General). Early election returns suggest that, if anything, the whiff of scandal has only enhanced Judge Wood's candidacy. But Article III Groupie has conducted further research, at the request of these readers, which has revealed the following facts about Judge Wood:

(a) When Judge Wood and Frank Richardson were dating, Judge Wood and her husband Michael Kramer were already officially seperated, and the terms of their separation agreement allowed them to see other people. Indeed, before she started dating Richardson, Judge Wood availed herself of this freedom to go out on a date with ABC anchorman Peter Jennings. (They went to the movies and saw Schindler's List.)

(b) Kramer issued a statement to the New York Observer in which he stated that the problems with his marriage to Judge Wood were "of long standing, and I view them to be my fault."

(c) Judge Wood and Frank Richardson were classmates at Harvard Law School, where Richardson first developed a crush on Wood. The pair kept in touch over the years, enjoying annual lunches together. When they met up for lunch in March 1995, they both acknowledged troubled marriages, and things proceeded from there. Their romantic relationship began as an outgrowth out of their rekindled friendship; as Richardson explained, they started off as "just two hearts talking."

(d) When Nancy Richardson introduced Frank's diaries into evidence at their divorce proceedings, to support her claim that he committed adultery, Frank Richardson's lawyer responded that the diary entries were merely "the romantic musings of a bygone era," not references to an extramarital affair.

(e) As for her stint as a Playboy bunny, Judge Wood briefly explored such employment as a possible way to help put herself through the world-renowned London School of Economics (also attended by Mick Jagger, as noted here). After finding that working as a bunny was not to her liking, she departed after only a few days of training.

(For those of you with free Lexis-Nexis access, the articles from which most of the above information was gleaned appeared on August 11, 1995, in the Washington Post and over the Associated Press newswire. The Post -- Washington, of course, not New York -- referred to the foregoing events as "[t]he summer's most meaningless scandal." The New York Post, in contrast, exhibited an inordinate and unseemly interest in these happenings, which it covered excessively, as claimed here by Ken Auletta.)

Here are two additional tidbits about Judge Wood that do not relate to her good character but may be of interest to some UTR readers:

--Shortly after Judge Wood returned to work after the vacation she took to escape the media circus during the summer of 1995, one of her first cases was, as described by the Washington Post, "a lawsuit by the Hormel Foods Corp. charging Jim Henson Productions with trademark violation because a villainous and boarish Muppet in an upcoming film [wa]s named Spa'am." The New York Post nemorably referred to the Spa'am litigation as "the meatiest case of the day." (To find out the outcome of the litigation, click here.) Of course, now that Spam is hated the world over, as a term for internet junk mail -- even appearing in the title of a piece of legislation, the CAN-SPAM Act of 2003 -- it seems that Hormel has bigger mystery meats to fry!

--The gorgeous lavender dress that Judge Wood wore to the New York City Ballet opening, discussed in the original nominations post, is believed by the majority of UTR respondents to be an Oscar de la Renta gown (although a minority view advocates Carolina Herrera).

4. In the original post announcing the nominees, Article III Groupie offered the following aside concerning Justice Souter: "Groupie, J., would dismiss the writ as improvidently granted. But as they say, 'De gustibus non disputandum est!'" (If you want the ultimate proof that "there's no disputing taste," consider this ardent love poem to Justice Ginsburg, adapted from Christopher Marlowe's The Passionate Shepherd to His Love. A3G has previously opined on Justice Ginsburg's desperate need for the Queer-Eye-for-the-Straight-Justice treatment, in this post.)

Concerning her comments on Justice Souter, one reader asked A3G: "[W]hen you say you'd dismiss the writ as improvidently granted, I know you're just making an inside joke about how much you DIG him. Aren't you?" Alas, no; this reader gives Article III Groupie more credit than she deserves. Abusing her prerogatives as proprietress of "Underneath Their Robes," A3G was engaging in wanton editorializing, imposing her own subjective views of Justice Souter's attractiveness upon her readership. She feels guilty for her conduct, however, and so she will publish the following letter from a Souter partisan, to provide some much-needed editorial balance:

Dear GROUPIE, J.:

While I was of course thrilled to see my nominee SOUTER, J., among the full slate of judicial superhottie nominees, I nevertheless feel I must file an amicus brief on the man's behalf. I fear you may have become a bit too enamored with a certain sprightly, near-elven Italian Second Circuit judge and followed his example by exposing your own views and prejudices, thus tainting the deliberative process so integral to the proper election of super-hot jurists.

For example, while SOUTER, J., "may not seem like an obvious choice" to GROUPIE, J., she must understand that her palpable influence may sway her more intellectually malleable followers. To comment that she "would dismiss the writ as improvidently granted" further evinces what should be [her privately held] views on the subject's prospects . . . .

Moreover, the choice of images -- a photograph showing an unfairly haggard, despondent-looking SOUTER, J. -- may certainly sway potentially persuadable voters. The vast weight of the ocular precedent relating to SOUTER, J., suggests a fit, handsome federal judge of aristocratic carriage and appealing WASP features, with a penchant for Brooks Brothers rep ties in neat, four-in-hand knots. Compare Ex. A [Souter picture at near right, used by A3G in the July 7 nominations post] with Ex. B [Souter picture at far right, submitted by a Souter fan].

Particularly in comparison to his fellow Supreme Court justices, SOUTER, J., cuts an attractive, almost boyish figure, like a varsity prep school athlete amongst his less athletically-gifted peers. Cf. Ex. C [picture above of Supreme Court (presenting SOUTER, J., along with, inter alia, SCALIA, J., who displays the type of jowls attainable only through unrestrained, unaerobic study of the Federalist Papers, followed by plate after plate of duck confit)].

It is my sincerest hope that the court takes the foregoing points into consideration.

Wallowing in my inexplicable straight crush on SOUTER, J.,

[A male reader of UTR]

Confronted with such powerful evidence of her malfeasance, A3G pleads guilty -- to obstruction of justice! (To wit, Justice Souter.) Yes, Article III Groupie did pick the most unflattering picture of Justice Souter that she could find, in a calculated attempt to sabotage his superhottie candidacy. "And if it weren't for you meddling kids, she would've gotten away with it!" Article III Groupie blames her attempt to bias the voting on her unhealthy obsession with that high-handed congressional diva, Rep. Katherine Harris of Florida. A3G developed this fixation after watching this video over and over again, with the sound turned way up. (A3G's reaction to this video is perhaps the exact opposite of the response the video's creator hoped to engender...)

Having acknowledged her errors and even admitted to official misconduct, Article III Groupie has accepted responsibility for her actions, which has led her to set the record straight with respect to federal judicial hotties. She has now (1) provided UTR's readers with pictures of almost all the nominated hotties, (2) linked Judge Katzmann to the correct starlet, (3) amply established Judge Wood's sound moral character, and (4) shared with her readers an amicus brief on behalf of the unfairly maligned Justice Souter (including a kinder, gentler picture). Now she can sleep well, knowing that the integrity of the superhotties voting process has been restored, with all of the nominees receiving a fair shake.

So Article III Groupie has done her part for democracy. Now it's up to you, the readers of UTR, to make your voices heard. There are still two days left in the voting period, which ends on Wednesday, July 14, 2004, at 11:59 p.m. (Pacific time). Please send your ballots -- you may vote for one female nominee and one male nominee -- to me, Article III Groupie, by email.

Listening for the voice of the people,

Article III Groupie

Too Sexy For Their Robes: The Nominees for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary!

They are too sexy for their robes. Their milkshakes bring all the clerks to the yard. Everyone wants to get underneath the robes of these jurists. Who are they? Yes, you guessed it: the nominees for UTR's Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary!

The moment in American juris-prurience that you've all been waiting for is finally here. Twenty-one distinguished federal judges, twelve women and nine men, have been nominated for consideration as Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary. This all-star roster of judicial hotties is the Article III analogue to People magazine's annual list of the 50 Most Beautiful People. (Emphasis on "Article III"; to those of you who attempted to nominate magistrate or bankruptcy judges, please listen to this song.)

The nominees are listed below, in alphabetical order. The profile of each nominee includes a photograph, where available, and brief descriptive quotes from UTR readers, in the manner of Zagat restaurant reviews -- appropriately enough, because these judicial hotties are mouth-watering!

Article III Groupie apologizes for not having pictures of all of the nominees, as well as for the poor quality and small size of several of the images she does have. (Please note, however, that you can click on the thumbnail image of each judge for in camera inspection of their hotness!) Unfortunately, our nation's paparazzi have yet to discover the comeliness and sex appeal of the federal bench. A Google image search for "britney spears" generates 61,300 images, while a Google image search for "lourdes baird," our first nominee, generates four (4) images -- two of which are not even pictures of Judge Baird. The difficulty of obtaining pictures of these judicial hotties explains why the Superhotties contest regrettably lacks a swimsuit component. (If you happen to have better photographs of any of the nominees than the pictures that appear here, please submit them by email forthwith.)

The competition now moves into the voting stage. As previously explained here, please submit your votes by email, which you can do by clicking here. There will be no chads, hanging or otherwise, in this election -- the last thing Article III Groupie needs is any Bush v. Gore-style litigation, e.g., Kozinski v. Sutton! You may vote for one female superhottie and for one male superhottie. Votes will be accepted until Wednesday, July 14, 2004, at 11:59 p.m. (Pacific time, to give West Coast readers time to get their votes in). At some point after the close of the polls, the top three female vote-getters and the top three male vote-getters will be announced, in rank order, and crowned Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary! (And yes, prizes will be awarded.)

And now, without further ado, the nominees are:

Female nominees:

1. The Hot. Lourdes G. Baird (C.D. Cal.)

Judge Baird, 69, a native of Quito, Ecuador, worked as a prosecutrix prior to taking the bench. She served as U.S. Attorney for the Central District of California (Los Angeles) before President George H.W. Bush appointed her to the district court in 1992. Judge Baird was the first Hispanic woman to serve as a judge in the district, as reported here. This lovely Latina, whose photograph understates her attractiveness, leads UTR readers to exclaim, "Que rica!"

2. The Hot. Irma E. Gonzalez (S.D. Cal.)

Judge Gonzalez, 56, is "super good-looking," a "judicial J. Lo" who is "muy caliente!" At first, UTR was unable to obtain the ocular proof of her pulchritude. An image search on the internet for "irma gonzalez" yielded a wealth of pictures of Irma Gonzalez the female wrestler (far right; more photos available here, and adult videos available here). Fortunately, one of UTR's California correspondents subsequently submitted an excellent photograph of Judge Gonzalez (near right), which reveals her beautiful eyes and sparkling smile. Now UTR understands what all the raves are about!

Like Judge Baird, Judge Gonzalez is a former prosecutrix. She served as a state court judge in California before President George H.W. Bush appointed her to the district court in 1992.

3. The Hot. Frank M. Hull (11th Cir.)

In case you're wondering, Frank M. Hull "is a woman -- and oh, what a woman!" Judge Hull, 56, is "attractive in a patrician way," with a "remarkably pretty" face. This "luscious Georgia peach," however, has left a sour taste in some mouths.

Judge Hull -- who seems to be a bit of a judicial diva -- has been known to bench-slap colleagues at oral argument, as reported here, and some of her rulings have landed her in the Judicial Hall of Shame. Her profile in the Hall of Shame catalogs various cases in which Judge Hull was reversed unceremoniously by the Eleventh Circuit, back when she was still a district judge. The profile goes on to contend that Judge Hull "appears to be suffering from severe mental disability" and that "a litigant could expect better and more consistent results by throwing darts at legal principles stuck on a dart board."

Judge Hull, a former state court judge in Georgia, was appointed to the district court in 1994 by President Clinton. She was elevated to the Eleventh Circuit in 1997, also by President Clinton.

4. The Hot. Cindy K. Jorgenson (D. Ariz.)

Apparently the sun isn't the only thing that's hot in Tucson, Arizona. The youthful Judge Jorgenson, 51, is "smoking!" Her admirers are legion, as these glowing testimonials indicate. Heck, even the Pima County Sheriff has a crush on her! Judge Jorgenson, a law-and-order kinda gal, served as a state and then federal prosecutrix for almost a decade. Immediately before taking the federal bench in 2002, as an appointee of President George W. Bush, Judge Jorgenson was a state court judge.

5. The Hot. Nora M. Manella (C.D. Cal.)

Judge Manella, 53, is "exceedingly pretty and polished," "a real Wellesley girl." Other Wellesley grads produced from this sleek and glossy mold include television journalist Diane Sawyer and Senatrix Hillary Rodham Clinton, the bitch-goddess of the United States Senate (as shown in this list of famous Mona Lisa Smilers). Judge Manella, a wealthy and well-connected jurist with a "gold-plated Rolodex," is legal professional royalty. Her father, Arthur Manella, was a name partner for many years in the powerhouse L.A. law firm of Irell & Manella, where he served as a tax lawyer to the stars.

After graduating from USC Law School, Judge Manella clerked for the legendary Judge John Minor Wisdom of the Fifth Circuit. Before President Clinton appointed her to the district bench in 1998, Judge Manella served as the U.S. Attorney for Los Angeles, like another one of our nominated hotties, Judge Baird. (Not surprisingly, hotness appears to be a prerequisite for the position of U.S. Attorney in Lalaland.)

6. The Hot. Reena Raggi (2d Cir.)

Like her fellow nominee Judge Manella, Judge Raggi is also a 53-year-old Wellesley graduate with "superb bone structure" and "an elegant, high-gloss attractiveness." As one UTR correspondent stated, when asked by Article III Groupie if he had any other nominees he wanted to offer: "When it comes to the federal judiciary, I only have eyes for Reena!"

Judge Raggi's résumé is as sizzling as her appearance. After a successful career in the prestigious U.S. Attorney's Office for the Eastern District of New York, including stints as the chief of narcotics and the chief of special prosecutions, she was appointed by President Reagan to the district bench at the tender age of 35. Her 2002 elevation to the Second Circuit by President George W. Bush was non-controversial. In this press release, Democratic Senator Charles Schumer contrasted Judge Raggi, whom he praised as "an ideal nominee," with the winner of UTR's Judicial Diva showdown, Justice Priscilla Owen, whom he condemned as "a judicial activist of the first order."

7. The Hot. Marjorie O. Rendell (3d Cir.)

Judge Rendell, 57, is a "classy blonde" who "looks great," with "a wardrobe to die for." This celebrity profile of Judge Rendell in the Philadelphia Inquirer speaks admiringly of her "wholesome good looks" (which are unfortunately marred during oral argument by her tendency to "scrunch[] up her face in concentration"). In terms of personality, however, Judge Rendell can be "quite prickly." As the Inquirer profile notes, she "has a bit of a temper" and "can be difficult to work with," due to her "high need for perfection." (Did someone say the words "Judicial Diva"? If the Manolo fits, wear it!)

In addition to her judicial service, Judge Rendell has responsibilities for tea service -- as the First Lady of Pennsylvania! This judicial powerhouse is married to Pennsylvania Governor Edward G. Rendell, who also served as the mayor of Philadelphia before he was elected governor. (Think of the Rendells as Bennifer for poli sci geeks.)

By day, Judge Marjorie O. Rendell of the Third Circuit develops groundbreaking precedents affecting fundamental constitutional rights. By night, First Lady Marjorie "Midge" Rendell of the Governor's Mansion develops... recipes! Yes, now you too can whip up a feast consisting of Judge Rendell's Savory Meatloaf, Broccoli-Chicken Casserole (yummy but fattening -- that's a lot of cream cheese!), Stuffed Mushrooms, and Lowfat Raspberry Souffle (Article III Groupie prefers chocolate-based desserts).

Judge Rendell issues published opinions parsing complex federal statutes. First Lady Rendell issues First Lady's Favorites, a list of her favorite things. These include her favorite flower, the daisy; her favorite color, blue; and her favorite childhood memory, "Family Holidays and Vacationing at the Seashore" (schoolgirl capitalization in the original). Maybe Judge Rendell, who has a Broadway-caliber voice, can sing her own version of My Favorite Things: "When the dog bites / when the bee stings / when I get reversed / I simply remember my favorite things / and then I don't feel the worst."

As this puff piece in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette indicates, Judge Rendell used to bake cookies for political strategy meetings that her husband would hold in their home. Perhaps she can give the Senatrix from New York, who is famously averse to cookie-baking, a few helpful hints! (Of course, Hillary now claims to have a recipe for chocolate chip cookies, but everyone knows she just goes to Mrs. Fields.) Hillary could then repay the favor by giving Judge Rendell tips on how to deal with a philandering husband. As the Philadelphia Inquirer profile notes, the Rendells have been dogged by "years-long rumors of extramarital dalliances by [Ed Rendell]." (UTR has three words of advice for Judge Rendell: separation of powers. Put an end to the executive being in bed with the judiciary -- "Ed, you're on the couch tonight!")

Judge Rendell, a Clinton appointee, served as a district judge in Philadelphia from 1994 until 1997. She was then elevated to the Third Circuit by President Clinton (who is known to have a weakness for blonde-haired beauties).

8. The Hot. Patricia A. Seitz (S.D. Fla.)

Judge Seitz, 58, "definitely has the blonde ice princess look going." A former president of the Florida Bar (and its first female president), Judge Seitz is a skillful schmoozer who "knows how to work it." When she is willing to defrost, she can flash a "blinding, Julia Roberts-quality smile" (as you can see in the picture at right).

For 20 years, Judge Seitz was in private practice at Steel Hector & Davis in Miami, a city where it helps to be a hottie. She was appointed to the district court in 1998 by, you guessed it, President Clinton (who is known to have a weakness for ice queens).

9. The Hot. Amy J. St. Eve (N.D. Ill.)

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" Judge St. Eve, 39, "is ready for canonization -- as a Holy Hottie!" The youngest nominated hottie, Judge St. Eve earns one of the highest compliments from UTR readers: "She's so cute, you can't believe she's a judge!" Some attorneys confess that it can be "difficult to appear before her," due to her "distractingly attractive" appearance, which can also make it "hard to get the attention of male jurors." Before her 2002 appointment by President George W. Bush, Judge St. Eve worked in private practice and as a federal prosecutrix.

The job that helped Judge St. Eve the most in landing an Article III appointment, however, was surely her work for Ken Starr as an associate independent counsel during the Whitewater investigation. As noted here, Judge St. Eve is just one of several Starr deputies and protégés who have been rewarded for their loyal service with federal judgeships and U.S. Attorney posts. It seems that if you want to be appointed to the federal bench by President Bush, it helps tremendously if you were at one point in "hottie pursuit," chasing after Bill and his zaftig beauty Monica (famously described by Vanity Fair as "the face [or at least the lips] that launched a thousand subpoenas").

10. The Hot. Diane S. Sykes (7th Cir.)

Judge Sykes, 46, is "startlingly pretty and elegant," with a "cool," "businesslike," "yuppie sort of appeal." She has "lovely features," most notably her "rosy cheeks" with "nice high cheekbones." (For additional pictures of Judge Sykes in a variety of poses, click here, here, and here.)

Judge Sykes, who was formerly married to right-wing talk show host Charlie Sykes, is very well-connected in conservative circles. Not surprisingly, she was accused by many of being a right-wing judicial diva (see here, here, and here). One op-ed writer even wrote a column ominously entitled, "Diane Sykes Has Dark Secrets." (Talk about being alarmist! One of the so-called "dark secrets" is that Judge Sykes belongs to the Federalist Society. C'mon -- it's not as if Judge Sykes were She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!).

Despite this opposition, and surely aided by her attractiveness, Judge Sykes managed to win Senate confirmation. She now sits on the Seventh Circuit with the judge for whom she once clerked, Judge Terence T. Evans. Prior to her 2004 appointment to the Seventh Circuit by President Bush, Judge Sykes worked in private practice and served as a justice on the Wisconsin Supreme Court.

11. The Hot. Kim McLane Wardlaw (9th Cir.)

Judge Wardlaw, 50 (as of July 2 -- happy birthday!), "looks like Barbie," "Heather Locklear in a black robe." This blonde Hispanic hottie boasts "a fantastic smile" and an "incredible body," showcased quite nicely by her "elegant ensembles." She was nominated by several UTR readers, including her husband, Los Angeles power broker Bill Wardlaw, a private equity kingpin at Freeman Spogli.

The Wardlaws are very wealthy, with a fortune well into the eight figures, and they are incredibly plugged-in, on both sides of the aisle. Bill Wardlaw and L.A.'s Republican former mayor, Richard Riordan, were extremely close (at least until their well-publicized falling out). Bill Wardlaw was thus described in this article as "the Riordan administration's eminence blanc, a pale, brilliant, almost Jesuitical political tactician, the father to two of the mayor's godchildren." On the Democratic side, the Wardlaws are close friends of current L.A. mayor Jim Hahn, whose mayoral campaign was chaired by Bill Wardlaw, as well as Bill and Hillary Clinton. Indeed, the Wardlaws have graced the Lincoln Bedroom with their presence. An "FOB" ("Friend of Bill"), Judge Wardlaw was appointed by President Clinton to the district court in 1995, then swiftly elevated to the Ninth Circuit in 1998.

12. The Hot. Kimba M. Wood (S.D.N.Y.)

Judge Wood, 60, is "a hottie intellectually as well as otherwise," writes one reader. For present purposes, UTR is more interested in the "otherwise" part! And Judge Wood -- whose résumé includes Playboy bunny training in London, before she entered Harvard Law School -- certainly has the hottie credentials to back up this claim. Further coverage of Judge Wood's all-too-brief stint as a bunny is available here, here, here, and here ("Kimba Wood became a federal judge after she could not make it as a Playboy bunny").

Judge Wood is one of the few federal judicial celebrities who is also a celebrity outside the courthouse. Over the years, her name has appeared in boldface type in several New York tabloids, one of which infamously dubbed her the "Love Judge," based on her alleged affair with the high-flying, obscenely wealthy, then-married Wall Street financier Frank Richardson III. (Judge Wood was also married at the time, to Time magazine writer Michael Kramer.) For a description of Judge Wood, UTR will now quote from Richardson's diary, which was brought to light during his nasty divorce from socialite Nancy Richardson. (Yes, Article III Groupie realizes that large block quotations can be intimidating. But trust her--this is worth it!)

March 3, 1995: Lunch Kimba - Arqua. She tells me how close she is to breaking in her marriage. She is one year behind me. She says she wants to meet for dinner when [her husband] Michael [Kramer] and son are on Spring Break.

[Undated]: A week ago Friday, I called KMW. She seemed eager to meet. We planned lunch Monday. She said she was free Wed & Friday. I asked her for dinner Wed. night. We talked til 11. She is interested in every plane of being. I was really snowed and I knew she was getting there, too. Friday she picked a restaurant in SoHo . . . We sat facing each other on a banquet [sic]. She leaned toward me beaming. I love that picture [of] the black hair around her pearl white skin, the misty green eyes. The next morning, I said I was going horse riding. I met her and drove to her country home in Sheffield (Conn.). Absolutely charming and of great character. We had lunch, built a fire, put on music and spent as beautiful an eight hours as I have spent in my life. She is absolutely wonderful, very intelligent, a complete woman and person and able to give love wonderfully and freely.

April 3, 1995: I called her and asked what she was doing for lunch. I said what else matters. She said nothing. She was so beautiful, more than I remembered. I spent Sunday just realizing how deep the madness of loving her went. . . . She said she was wild when I touched her hands at Lutece. She said . . . I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

April 9, 1995: I am full of joy of being free of NR [wife Nancy Richardson]. Words can hardly describe the wonderful feeling I feel I have my future back. . . . Kimba that's something else . . . [I'm] wild, wild, wild about her. Overwhelmed. No sense of reserve . . . intoxicated by her body.

April 11, 1995: I awoke at about 5 a.m. - wide awake immediately. The first thoughts come flooding I am free. I never have to worry about NR again. Then I remember Kimba. Each day I realize that I am closer to a completely new life totally absorbed by her.

April 12, 1995: I have with such deliciousness rethought every moment with Kimba. She told me she was in a daze at Lutece. "I was just amazed at what you are." . . . When I first took her head and kissed her lips. . . . How she stiffened and gave slowly, but inexorably.

April 15, 1995: Kimba is today or tomorrow telling Michael she is going to leave him.

[Undated]: She is [a] very passionate and very sexual woman . . .

April 16, 1995: Kimba from pay phone. She told Michael she wanted out yesterday at 10 p.m. He accepted it. I guess any man would, based on the nonexistence of the relationship.

May 14, 1995: Kimba and I not seeing each other, but talking several times a day. The madness of crazed love . . .

Order in the court, order in the court! All this bodice- and robe-ripping is getting Article III Groupie hot under the collar! Can somebody please pass her a cold compress? Why can't she find a man who can love her like that (and who also has a fortune estimated at $175 million)?

After his divorce, Richardson married Judge Wood, upon whom he bestowed an enormous, flawless diamond engagement ring. Home for the happy couple is a fabulous prewar co-op on Manhattan's Upper East Side, which will be lovingly covered in UTR Cribs, a forthcoming report described near the end of UTR's Mission Statement. For photos of the glamorous couple at the New York City Ballet's opening night gala, click here and scroll down the page. (Don't miss Judge Wood's magnficient lavender gown with ruched neckline -- it sure beats a black robe! If you know who the designer might be, please email Article III Groupie.)

Judge Wood was appointed to the district court by President Reagan in 1988. In 1993, she was nominated for the post of Attorney General by President Clinton (who is known to have a weakness for dark-haired beauties). But she was forced to withdraw in the wake of a "Nannygate" scandal, as reported here. As Lance Morrow of Time magazine explains in this column, Judge Wood had actually followed the law in her employment of a nanny. But the Clinton Administration abandoned her nomination anyway, having just been burned by the nanny scandal of Zoe Baird, the first nominee for the post.

Male nominees:

1. The Hot. Harold Baer, Jr. (S.D.N.Y.)

Judge Baer, 71, is "handsome as the dickens," with "an accent that makes you turn your head and wonder, 'Is that Gabe Kaplan?', every time he speaks." Like his father before him, Judge Baer was a state court judge in New York. In 1994, Judge Baer was appointed by President Clinton to the federal bench. In 1996, Judge Baer came under fire from local and national politicians, including President Clinton, after he excluded 75 pounds of cocaine evidence from an accused drug courier's trial. As reported here, Judge Baer later reversed himself. Article III Groupie admires a man who's not afraid to admit he was wrong!

2. The Hot. Gary A. Feess (C.D. Cal.)

Don't you "wish they all could be California judges"? Of the twenty-one nominated judicial hotties, six are Californians. Our next nominee, Judge Feess, 56, also hails from the Golden State. He is "quite cute," in an "admittedly nerdy," "dork chic" sort of way. Sporting Harry Carey glasses, Judge Feess looks "kind of like Rick Moranis." According to a profile of Judge Feess in the Los Angeles Daily Journal, he is "not a ball of fire," but "a stern, extremely self-confident workaholic who is a stickler for details." (He does, however, listen to KROQ.) Before becoming a judge, Judge Feess worked in private practice and as a federal prosecutor. He served as a state court judge from 1996 until 1999, when President Clinton appointed him to the federal trial court.

3. The Hot. Alfred T. Goodwin (9th Cir.)

Judge Goodwin, 81, is "a very handsome man" who appears "at least 20 years younger than his 80+ years" (as shown in his picture at left). While a member of the Oregon Supreme Court, "he was a champion steer roper, with pictures to prove it on his chambers' wall." Yee-haw! Article III Groupie is ready to be lassoed, tied and dropped by this judicial hottie!

Judge Goodwin was appointed to the district court by President Nixon in 1969 and elevated to the Ninth Circuit two short years later. He became famous -- or infamous, as the case may be -- as the author of the Ninth Circuit's Pledge of Allegiance opinion in the Newdow case.

4. The Hot. Robert A. Katzmann (2d Cir.)

Judge Katzmann, 51, who caused "students to swoon" while a law professor at Georgetown, is "just plain hunky." And this is not just the opinion of fed courts geeks. Judge Katzmann has been seen in the company of stunning actress Natascha McElhone, on both sides of the Atlantic. They were spotted at a movie premiere in New York and again at a wedding in England, where they took the dance floor together. McElhone lives in London and is married to a plastic surgeon. (Article III Groupie asks her readers not to read too much into the bare facts that she reports.)

Judge Katzmann has a twin brother, Gary S. Katzmann, who is a federal prosecutor in Boston. If your motion for "judicial notice" is denied by Judge Katzmann, try to score a date with his brother! Judge Katzmann was appointed to the Second Circuit by President Clinton in 1999.

5. The Hot. Alex Kozinski (9th Cir.)

Judge Kozinski, 53, is a fabulous judicial celebrity who needs no introduction, having graced these pages with his presence on many occasions in the past. The arguments in favor of his superhottie candidacy are set forth here, in Judge Kozinski's nomination papers, and supplemental material is available here, in his Rule 28(j) letter to Article III Groupie.

For now, Article III Groupie offers you this photograph of Judge Kozinski and an unidentified blonde hottie. (Article III Groupie is getting jealous -- someone tell that Naomi Watts wanna-be to take her paws off A3G's man!) As that non-judicial hottie Madonna might sing, "Who's that girl?" Let the rumor-mongering begin!

6. The Hot. John G. Roberts, Jr. (D.C. Cir.)

Judge Roberts, 49, with his "youthful," "all-American good looks," is the "JFK Jr. of the federal bench." As his rival Judge Kozinski admits here, Judge Roberts is "young and extremely handsome." (Article III Groupie thanks the UTR reader who provided the photograph at left of Judge Roberts. When she searched the internet for pictures of Judge Roberts, she located only a single, fairly unflattering picture of Judge Roberts -- although she did stumble across this picture of "John G. Roberts," a super-cute British landscape architect!)

Judge Roberts is a member of the Elect, having clerked for the renowned Judge Henry J. Friendly of the Second Circuit, followed by then-Associate Justice Rehnquist. His professional achievements, including over 30 Supreme Court arguments, are literally incredible; you can read about them here (and then go off and wallow in your own inferiority). Judge Roberts headed the appellate practice group at the white-shoe D.C. law firm of Hogan & Hartson, before his appointment by President Bush to the blindingly prestigious D.C. Circuit. (Consider yourself warned: If a member of the Great Unwashed dares to cast his eyes upon the E. Barrett Prettyman Courthouse without sunglasses, he immediately loses his sight! The people you see going in and out of that courthouse wearing paper bags over their heads are disgraced D.C. Circuit clerks who failed to get Supreme Court clerkships.)

7. The Hot. Edmund A. Sargus, Jr. (S.D. Ohio)

Judge Sargus, 51, is "quite handsome," with a "distinct resemblance to a younger Michael Douglas." (For a detailed biography and larger picture of Judge Sargus, click here.) Judge Sargus served as the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of Ohio from 1993 until 1996, when President Clinton appointed him to the federal trial bench. Judge Sargus's wife, Jennifer Sargus, is a state court judge. Talk about federal-state comity!

8. The Hot. David H. Souter (U.S. Supreme Court)

Justice Souter, 64, may not seem like an obvious choice for a federal judicial hottie. But a UTR reader offers these remarks in support of his nomination:

I should hope I'm not the first person to nominate SOUTER, J. as a male federal judicial hottie. Not only can the man offer many an intimate night in his New Hampshire farmhouse -- away from the prying eyes of UTR, In Touch magazine, etc. -- but his daring late-night jogs through our nation's capital help him to both acquire a few sexy battle scars and keep a sexy musculature. Certiorari is GRANTED to that hot, lean body!

(Groupie, J., would dismiss the writ as improvidently granted. But as they say, "De gustibus non disputandum est!")

9. The Hot. Jeffrey S. Sutton (6th Cir.)

Our youngest male hottie, Judge Sutton, 44, is "very cute," in a "Howdy-Doody sort of way," as well as "always immaculately groomed." Judge Sutton is a member of the Elect, having clerked for Justices Powell and Scalia, and he is a four-time recipient of the "Best Briefs" award of the National Association of Attorneys General, as noted here. A Supreme Court clerkship, and clean underwear? What more can a girl ask for?

A UTR reader who has seen Judge Sutton in action -- at oral argument in Cincinnati, that is -- offers the following remarks:

I had never before seen, or watched a video of, Jeff Sutton. I had read about his confirmation hearings and I was expecting some sort of ogre. I was immediately struck with how soft-spoken he is. Not soft-spoken in the sense that he is meek, but his voice is rather high-pitched and not very loud. Kind of the WASP version of Mike Tyson (without the lisp or the appetite for ears). Everyone seems to lean in and pay attention so as to hear him better. He seemed like the kind of guy who comes home every night and tells his wife how beautiful she is, even on her bad hair days. He looks much younger in person than in newspaper photos. I imagine it would be very easy for his female clerks to have a crush on him and that that would embarrass him. He is no A&F model (thankfully!), but he is the total package: soft-spoken, innocent, handsome, kind, loyal, courteous, intelligent. Make him a Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary!

Article III Groupie says: "Amen! Break me off a piece of that!"

********************

Whoomp, there it is: the full slate of nominees for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary! Please give Article III Groupie a napkin, so she can wipe the drool off her chin! As noted above, the voting period begins now and will end on Wednesday, July 14, 2004, at 11:59 p.m. (Pacific time).

Thankfully, Yahoo! has just increased Article III Groupie's mailbox size to 100MB, so she is ready to receive the thousands of votes that will surely come flooding in. With the Fourth of July holiday just behind us, UTR calls upon you, its patriotic readers, to fulfill your civic duty: VOTE NOW for your Article III superhottie of choice!

Crazy in love with federal judicial hotties,

Article III Groupie

Rule 28(j) letter from the Hot. Alex Kozinski

Pursuant to FRAP 28(j), Judge Alex Kozinski has submitted to UTR a "pertinent and significant authorit[y]" in support of his previously filed self-nomination as a federal judicial superhottie. Article III Groupie has added this new material to the original post, but it is simply too wonderful not to highlight separately. It is the video clip of Judge Kozinski's appearance on the Dating Game, originally aired on Thanksgiving Day, 1968! You can watch on YouTube, or you can download your own copy by clicking here (Real Player required).

Speaking of thanksgiving, Article III Groupie extends her heartfelt gratitude to Judge Kozinski for this delightful gift. She passes it along to her readers with her highest recommendation!

Infatuated with AK,

Article III Groupie

P.S. Article III Groupie does not want to skew the voting in the Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary contest, which will start at some point after the July 4th holiday weekend, following the release of the full slate of nominees. After watching the video, however, she can't help observing: Back in the day, Judge Kozinski was quite a cutie! (But his kissing technique, while certainly enthusiastic, may leave something to be desired.)

P.P.S. Yes, Bachelor #1 is David L. Lander, a.k.a. "Squiggy," of Laverne & Shirley fame.

Courthouse Forum: The Hot. Alex Kozinski

With a nod to Penthouse Forum, UTR brings you Courthouse Forum: Letters to Article III Groupie. As you know, reader correspondence is critical to UTR's mission of delivering its readers the juiciest federal judicial gossip, thereby allowing them to peek "underneath the robes" of our federal judges. As a general matter, Article III Groupie reviews the many letters submitted by her readers, makes judgment calls, and then publishes what she feels like publishing. Most of the time, Article III Groupie publishes only excerpts or fragments from reader letters. But some pieces of correspondence are so sizzling and so scrumptious that not publishing them in their entirety would be a miscarriage of justice. Hence the need for Courthouse Forum, where reader correspondence will be published in unredacted form. UTR believes these letters will be as stimulating to connoisseurs of federal judicial gossip as Penthouse Forum is to those who appreciate erotica. "Judge, is that a gavel underneath your robe, or are you just happy to see me?"

The first letter being published in Courthouse Forum is from one of the brightest superstars in the federal judicial firmament, an Article III celebrity of Tom Cruise-esque proportions, who has already made multiple apperances in these hallowed pages: Judge Alex Kozinski of the Ninth Circuit (shown at right handing down the court's decision in the recall election case). In case you're wondering, this is an actual letter from Judge Kozinski, and Article III Groupie practically peed in her (very expensive) La Perla Black Label panties upon receiving it. Below please find the full text of AK's missive. Enjoy!

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Dear A3G:

I must say that I'm severely disappointed in the slate of candidates you have fielded for your Judicial Hottie contest. While I think the list of female candidates is excellent, the list of male candidates is, frankly, lacking. And what it's lacking is me.

Sure, John Roberts and Jeff Sutton are young and extremely handsome, but so what? I have it on very good authority that discerning females and gay men find graying, pudgy, middle-aged men with an accent close to Gov. Schwarzenegger's almost totally irresistible.

So I nominate myself.

Yes, I know, the nomination period ostensibly ended [on Friday, June 18], but my nomination falls within the penumbra of the rule, so I say it's timely. You will doubtless find any number of opinions written by me that say filing periods must be strictly construed, but I was writing for the Ninth Circuit, and you know what that means.

Here are the arguments in support of my nomination:

* I am the only Article III judge to have appeared on the Dating Game--and I was on twice. I even won once, and I have the tape to prove it.

* I had my own photo-spread in George Magazine, with lots of sexy pictures of me jumping. This was a few years back, but I've only gotten cuter with age.

* I also had a photo-spread in Snow Country Magazine, mostly pictures of me snowboarding. I am, in fact, an authority on snowboarding, as the attached article will prove. And snowboarders are, by definition, hotties.

* I recently co-presided at a very swank wedding at the Larchmont Yacht Club--a club so exclusive it probably wouldn't admit me as a member--which was reported in the New York Times and discussed in great detail on a very prestigious weblog.

* I wrote the screenplay for the blockbuster Schwarzenegger movie, Total Recall. Well, not really, but I came mighty close. (Read esp. pp. 1301-02, but the whole thing is worth a read if you can bill it to a client.)

* I was a recent cover boy for Legal Affairs Magazine. [Ed. note: Click on the link, then click on the thumbnail for a larger view of this delightful photo. Judge Kozinski is ready for his close-up!]

* I cut a dashing figure in court.

* I often hang out with that other judicial babe magnet, Stephen Reinhardt:

(I'm the one with the goofy sweater and the suave pocket pen.)

* I bear an uncanny resemblance to Moses, of Old Testament fame. [Ed. note: Don't miss out--click on the link to see Helmut Newton's "celebrity portrait" of Judge Kozinski!]

* I have my own fan web page.

* I write a mean dissent.

* I bungee jump. [Ed. note: Click on the link to play this very fun little video clip--and make sure your sound is turned on!]

* I recently played a key supporting role in the 20-minute short Inside Story, directed by my son Yale Kozinski, written and produced by former Kozinski clerk Leslie Hakala, and featuring former Kozinski clerks Tara Kole, Troy Foster, Chris Newman, Leslie Hakala and Theane Evangelis. [Ed. note: Like Judge Kozinski, Hakala, Kole, and Evangelis are all members of the Elect--a term first explained here.]

If you can provide me with a name and address (it could be of a friend, so as not to reveal your identity), I'd happily send you an autographed DVD of Inside Story--the sad tale of an 8th-year associate (Tara) who gets hoodwinked by a slick (but sexy) operator (Troy) into revealing securities secrets, thereby getting fired by the Big Cheese Partner (me). Believe you me, you don't want to pass up the chance to have your very own (autographed) copy of this as yet undiscovered art treasure, which (unfortunately) I must condition on your waiving the rules a teensy-weensy bit by adding my name to the list of nominees.

I could say a lot more, but it would probably compromise my chances for elevation.

I know that that the voting is already well underway, so that adding my name to the list will put me at a disadvantage in collecting votes, yet somehow I feel that if I can make it onto the list, even at this late date, I might still have a chance, if only a small one, of being selected as among the top 3 male judicial super-hotties.

I anxiously await your response.

Ciao. AK

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How can Article III Groupie refuse such a brilliant and hilarious prayer for relief? Petition granted! And so the Hot. Alex Kozinski (9th Cir.) joins the ranks of the nominees for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary!

The extension of the nomination period beyond June 18 (as explained in this post) has produced, in addition to Judge Kozinski, a few other worthy nominees, so Article III Groupie is actually glad that things worked out this way. Nominations will continue to be accepted until 11:59 p.m. on Friday, July 2, 2004. So if you have any other nominations, don't delay. Please send them by e-mail to me, Article III Groupie, in timely fashion!

Swooning like a schoolgirl from her brush with judicial celebrity,

Article III Groupie

(Photo credits: Alex.Kozinski.com. Image credits: APerfectWorld.org.)

Superhotties on the Back Burner

Due to the impositions of Article III Groupie's day job, which is requiring her to work on a Saturday night, UTR will be taking a slight hiatus. The announcement of the federal judicial superhottie nominees, which you are surely awaiting with bated breath, has been postponed to a future date that remains to be determined. (Article III Groupie may also be somewhat slow in responding to reader mail, for which she apologizes.)

"Would you like to get underneath my robes?"
(Image credit: APerfectWorld.org.)

In the meantime, please feel free to send in more nominations; the nomination period has been extended indefinitely (in part because of work, but in part because of a dearth of nominees on the male side; if you can think of any judicial hunks, please e-mail me).

Hasta luego,

Article III Groupie

"It's getting hot in here": The first slate of nominees for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary!

"It's getting hot in here--so take off all their robes!" Thus spake Nelly, when UTR invited him to be a guest judge for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary. He graciously declined, but the competition will proceed.

Before proceeding to discuss the competition, which you are surely eager to hear about, Article III Groupie would like to offer her profuse apologies for her absence from these pages over the past few days. Unfortunately, much of last week was taken up by a very unpleasant document production. Despite certain time-saving rules that she employed (e.g., "when in doubt, it's non-responsive"), slogging through the boxes took Article III Groupie many, many hours--and also caused her to break a fingernail. This kind of mind-numbing drudgery is not what Article III Groupie had in mind when she signed up to be a Biglaw Litigatrix. (In between brutal documention productions, Article III Groupie consoles herself by blowing too much of her six-figure salary on clothing by Prada.)

Anyway, back to matters of substance. Thanks to everyone who has written in thus far with federal judicial superhottie nominations. Nominations will be accepted by e-mail until 11:59 p.m. on Friday, June 18, 2004. When you submit a nomination, please provide brief explanation of why you think the nominee is sufficiently delectable to merit consideration as a Superhottie, as well as a photograph (if possible).

After the close of nominations, UTR will post the list of nominees, together with comments on each nominee (as well as photographs if available). The polls will then be open to UTR readers to vote, by e-mail, for the one male or the one female they would like to see elected to Superhottie status. Voting will be by e-mail, to avoid any American Idol-style voting controversies, and you should vote for only one man or one woman. Article III Groupie is a traditional kinda gal, and she does not support any newfangled, harebrained, Lani Guinier-style voting schemes. Polls will close at 11:59 p.m. on Friday, June 25, 2004. Shortly thereafter, the top three female and male vote getters will be announced, in rank order, and crowned Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary.

And so, without further ado, the judicial hotties currently under consideration as possible Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary are:

The Hot. Frank M. Hull (11th Cir.) (female)
The Hot. Reena Raggi (2d Cir.)
The Hot. John G. Roberts, Jr. (D.C. Cir.)
The Hot. Jeffrey S. Sutton (6th Cir.)
The Hot. Kim McLane Wardlaw (9th Cir.)
The Hot. Kimba M. Wood (S.D.N.Y.)

These nominees certainly get Article III Groupie's pulse racing! But as Ryan Seacrest of American Idol might say, "America, don't forget--you have to vote for the judicial hotties." So if you aren't excited about the nominees listed above, do something about it--send Article III Groupie an e-mail with the judge that you would like to see crowned a Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary!

All hot and bothered,

Article III Groupie

Fili-BUSTED! Magnificent judicial divas have been stopped dead in their tracks. Now UTR asks: Who is the biggest diva?

Fili-BUSTED! Three prominent, conservative female jurists have had their nominations to important federal appeals courts stopped by filibusters in the Senate.

Justice Janice Rogers Brown of the California Supreme Court, left, has been nominated to the D.C. Circuit. Judge Carolyn B. Kuhl of the California Superior Court for Los Angeles County, middle, has been nominated to the Ninth Circuit. Justice Priscilla R. Owen of the Supreme Court of Texas, right, has been nominated to the Fifth Circuit. But the nominations of Justice Brown, Judge Kuhl, and Justice Owen (collectively, "the Judicial Divas") won't be going anywhere soon. These strong, smart women have the Senate Democrats running scared, which is why the Democrats have resulted to the drastic step of filibustering their nominations.

President Bush has made valiant efforts to push the Judicial Divas' nominations forward. Last November, he brought the Judicial Divas -- singled out from among all of his nominees -- to the White House, for a special press conference demanding fairness in the judicial nominations process. The President declared that "these three ladies" -- the federal judicial equivalent of Charlie's Angels -- are "the absolute right picks for their respective positions."

Despite such pressure from the White House, the Senate Democrats are not budging. Twenty-five less controversial nominees will make it through to confirmation as part of an agreement between the White House and Senate Democrats (described here by the Washington Post). But the Judicial Divas are most definitely not part of that deal.

Will the Senate Democrats ever relent on the President's judicial nominees -- especially if he wins a second term? Perhaps -- but it is unlikely that they will allow all of the nominees currently being filibustered to make it to the Senate floor. Difficult choices will have to be made. The White House will have to decide which of its most controversial nominees it will to go to the mat for, and which nominees are not worth the political capital.

Which nominee will President Bush support to the bitter end, and how will he make his decision? President Bush, in conjunction with White House counsel Alberto Gonzales, will surely make his decisions based on pragmatic political considerations. But if I, Article III Groupie, were queen for a day, the President's decision would be based not on ideology, demographics, or confirmability, but on the answer to a single question:

Who is the biggest judicial diva?

How does one measure the diva quotient of judicial nominees? One reader offers this proposal:

1. Set up a catwalk on the South Lawn of the White House.

2. Require Justice Brown, Judge Kuhl, and Justice Owen to stride up and down the catwalk, wearing black judicial robes and Manolo Blahnik stilettos, while Supermodel by RuPaul blares over the loudspeakers: "State court judge, you better work! Work it, girl! Sashay, shante!"

3. After watching the women strut their stuff, Al Gonzales decides who is the biggest diva.

President Bush introduces the Judicial Divas at an Oval Office press conference, under the watchful gaze of RuPaul, non-judicial diva par excellence.

Thankfully, there are easier ways to measure diva power. Look no further than UTR's patented J.D. Degree system. "J.D" does not stand for "Juris Doctor" -- it stands for "Judicial Diva"!

The J.D. Degree system measures diva-hood on a scale of 0 to 100. A nominee's overall score is calculated based on her scores in three subcategories, namely, the three "A"s: Attitude, Aptitude, and Attractiveness.

1. Attitude (50 percent)

Attitude is the most important attribute of the Judicial Diva, accounting for half of her overall score. The Judicial Diva must be confident, even arrogant. She does not suffer fools gladly -- and, to the Judicial Diva, almost everyone is a fool. The Judicial Diva is outspoken, voicing her views in forceful and saucy fashion. Her abrasive manner may alienate some, but she doesn't care -- she's a Judicial Diva!

2. Aptitude (30 percent)

A music review in the October 21, 2002 issue of Time magazine offers the following observation: "By definition, a diva is a rampaging female ego redeemed, only in part, by a lovely voice." Similarly, the Judicial Diva is a rampaging female ego redeemed, only in part, by a brilliant legal mind. Hence the importance of aptitude, the Judicial Diva's legal ability and acumen, as measured by the firepower of her résumé and her achievements within the profession.

3. Attractiveness (20 percent)

Obviously attractiveness cannot be the most important quality of the Judicial Diva (which is why it accounts for only 20 percent of her score). After all, we're talking about Judicial Divas. It would be disingenuous, however, to claim that beauty is irrelevant to the diva calculus. All things being equal, a federal judicial super-hottie will out-diva a federal judicial supernottie any day of the week.

Using the J.D. Degree system, UTR will now conduct a head-to-head comparison of the three Judicial Divas.

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1. Justice Janice Rogers Brown: "The Uppity Black Diva"
(Please do not mistake this for racism; it is a reference to Justice Thomas's famous condemnation of his confirmation hearings as "a high-tech lynching for uppity blacks.")

Attitude: 9.5
That Justice Brown is one sassy lady! Some provocative excerpts from her speeches and judicial opinions have been collected here by the People for the American Way ("PFAW"). Here is a revealing excerpt from a report on Justice Brown, also prepared by the PFAW:

[Justice Brown] has been severely criticized concerning her judicial temperament and collegiality. Some of her dissenting opinions have been contemptuous of her colleagues. Sources on the court reportedly stated that her fellow justices have privately complained about her “poison pen” and have called Brown a “loose cannon when she has a typewriter in front of her.”

Justice Brown's outspoken nature may not earn her points with the People for the American Way. But it sure does wonders for her diva rating!

Aptitude: 7.0
Justice Brown received a mixed ABA rating, with a majority deeming her "qualified" and a minority deeming her "not qualified." Her résumé is perfectly fine, but not spectacular.

Attractiveness: 7.0
As explained here by the New York Times, you can post a person's photograph on the website Hot or Not to obtain a fairly objective assessment of the subject's attractiveness...

Justice Brown's J.D. Degree: 82.5 (magna cum laude)

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2. Judge Carolyn B. Kuhl: "The California Dreamin' Diva"

Attitude: 7.0
Although her opponents attempt to depict her as a raving, right-wing zealot -- see, e.g., this report by the Alliance for Justice ("AFJ") -- Judge Kuhl appears to be fairly restrained in her demeanor. At her confirmation hearings, Judge Kuhl came across as more moderate and open-minded than her critics claim, even distancing herself from some of her prior positions, as this AFJ report suggests. The ideal diva, however, would have stood her ground, roundly condemning the committee Democrats as a bunch of petty, emasculated political hacks. (This is how the scene will unfold in the made-for-television movie "Judicial Divas," with Judge Kuhl portrayed by her fellow California blonde, Heather Locklear.) While Judge Kuhl's decision to present herself as reasonable is pragmatic and understandable, it does not earn her diva points.

Aptitude: 9.5
It would be difficult to find a résumé more impressive than the résumé of Judge Kuhl: Princeton; Duke Law School; a clerkship with Justice Kennedy, when he was on the Ninth Circuit; various positions at the Department of Justice, including the unspeakably prestigious post of Deputy Solicitor General; and a partnership at the powerhouse L.A. law firm of Munger, Tolles & Olson. Judge Kuhl's mixed ABA rating of "well qualified"/"qualified" is thus difficult to comprehend; a more eminently qualified candidate for judicial service would be hard to imagine. Perhaps Judge Kuhl fell victim to "player haters" on the ABA committee -- mediocre lawyers not fit to button an assistant solicitor general's morning coat.

(Why doesn't Judge Kuhl get an aptitude score of 10, you might ask? Well, back when Judge Kuhl clerked for AMK, he was merely Judge Anthony M. Kennedy of the Ninth Circuit, not Justice Kennedy of the Supreme Court. Thus, because Judge Kuhl is not among "the Elect" -- UTR-speak for Supreme Court clerks -- she is automatically ineligible for a perfect aptitude score.)

Attractiveness: 7.5

Judge Kuhl's J.D. Degree: 78.5 (cum laude)

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3. Justice Priscilla Owen: "The Lone Star Diva"

Attitude: 9.0
Justice Owen is the second most frequent dissenter among the justices currently serving on the Texas Supreme Court, as noted in this report by the PFAW, and she does not pull her punches. Colleagues have criticized the "inflammatory rhetoric" of her scorching dissents, as the PFAW notes here. Justice Owen even locked horns with White House Counsel Al Gonzales when he was on the Texas Supreme Court, outflanking him on the right, as noted in this amusingly titled PFAW press release, Alberto Gonzales v. Priscilla Owen.

Aptitude: 9.0
As Justice Owen's biography and résumé reflect, she graduated at the top of her law school class at Baylor, where she served on the law review. She then proceeded to have a very successful career in private practice, making partner at Andrews & Kurth, a leading Texas law firm. Justice Owen's legal experience isn't marked by much diversity, and her résumé may not "shock and awe" like Judge Kuhl's, but Justice Owen's steely competence is undeniable. The ABA is no friend to conservative judicial nominees, as Professor James Lindgren explains in this article, but even the ABA was compelled to award Justice Owen a unanimous rating of "well qualified."

Attractiveness: 7.0

Justice Owen's J.D. Degree: 86.0 (summa cum laude)

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And so the winner of our competition is Justice Priscilla Owen, "The Lone Star Diva," who receives a total score of 86, earning her J.D. degree summa cum laude. (If you think UTR's grading system is a little strange, well, it's loosely based on that of the University of Chicago.) Although Justice Brown, "The Uppity Black Diva," may have more attitude, and Judge Kuhl, "The California Dreamin' Diva," may have a slightly more golden résumé, Priscilla is the Queen -- not just of the Desert, but of the Right-Wing Judicial Divas.

In closing, your loyal correspondent, Article III Groupie, would like to state for the record her own views on the Right-Wing Judicial Divas. As Samantha Jones of Sex and the City might say: "Judicial Divas? They're fabulous!" References in these pages to Justice Brown, Judge Kuhl, and Justice Owen as Right-Wing Judicial Divas should not be viewed as derogatory. To the contrary, as far as Article III Groupie is concerned, few stations are more noble than right-wing judicial diva-dom. Indeed, it is the state towards which all female lawyers ought to aspire.

The term "right-wing" is an epithet to many, but not to Article III Groupie, whose own views are conservative. Similarly, the term "diva" may be widely viewed as pejorative, but not by Article III Groupie. Article III Groupie admires strong, confident women -- she likes to think of herself as one -- and she understands, all too well, how women must be assertive and aggressive in order to succeed in the male-dominated world of law.

Article III Groupie holds Justice Brown, Judge Kuhl, and Justice Owen in the highest esteem -- and she hopes to someday join their distinguished ranks. UTR wishes these highly accomplished women the best of luck in their efforts to win Senate confirmation to the Article III bench.

Sincerely,

Article III Groupie

Underneath Their Robes: Mission Statement

FEDERAL JUDGES. You've read their opinions in the Federal Reporter. You, or your clients, have complied with their orders. But how well do you really know our nation's federal judges -- not just as jurists, but as people? Enquiring minds want to know: What do federal judges have going on "underneath their robes"? (Does Chief Justice Rehnquist wear boxers or briefs? Probably boxers, except when playing tennis with his law clerks.)

"Underneath Their Robes" ("UTR") is a combination of People, US Weekly, Page Six, The National Enquirer, and Tigerbeat, focused not on vacuous movie stars or fatuous teen idols, but on the federal judiciary. The mission of UTR is to get "underneath the robes" of our federal judges, to find out what they are really like -- not as impersonal guardians of the Constitution, or as disembodied legal minds analyzing complex legal disputes, but as human beings. After all, federal judges are people too, with unique personalities, private lives, and peccadilloes, all just waiting to be explored.

There are some one million lawyers in the United States, but only 877 active federal judges. These 877 brilliant men and women represent the top 0.1% of American lawyers. Prior to taking the Article III bench, they distinguished themselves as practicing lawyers, state court judges, non-Article III federal judges, or legal academics. Now these superstars of the legal profession have been apotheosized, through nomination by the President and confirmation by the Senate, to life-tenured positions of tremendous power and prestige. Federal judges are the gods and goddesses of the American justice system. The decisions that they make affect all of us, touching countless aspects of our everyday lives.

In short, federal judges are legal celebrities. Although certain flashy criminal defense or plaintiffs' lawyers might be more well-known to the general public, federal judges are the "rock stars" of the legal profession's upper echelons. Although they might not admit it, practicing lawyers spend countless hours around the water cooler gossiping about the federal judges before whom they appear. Ambitious law students seeking prestigious judicial clerkships become similarly obsessed with Article III jurists, fixating on them as if they were teen idols. In light of federal judges' high station and great influence, as well as the insights of legal realism concerning the important role that a judge's personality and private life can play in judicial decisionmaking, such keen interest in federal judges as people is understandable and justified.

Despite this interest, surprisingly little attention is paid by the news media to the personal lives of federal judges. This is in part the result of the low profiles kept by many federal judges, who often seek to present themselves to the public as judicial machines, administering justice with absolute impartiality. But the insufficient attention paid to federal judges as people is also the fault of news reporters and legal commentators who spend hours poring over the latest judicial decisions, but hardly any time delving into the personal backgrounds of the decisionmakers.

UTR seeks to change all that, by bringing you the latest news and gossip about federal judiciary: who's good, who's bad, and who's ugly. Yes, UTR will expose the shortcomings and imperfections of our federal judges. But it will also celebrate their positive attributes. Adjectives commonly used to describe our federal judges include honorable, intelligent, learned, distinguished, and hardworking. UTR proposes to add a few more to the list: glamorous, sexy, fun -- and fabulous!

These upcoming reports from UTR provide a taste of what you can look forward to in future posts:

The Wheels of Justice: What do our nation's judges drive? (Hint: Jaguars are surprisingly popular. Grrr!!!)

UTR Cribs: Inspired by MTV Cribs, UTR goes inside the halls of justice, with this exclusive report about the luxurious residences of the most well-heeled federal jurists.

Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" Or, less poetically: Which legal minds have the best bodies? UTR is now accepting your nominations for the hottest women and men whose firm, toned butts occupy the Article III bench. Please send nominations to UTR by email, preferably with photographs.

A Hunger for Justice: Judge Jerome Frank and his fellow legal realists thought that a case might get decided "based on what the judge had for breakfast." So -- what did the judge have for breakfast? What judges have idiosyncratic culinary tastes? Which judges are on diets -- and which judges aren't, but should be? Find out in UTR's exploration of the care and feeding of Article III judges.

A final note: UTR is only as good as the information obtained by yours truly, Article III Groupie. Drawing upon a wide range of news sources, she conducts diligent research to bring you the latest news about the federal judiciary, which she combines with her own unique and colorful commentary. But she relies upon you, her readers and correspondents, for the "inside scoop" about federal judges -- the juicy morsels of gossip, the piles of dirty laundry that never make it into the sanitized pages of our media outlets. So please, email your news and gossip about federal judges to Article III Groupie, early and often!

Welcome to the pages of UTR!

Yours truly,

Article III Groupie