Judicial SIGHT-ations: More from the ACS Conference

There is much to blog about concerning our SCOTUS nominee, Judge John G. Roberts, Jr., and Article III Groupie will be returning her attention to him shortly. For now, however, she would like to complete her coverage of last month's ACS National Convention, a fabulous event attended by many left-wing luminaries of the federal judiciary. (Her prior posts about the ACS conference are available here and here.)

Back in this post, A3G quoted a UTR reader who noted the tendency of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to float in and out of panel discussions. Another correspondent offers a possible explanation for such apparition-like behavior:

The reason Judge Berzon probably came and left the "Secularism and Religion: A False Dichotomy?" session is because each member of the panel read word-for-word prepared text. I was quite disappointed, because I had attended this session in order to see/hear the famous Judge Reinhardt. But all he did was read a 10-plus page speech straight into the mike, often losing his way while turning pages and losing the flow of the speech.

Hmm... very interesting! A3G understands that Judge Stephen Reinhardt is in somewhat better health now than he was a few years ago. But the foregoing account suggests that the fearsomely brilliant leader of the Ninth Circuit's liberal wing may be losing his formidable powers.

(Has the Emperor Palpatine started the process of grooming a successor? A3G's suggestion: form a ruling triumvirate, composed of Darth Berzon, Judge William A. Fletcher,* and Judge Sidney R. Thomas, three of the court's smartest, youngest, and most liberal members.)

Okay, back to the ACS conference report. UTR's source continues:

[Judge Reinhardt was] much less interesting than those judges who spoke extemporaneously, like super-hottie Judge Kozinski. Judge Kozinski told a few anecdotes in his talk about morals. This was one aimed to show that morality is situational:

Father says to son: now what if you are working the cash register at a store and someone comes in and gives you a $20, but both of you think it is a $10. Son then unwittingly gives the customer back less change than is due. After the customer leaves the store, the son realizes that the customer gave him a $20. Father asks son, so what do you do? Son answers: well, it was a mutual mistake, the customer never will know the difference, I'll just keep the money. Father says "no" you must run down the street screaming after the customer about the mistake and give him the rest of his money back because "your reputation is your fortune."

Then the father describes another scenario to the son. What if you are doing a multi-hundred million dollar deal and after the deal is done, you realize that both parties made a HUGE mistake in the figures, whereby you have profited by many millions of dollars. So what do you do, father asks. Son says, well, I should contact the other side and tell them about the mistake because my reputation is my fortune. The father says, "No, you schmuck! If you have a fortune, who cares about your reputation?" This drew huge laughs from the audience.

And understandably so! Judge Kozinski is truly one of the Article III judiciary's great wits. In the words of another UTR reader in attendance, "That judicial hottie extraordinare, Judge Alex Kozinski, was a high point, even for us libs. He is so deserving of his hottie crown! Let's face it, it's human nature to crush on one so brilliant and clever and antipodal to your own opinions." (Very interesting -- could this explain A3G's Single White Female-obsession with She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?)

Of course, Judge Kozinski was not the only source of humor at the proceedings. Consider this report on the panel discussing the Supreme Court's decision earlier this year in United States v. Booker:

Judge Nancy Gertner (D. Mass.) made quite an impression on the Booker panel. She received a compliment on one of her post-Booker opinions from an unlikely source, fellow panel participant Judge Michael McConnell (10th Cir.). To which Judge Gertner called out to the audience, "Anyone from the First Circuit in attendance?" (Presumably, Judge Gertner hopes not to be reversed.)

On the same Booker panel, Judge Joseph Bataillon (D. Neb.) got off on Judge Gertner's bad side when he reeled off statistics showing that federal district judges in Nebraska had much heavier criminal case loads than federal district judges in Massachusetts. To which, in good humour, Judge Gertner commented that because "they were so idle" in Massachusetts, they had time to flesh out more detailed opinions than their colleagues in Nebraska (hence the compliment from Judge McConnell). It left this participant wondering why there is so much crime in Nebraska, a state that in my East-Coast-centric mind is a total wasteland.

Judge Gertner was also looking quite attractive, in a tangerine blazer...

Fantastic! A3G would expect nothing less from such a judicial hottie as Judge Gertner. (For one-stop-shopping when it comes to Booker, which rendered the federal Sentencing Guidelines advisory, check out Sentencing Law and Policy.)

Finally, let's conclude this report with a super-tasty morsel of overheard conversation, courtesy of some expert eavesdropping. This block quotation may look lengthy, but you have to trust A3G on this: it's top-shelf dish! So here you go -- with hilarious, snarky commentary furnished by UTR's source (so A3G can accept neither credit nor blame):

[W]hile I was sitting in the lobby after one of the marquee events, a dapper, if beaky, little (40-somethingish) guy trotted over to the elderly fellow sitting to my immediate right. "Hi, I'm Marty's nephew, Edward. We met at the wedding."

The older guy took a minute to place Edward, and then they started chatting like old family friends. Edward wasted no time delving into his list of accomplishments. He'd clerked after law school, is now at a firm, has written a few books -- you know, the usual. (At this point, I'm already simultaneously nauseated and fascinated.)

The older man asks: "Oh, who did you clerk for?"

"Well, first I went to the Ninth Circuit with Bill Norris.** Great guy."

"Oh yes, of course, wonderful!"

"Then I was with Blackmun for OT '88."

(Um, yes, that is fantastic and all, but is it just me, or have you already started humming Glory Days? 1988?!? And this is still your conversational lede?)

"Oh, you clerked with Blackmun, how wonderful."

"Yes, I wrote a book about it you may have read."

"Really? What is it called?"

"Closed Chambers."

(Okay. I know that in most circles this is about as interesting as dry toast. But, hello! This member of the Elect waxing about his marvelous accomplishments is none other than Edward Lazarus, now of Akin Gump, formerly Dark Child of the Elect, supposed revealer of court secrets! I think I should win an Oscar for the level of nonchalance I was feigning throughout this exchange.)

"Oh, Closed Chambers! That's a wonderful book. It's sitting on my desk. Really, I think it paints a very accurate picture."

(Um, subtext here? The elderly fellow's nametag remained obscured from me, but it seems perfectly clear that he, too, had been a member of the Elect many moons ago.)

"Thank you, thank you. Yes, I took some heat for the book, but I'm proud of it. Thanks." (Say "thank you" one more time and I'm going to impale you with a cocktail fork.) "I ran into Kozinski yesterday -- one of my most vocal critics, you know [see here] -- but we spoke, said hello. I guess we're over it."

(Lazarus acted as though he and Kozinski had had a lovers' quarrel! Mon dieu!)

From here, the interest factor began spiraling downward while the nausea factor continued to rise. Luckily Lazarus tired of talking to the older gentleman when the conversation drifted from anything other than his own accomplishments, so he excused himself after a few more ego strokes.

To be honest, for all of Article III Groupie's fascination with (and creation of interest in) the Elect, this reader would rather discuss the relative efficiencies of various lint-trap designs than have a chat with Mr. Lazarus. I'll take my no-tier law school and hopeless relegation to legal serfdom over that kind of self-important nonsense any day. Hopefully he is not representative of his esteemed cohorts.

Hope this tidbit finds you well and spending more time drumming up gossip and less time fearing She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. She's really not all that.

Hilarious! Article 3 Groupie thanks this reader, and all of her other readers who attended the ACS conference, for their excellent reporting. After all, the conservative A3G was not present herself -- she would sooner be caught in a pair of jean shorts than at the ACS National Convention!***

In closing, A3G would like to say a few things for the record concerning Eddie Lazarus. Although she may not share his politics, A3G has nothing against Mr. Lazarus. First, he is a member of the Elect, and therefore brilliant. Second, and not surprisingly, A3G enjoyed much of Closed Chambers -- the gossipy parts, not the slog through the Supreme Court's abortion jurisprudence.

But A3G couldn't help but laugh out loud at her reader's account of this conversation. And just like Carrie Bradshaw, she couldn't help but wonder: "Are some members of the Elect, despite being the princes and princesses of the legal world, just as insecure as the rest of us?"

* Judge Willie Fletcher was, of course, in attendance at the ACS convention. But his mother, the equally liberal Judge Betty B. Fletcher, was unable to attend. Judge W. Fletcher, who was on the same panel as Judge Kozinski, offered the following, somewhat humorous explanation for his mother's absence (paraphrased): "My mother, 'B' for 'Better' Fletcher, sends her regrets. She could not come because of a last minute fracture to her leg.  So you will have to settle for 'W' -- for 'Worse' -- Fletcher!"

** In case you're wondering, yes, Judge William Norris -- who was a great liberal feeder judge in his day -- is among the Elect, having clerked for Justice Douglas. Interestingly enough, Judge Norris's seat on the Ninth could be viewed as reserved for Supreme Court clerks: it is now occupied by Willy Fletcher (Brennan/OT 1976).

(By the way, to all of you Ninth Circuit groupies out there, be sure to check out the Ninth Circuit Blog. It can be a bit too substantive sometimes, but it's often worthwhile and interesting.)

*** Yes, A3G realizes that there were some fairly conservative folks at the conference, including Judge Kozinski, Judge McConnell, and Professor Kerr. But they were there as panelists to provide ideological balance, not as "fellow travelers."

Comments

[Anonymous]

I agree with the last comment concerning Betty Fletcher versus Willy Fletcher. She's definitely more liberal than he is--a "liberal lioness," in A3G's words. The younger Judge Fletcher is not as hard-core as his mother.

Perhaps Judge W. Fletcher wants to seem (relatively) moderate, so he can someday be appointed to the Supreme Court?

Not to cut too fine a line, but I don't think Willy Fletcher is as liberal as the "B" Fletcher. Not saying that W is conservative, mind you, just that calling B "equally liberal" doesn't do justice to her career versus his.