Was Judge John Roberts a 41-Year-Old Virgin?

Over the past few weeks, several UTR readers contacted Article III Groupie with a certain rumor. Here's a typical expression of it:

Rumor has it that Judge John G. Roberts, Jr. and Mrs. Jane Sullivan Roberts were both virgins at the time of their marriage. What do you think?

A3G hesitated before deciding to share this gossip with her readership. It's a bit salacious and probing, even by the (admittedly low) standards of this salacious and probing blog. But she ultimately decided that it was appropriate for publication, for the following reasons:

1. The rumor that John Roberts did not have sex before marriage is not negative in any way. To the contrary, it is a testament to the strong moral values and Catholic faith of Judge and Mrs. Roberts. In this day and age of debauchery, it's easy to forget that chastity is still a virtue.

2. The rumor is already running rampant throughout the blogosphere and the message boards.*

3. The possibility that John Roberts was a 41-year-old virgin was heavily hinted at by the mainstream news media, which repeatedly noted that (a) Judge and Mrs. Roberts got married when they were both 41, and (b) they are both "devout Catholics." One doesn't need to have aced the LSAT's logical reasoning section to figure out what flows from these two propositions.

In addition, consider the highly suggestive headline of this Washington Post story: "Few Have Felt Beat of Roberts's Political Heart." Why not just write a headline screaming "SCOTUS Nominee Didn't Get Laid Until Marriage," and be done with it?

(The reason that this headline immediately conjures up thoughts of virginity, consciously or unconsciously, probably has to do with the lyrics of Madonna's classic song, Like a Virgin: "Like a virgin / Touched for the very first time / Like a virgin / When your heart beats / Next to mine.")

4. Considering the copious amounts of ink that were spilled over the much-debated virginity of Britney Spears -- which has been conclusively forfeited, as demonstrated by the birth of her baby boy, Sean Preston -- surely we can spend a few moments discussing the sexual practices of a man who will be heading the Third Branch of our government.

5. Is speculating on John Roberts's age when he lost his virginity any more objectionable than speculating as to whether he might be gay or straight, as this blog has already done?

So, in light of the foregoing, A3G's editorial decision to broach the topic of how long John Roberts was a virgin is eminently defensible. Indeed, the Robertsian virginity is arguably a subject of legitimate public interest. The Democratic senators on the Judiciary Committee were clearly eager to learn about "John Roberts, the man," as opposed to "John Roberts, the legal automaton." And if you really wanted to get to know a man, wouldn't you want to know how old he was when he lost his virginity? It's a fact that is at least as revealing as his favorite movies. After all, a man's attitudes towards premarital sex or extramarital sex -- as reflected in his own "youthful indiscretions" (or lack thereof) -- might shed light on his views on Abortion, that Most Important Legal and Public Policy Issue.**

Assuming that the rumor that John Roberts was a 41-year-old virgin is true (as rumors almost always are), the question then becomes:

How did John Roberts survive so long on the planet Earth without sex?

As always, the ever-helpful A3G has a theory. By the time that he got married in 1996, even if the 41-year-old John Roberts had not yet had sex, he had had some 22 Supreme Court oral arguments. And if you can get that much action over at One First Street, who needs the red-light district?

If you question the adequacy of oral argument before the Supreme Court as a substitute for sex, consider these two comments from UTR readers (which A3G has taken out of their original context, as she frequently does with reader email, but not unfairly so):

"A3G, it's too bad that you'll never be a member of the Solicitor General's Office. There is no experience that compares to an oral argument before the Supreme Court. It's even better than sex!"**

"I had one argument before the Supreme Court, and it was one of the most painful experiences in my life. Do you have any idea of what it's like to get f***ed by nine people at the same time? (Okay, eight -- the silent Justice Thomas did not participate in the gang-bang that I was subjected to.)"

Well! A3G isn't going down this path any further (i.e., think up your own Justice-Thomas-and-group-sex joke).

Let's end this post on a happy note. Regardless of whether John Roberts and Jane Roberts were virgins when they got married, the important thing is that now, as married people, they are free to make as much whoopee as they want. According to official Catholic doctrine, as exemplified by the ardently Catholic Justice Antonin Scalia (who has nine children), "Once you're hitched, there is nothing wrong with having oodles and oodles of mind-blowing sex -- just don't use contraception!" (Yes, that's a very rough paraphrase of church teaching; more precise guidance is available in the Catechism of the Catholic Church.)

If the picture at left (previously discussed here) is any indication, Judge and Mrs. John Roberts have a vibrant and flourishing sex life. Consequently, A3G must respectfully dissent from the somewhat staid portrait painted by Ann Althouse, who imagined that after day two of his confirmation hearings, Judge Roberts "went home and had a nice dinner and a glass of wine with his wife, spent the evening playing Uno with his kids, went to bed early, and is now sleeping soundly."

Playing Uno and retiring early? No way -- Judge and Mrs. Roberts had far more exciting plans, which kept them up pretty darn late! And now Judge Roberts's bloodshot eyes, and Jane Roberts's dozing off during the hearings, all make perfect sense...

* Consider this amusing discussion, from a message board about law school admissions, on the subject "Was John Roberts a 40-Year-Old Virgin":

adm19103: who is supposedly a devout Christian who got married in his forties; assuming, of course, he is heterosexual

WhickedSick: no u clown. not a chance in hell. The guy has been prestigious as all hell since his late twenties, had a sense of humor... especially since he worked for the reagan administration, there are tons of chicks all looking for that. [A3G herself falls for guys who are "prestigious as all hell," but she doesn't know how much weight prestige carries for the average woman.]

Tony Clifton: workaholics like this guy don't have time to get laid.

WhickedSick: yeah okay. getting laid is part of the fuel that keeps guys like him going.

Tony Clifton: I'm sure the associates at wachtell go clubbing every night and score hot chicks by dropping the "w-bomb." [This strikes A3G as highly dubious, unless the Wachtell associates start stuffing their abundant bonus money into G-strings.]

don barzini: he was a good football player in HS i think, meaning he probably worked cute little cheerleaders since he was 16 or so.

Phillyside: I thought he admitted to being a horrible high school football player...

WhickedSick: u could be shitty as hell. as long as you are the captain it doesnt matter. its all relative social status

don barzini: indeed. little skanks with single digit IQ's dont know if you're good at the game or not, they just know your "like, the captain!"

To all you law professors among the UTR readership: Yes, these people may someday be your students...

** A3G does not mean to disparage the (obviously critical) importance of abortion as an issue, to people on both sides of the debate. She just thinks that the senatorial and news media focus upon abortion has gotten a little out of hand. Let's not forget: the Supreme Court has decided a few cases in addition to Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey over the past 40 years.

Comments

[Davieo]

Glad you hesitated - that was good of you.