It's time for one of this blog's most popular features: Justice Is Blind: Delicious Gossip About Judges Who Shall Remain Nameless! Where else on the web can you find blind items of gossip about federal judges?
Like prior installments, this installment of "Justice Is Blind" has a theme: Supreme Court short-listers,* those judicial deities who came this close to winning the Grand Prize -- a nomination to the Supreme Court of the United States.
We tend to think of federal judges as gods and goddesses, perfect beings who lack both the flaws and the desires of mere mortals. But as the items below indicate, federal judges -- even those exalted enough to make the Supreme Court short-list -- are human, all too human.
Perhaps this isn't entirely surprising. After all, as the old saying goes, "To be passed over for the Supreme Court is human; to be nominated to the Supreme Court is divine!"
And now, the blind items:
1. Not Exactly an Eagle Scout. Judge John G. Roberts, Jr., who walked away (or ran off) with the coveted SCOTUS nod, has been described as "an Eagle Scout in his personal life." It's quite likely that President Bush took this into account in selecting him, thinking that Judge Roberts's squeaky-clean background would make the confirmation hearings that much easier.
Such thinking makes perfect sense. Had President Bush gone with this shortlister instead -- a judge rumored to engage in extravagant spending of taxpayer dollars (despite significant personal wealth), and to issue clerk-drafted opinions without reading them, among other things -- the confirmation process could have gotten pretty ugly. After all, not all judicial misconduct takes the form of references to pubic-hair-laden soft drinks...
2. A Few Good Men (and Women). Law clerk hiring season is almost upon us, so a blind item related to the clerk selection process would appear to be in order. This short-list regular gets some excellent people to clerk for him -- although perhaps not for excellent reasons.
First, this judge employs aggressive tactics, including exploding offers: "You're expected to say yes before you leave the room," according to one UTR source. One clerkship applicant asked for a little time to think about the offer and make a phone call; the judge said, "I'd prefer that you not do that." Not surprisingly, after being subjected to such intense, face-to-face pressure from a federal judge, the applicant accepted on the spot.
Second, this judge gets some fine folks to clerk for him because his is known as an "easy" clerkship. When interviewees ask the current clerks the best thing about the position, they're typically told, "It's an easy job," rather than "[Judge X] is a great judge," or "You'll learn a lot and get great training."
Well, no great scandal here; there are certainly worse things than a laid-back judicial clerkship. All the prestige, with none of the pain -- what's not to like?
3. "Hath not a federal judge eyes? If you prick him, does he not bleed?" Federal judges get to exercise the judicial power of the United States. They have lifetime tenure, they earn six-figure salaries, and they get to boss around young legal geniuses called law clerks. What more could they want?
Alas, contrary to the widely-held view of federal judges as superhuman beings inhabiting a realm beyond desire, they too have hopes and dreams, which sometimes go unfulfilled. Among leading jurists, the most fervent wish of all is for a seat on the Supreme Court. A3G can assure you that any federal judge who says she isn't interested in being appointed to the Court is lying. (The same is true of any judge who denies banging his own gavel.)
In the days immediately preceding the president's announcement of the Roberts nomination, this shortlister could barely concentrate on his day-to-day duties, due to his anxiety over whether he'd get the fateful phone call. At oral arguments during this period of time, he was visibly distracted; clearly his mind was on other things.
After Judge Roberts's nomination was announced, this judge was disconsolate -- perhaps because he knew that the spot that went to Roberts was his last, best hope for a seat on the Court. This jurist was utterly unable to hide his depression, leading one of his colleagues to remark to her law clerks, "[Judge Y] is really taking it hard. We're worried about him!"
4. Hope springs eternal. This jurist, who is highly regarded and solidly conservative, would have made a great Supreme Court nominee -- if only he were ten years younger. Despite his age, he has not yet relinquished his dreams of a parking spot at One First Street, which he continues to cling to "with every fiber of his being."
Earlier this year, after learning about the selection of 78-year-old Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger as Pope Benedict XVI, this judge half-jokingly quipped, "The Pope gives me hope!" Unfortunately for him, the process of picking a SCOTUS nominee is "more Hollywood than Holy See" in how much it values youth -- as the President's selection of the young, fit, and handsome Judge Roberts ultimately demonstrated.
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Article Three Groupie, who is no stranger to disappointment, has some helpful advice for the despondent judges discussed in blind items #3 and #4, as well as all of the other crestfallen short-listers. Just follow these three, easy steps for the alleviation of heartbreak and pain:
1. Go into your bedroom, and be sure to lock the door behind you -- so no one will walk in and see you, a federal judge, in such a humiliating and degraded state.
2. Pop the Les Miserables cast recording into your CD player (or cue it up on your iPod), turn up the volume, and put "I Dreamed a Dream" on repeat play.
3. Cry yourself to sleep, to the impassioned strains of Fantine singing, "But there are dreams that cannot be / And there are storms we cannot weather..."
Yes, it's that easy! Take it from A3G; it works every time. She guarantees that you'll feel so much better in the morning!
* While we're on the subject of Supreme Court "short list" gossip, be sure to check out this deliciously dishy article by Peter Baker of the Washington Post, which offers an impressively detailed, behind-the-scenes look at how the White House went about picking a SCOTUS nominee.