Underneath Their Robes

Robing Room Report: Federalist Fiesta Collector's Edition! (Part 1)

From November 11 to November 13, 2004,* the Federalist Society held its National Lawyers Convention in Washington, D.C. Numerous superstars of the vast right-wing conspiracy, including many fabulous federal jurists, descended upon the Mayflower Hotel, turning it into the federal judicial equivalent of the Oscars night red carpet.

The glitzy and glamorous proceedings have been the subject of much discussion throughout the blogosphere. But almost all of this prior commentary has focused not on style, but on (grimace) substance.

So who can report on the more frivolous aspects of the Convention? Enquiring minds want to know: Which judges were looking hot, and which ones were looking -- not? Who was the Best-Dressed Judicial Spouse? And what about the Most Delicious Diva? Sounds like a job for yours truly, a.k.a. "the Joan Rivers of the federal judiciary," and Robing Room Report! (For additional information about robing rooms, including guidance concerning what a judge can and can't do in her robing room, check out this recent opinion from the Second Circuit (link via How Appealing).)

Now, A3G has so much to say about the Convention, so this edition of "Robing Room Report" will take the form of a two-part series. Today's installment (Part 1) will cover non-judicial attendees, who are still Important, as individuals closely connected to the federal judiciary (e.g., members of the Elect, former law clerks, judicial spouses or children, etc.). The next installment will discuss the Convention's brightest stars: the federal judicial deities who descended from Olympus to grace everyone with their presence. A3G believes in saving the best for last!

A long time has passed since the Convention, so let's get down to business. Instead of bothering to repeat them all here, A3G incorporates by reference the caveats, qualifications, and disclaimers set forth in the first edition of "Robing Room Report." If anything, the standard warnings apply even more strongly. As she has previously mentioned, because A3G did not attend this year's Federalist Fiesta, she was forced to rely entirely upon intelligence from field correspondents in preparing this report. She thanks them for their many missives, and she apologizes for her quasi-plagiarism, in the form of her quoting UTR correspondents without citing them by name -- which she does pursuant to UTR's standard e-mail policy, designed to protect contributors from federal judicial retribution.

And now, on to the awards, which will be presented in no particular order. In the spirit of the Oscars, for which nominations will be announced later today, A3G asks: "The envelope, please."

Least Loathsome Untouchable: Christopher A. Wray

This prize, bestowed upon the hottest member of the Great Unwashed, goes to Chris Wray, a participant in an "interesting," "spirited" panel discussion on the PATRIOT Act. Wray has done pretty well for himself professionally, despite being the only Luttigator not among the Elect. Overcoming this disability, he has risen to the post of Assistant Attorney General for the Department of Justice's Criminal Division (sizable shoes previously filled by one of the Anointed, Judge Michael Chertoff, recently profiled in UTR).

Wray wins the prize for Least Loathsome Untouchable, however, based not on his professional achievement, nor on the fact that "all the top D.C. firms have a [crude word omitted] for him" (as noted in this article). Rather, he wins for a far more meritocratic reason: he is "incredibly good-looking"! As one UTR reader gushed, Wray is "hunk-o-licious." He combines "the irresistible, boyish good looks of Nick Lachey with the handsome, rugged manliness of Campbell Scott." And his "genteel Southern accent" is "simply to die for!"

Runner-up: R. Alexander Acosta, Assistant Attorney General for the DOJ's Civil Rights Division. Like Wray, Acosta never made it to One First Street, despite clerking for a prominent conservative jurist (Judge Alito of the Third Circuit). Acosta loses out to Wray, however, not because Judge Luttig feeds more than Judge Alito, but because Acosta -- despite being "slender and appealing" -- is "merely cute." In contrast, Wray is "a hunk of burnin' love" and "a drool-inducing stud!"

If you have doubts on this score, consider the following comment from another UTR reader (which gives new meaning to the term mens rea): "[Wray] used to be a federal prosecutor in Atlanta. If he were an AUSA in my district, I'd commit a federal crime just so he could prosecute me!"

Sorry, dear readers: Wray is married with two children, as reported in the alumni bulletin of Andover, the elite prep school from which he graduated. And Alex Acosta, while not married, is also believed to be taken by a lucky young lady.

Most Adorable of the Anointed: Professor Eugene Volokh

Professor Volokh (SOC, OT 1993), the "baby-faced celebrity blogger" at the hub of the Volokh Conspiracy, "cut a fine figure" at the Convention. As a participant in a panel on free speech and election law, Professor Volokh was looking "absolutely adorable"! He was wearing a "lovely blue suit, blue striped shirt, and gorgeous red tie with distinctive blue-and-gold print (probably Zegna, maybe Robert Talbott)." He was "much better dressed than his former boss" (whose attire will be discussed -- and, A3G regrets to report, criticized -- in Part II of this report).

A digression: If you'd like to see more of Professor Volokh and the super-hot Judge Alex Kozinski, so you can form your own judgments about their appearance, check out this video clip. It's a fascinating segment from The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer dedicated to the Ninth Circuit split. Interviewees include Professor Volokh, sounding endearingly earnest; Judge Kozinski, wearing an elegant dark suit; Judge Diarmuid O'Scannlain, harshly dismissing one argument against a circuit split as "nonsense"; and Queen Mary, er, Chief Judge Mary Schroeder, looking regal and above the fray. It's a real treat for all you Ninth Circuit groupies out there.

Runner-up: Professor Viet Dinh (SOC, OT 1994), who is now back at Georgetown Law, after a stint heading up the DOJ's Office of Legal Policy (OLP), takes second place behind Professor Volokh (his predecessor in SOC's chambers). At the PATRIOT Act panel, Professor Dinh delivered "impressive and highly substantive" remarks, "sans notes." (His delivery, however, could use some improvement: he spoke "too quickly," making him "sound[] vaguely like Elmer Fudd.") Professor Dinh is "so cute, you just want to take him home with you!"

(Get your minds out of the gutter, people! Clearly this correspondent wants to take home Professor Dinh -- who came to this country at age 10, as a refugee fleeing war-torn Vietnam, in an "amazing and awe-inspiring turn of events" -- so he can be taken care of, nurtured, and protected. If you have any doubt on this score, check out the picture (above right) of the "cuddly" Professor Dinh, which reveals his "sweet, boyishly vulnerable appearance.")

Most Entertaining of the Elect: Professor John Choon Yoo

The Elect aren't just cute, like Professors Volokh and Dinh; they can also be very funny. As a participant in a panel entitled "The Use of Foreign Legal Materials in American Constitutional Interpretation," Professor Yoo of Boalt Hall was "hilarious." He delivered "delightfully disparaging remarks" about "those crazy Europeans," basically along the lines of how "we've had to go over there and save their lazy a**es time and time again."

Professor Yoo is an "unbelievably brilliant" academic with a "remarkably large head" (in a literal sense; see above left).  Not too long ago, he was a "red-hot star in the conservative legal firmament" with "impeccable credentials," including clerkships with Judge Silberman, whose acolytes now fill the corridors of executive power, and Justice Thomas (whom Yoo does not support for Chief Justice, interestingly enough).

From 2001 to 2003, while on leave from Boalt Hall, Professor Yoo served as a deputy assistant attorney general in the DOJ's Office of Legal Counsel (OLC). Known as "the brain trust of the executive branch," OLC is "staggeringly prestigious." Former OLC heads include Chief Justice Rehnquist (1969-71), who was appointed directly to the Supreme Court from OLC, and Justice Scalia (1974-77), who has reportedly launched a charm offensive in an effort to become the next Chief.

A digression: Speaking of the Chief, A3G was glad to see that he successfully administered the oath of office to President Bush. But WHR is not looking well these days, as described in almost painful detail in this recent sight-ation (link via Nomination Nation ).**

A further digression: The OLC shall henceforth be referred to in these pages as "Finishing School for the Elect." If you don't land a Supreme Court clerkship that immediately follows your feeder judge clerkship, cool your heels at the OLC, then reapply to the Court. Success is practically guaranteed! Current denizens of One First Street who passed through Finishing School en route to immortality include Curtis Gannon (E. Jones, AS) and Jennifer Koester (Garza, CT). And OT 2005 will witness the apotheosis of at least two more OLC alums, James Ho (J. Smith, CT) and John Demers (O'Scannlain, AS).

But before you rush off to the post office to mail in your application materials -- yes, the Finishing School is interviewing right now -- ask yourself: "Do I really want to write opinions on topics such as 'whether funding for technical assistance for the agricultural conservation programs listed in amended section 1241(a) of the Food Security Act of 1985 is subject to the section 11 cap on transfer of Commodity Credit Corporation funds'?"***

(Speaking only for herself, and with apologies to Meat Loaf, A3G answers the question thusly: "I would do anything for love -- but I won't do that!")

My goodness, sorry for the multiple digressions! Back to the good professor. Alas, an OLC stint has not helped Professor Yoo's career; to the contrary, it has caused it to crash and burn. Thanks to his unfortunate authorship of a controversial OLC memo (pdf) that critics condemned as "soft on torture" -- which caused him to be the subject of student protests at Berkeley, and which the OLC subsequently repudiated -- he is widely viewed as "radioactive" (or, as colorfully expressed by one correspondent, "non-confirmable to the post of Barney-groomer").****

UTR sources therefore offer the following armchair psychology about John Yoo: the fact that he's "out of running for pretty much any prominent [government] position" -- and "saying prayers of gratitude for academic tenure" -- explains why Yoo is such a "loose cannon" these days. Since Yoo "no longer needs to worry about ruining his chances" for a high-profile judicial or executive branch appointment, he "is now free to tell us how he really feels about things!"

Runner-up: Professor Richard A. Epstein. Professor Epstein, "that wacky genius," was "extremely entertaining" at the Convention. While sitting on a panel about Brown v. Board of Education and affirmative action, Professor Epstein "traded highly amusing bench-slaps" with his fellow panelist, Judge Guido Calabresi (2d Cir.). An attendee offers this eyewitness account:

It was the legal academy's answer to those "rap battles" from 8 Mile, in which the rappers tried to outdo other with increasingly creative disses and put-downs. Very funny stuff from both men. Calabresi kept addressing Epstein as "Richie," in this very dismissive tone, as if to say, "Richie, while I was clerking for Justice Black, you were a pimply-faced 15-year-old [vulgarism omitted] while sniffing your mother's underwear."

But Epstein gave as good as he got. At one point, in mockery of Calabresi's sloppy, loosey-goosey approach to interpreting the Constitution, Epstein exclaimed, "Guido, you can't spout poetry and call it constitutional analysis!" Later on, in response to Guido's citation of playwright George Bernard Shaw in one of his rambles, Epstein sniffed, "Guido, you can't beat the constitutional text with a quote from Man and Superman."

Best-Dressed Judicial Spouse: Maura O'Scannlain

Gisele, Natalia, Karolina -- get off the runway, girls! Make way for some real women, whose strappy sandals you are not worthy to untie. Spotted sashaying through the Mayflower as if they were strutting down the catwalks of Milan were several resplendent judicial consorts, including Judy Boggs, the wife of Judge Danny J. Boggs (6th Cir.), and Maureen Scalia, the estimable spouse of the Rock Star of One First Street (i.e., "the Bianca Jagger of One First Street").

Yes, competition in this category was fierce. But the tiara for Best-Dressed Judicial Spouse goes to Maura O'Scannlain, the wife of Judge Diarmuid O'Scannlain (9th Cir.). On one day of the conference, Mrs. O'Scannlain was spotted in "a beautifully finished houndstooth jacket." Another day saw her clad in "a fabulous pantsuit, in Katherine Harris red, with a paisley blouse and perfectly matched red overcoat." Indeed, "just like her husband's judicial philosophy," Mrs. O'Scannlain's personal style is "conservative, elegant, and distinctive." (And as you can see from the NewsHour video clip, her husband isn't a bad dresser either -- even if it wouldn't hurt him to be less conservative.)

Maura O'Scannlain's only fashion misstep: "drab, overly sensible black shoes." Given her outfit, perhaps she should have gone with a pair of "bright red high heels," like those worn by Judge Loretta A. Preska (S.D.N.Y.)...

Non-Article III "It" Judge: Judge Mark V. Holmes

Yes, A3G realizes that you may be tired of hearing about Judge Holmes, who has been the subject of extensive prior coverage in these pages -- even though he is a mere Tax Court judge, not an Article III deity. (The lavish coverage of Judge Holmes is due in large part to the fact that he clerked for The Easy Rider, A3G's all-time favorite judge.)

Judge Holmes deserves a prize, however, for talking up UTR at the Convention. A reader offers this report: "Long time reader, first time spy here. I thought you might like to know that the topic of your site came up when Professor Volokh [also a former Kozinski clerk] and Judge Holmes talked about Jeopardy! Judge Holmes apparently won $17,000 his one day as champion. Professor Volokh lamented that his younger brother Sasha was unable to buzz in quickly enough and lost on his appearance."

A digression: Although he may not be a Jeopardy! champ, Alexander "Sasha" Volokh, yet another Kozinski clerk, is one of the Elect, a future clerk to Justice O'Connor. The rather cute Sasha (see left) was hired last summer by SOC -- without an interview. "How do you like them apples?"

Notwithstanding his genius, Sasha's clumsiness with the buzzer suggests a troubling lack of manual dexterity. A3G can't help but wonder: "The members of the Elect are all unquestionably brilliant, able to find answers to the thorniest legal questions. But how many of them can find this?" (Warning: Do not click through the immediately preceding link if you're in the office!)

Back to Judge Holmes, our Non-Article III "It" Judge. A3G will share with you one last amusing anecdote about him, and then she will desist from mentioning him for a while. Reader Bill MacDonald, identified by name with his permission, offers this story:

I'm afraid you don't do Judge Mark Holmes enough justice. Not only did he compete on Jeopardy!, he also made a verbal appearance on the very first run of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, back in August of 1999. Knowing of Mark's Jeopardy! prowess, I had asked him to serve as a Phone-a-Friend for me when I was chosen to appear in the second week of the show. When I got to the $250,000 question -- "In Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf, which of the following instruments traditionally portrays the wolf?" -- Mark replied that he thought it was the French horn.

I wanted him to be a little more specific, so I asked him how sure he was, percentage-wise, and he replied "60%" -- thus making him the first Phone-a-Friend ever to express his certainty in percentage terms, a tradition carried on to this very day. And, of course, Mark was right. If only I had listened to him!

Let this be a lesson to all of us: When a federal judge speaks, we must obey! Ignore a federal judge at your peril...

Non-Judicial "It" Boy: Alberto R. Gonzales

Al Gonzales competes -- and prevails -- in this category, for the most buzz-generating of the non-judicial celebrities at the Convention. (Although he still likes to be addressed as "Judge," Gonzales is no longer a judge -- and he won't be, unless and until he makes it to One First Street.) Gonzales attended the Society's "swanky annual dinner" on Thursday night, where his appearance "caused a great stir throughout the ballroom." As he "diligently worked the room," he was followed by "indiscreet whispering and stares"; he was "definitely the center of attention for the evening."

Runner-up: Senator William Frist, M.D., keynote speaker at the annual dinner. Senator Frist (R-TN) spoke on a topic near and dear to A3G's heart: the filibustering of judicial nominees. The text of his remarks is available here (pdf); for additional commentary from people who were there, see, e.g., here, here, and here.

As current Senator Majority Leader and possible future POTUS, Bill Frist is obviously a super-boldface name. But Gonzales produced greater buzz at the Convention than Dr. Frist, because (1) his appearance was "a surprise to many" (unlike Frist's, which was previously announced); and (2) the Convention took place just one day after the President's announcement, on November 10, of Gonzales's nomination as Attorney General. As a result, "[w]herever he went, [Gonzales] was treated like a rock star!"

Most Delicious Diva: Jennifer Cabranes Braceras

A noted lawyer, freelance writer, and member of the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights, the "saucy" Braceras was the Convention's Most Delicious Diva. Despite being the daughter of Second Circuit Judge Jose A. Cabranes, a prominent judicial Democrat, Braceras is an "outspoken conservative" who has publicly professed her "dislike of Al Gore" -- even though her father was near the top of Gore's Supreme Court short-list. (In terms of her own One First Street picks, she supports the kid from Tegucigalpa.) Braceras clerked for a leading conservative jurist, Judge Ralph K. Winter, Jr., one of her father's Second Circuit colleagues.

Braceras was in "top form" at the conference. A reader described Braceras as "a strikingly handsome woman -- think Frida Kahlo without the unibrow." Braceras boasted "an incredible mane of thick, dark, lustrous hair, held back by expensive-looking sunglasses perched on top of her head." Throughout her remarks, "she would flip the aforementioned mane over her left shoulder, in dramatic fashion." Wearing "a red blouse of artfully crumpled fabric," she held forth before a standing-room-only crowd at the panel "Brown and Racial Preferences," which she "thrilled" with her "strong and eloquent" opposition to racial preferences (including her "blunt dismissal of diversity as 'a crock'").

In sum, Braceras "is a magnificent, fiery Latina conservative. She'd be a great addition to the federal bench (assuming she'd be interested in a judicial position). Someone give her a black robe!"

Runner-up: Abigail Thernstrom, Braceras's colleague on the U.S. Commission for Civil Rights. The "ever-feisty" Thernstrom had some choice words for public school math teachers (many of them members of the reviled NEA, no doubt): "They don't know math! They see a fraction and think it's some sort of hieroglyphic!"

Prom King and Queen: Rachel Brand and Jonathan F. Cohn

The "Prom King and Queen" award goes to the Convention's most high-powered "celebrity couple" -- i.e., members of the Elect who are married to or dating one another. Due to the high number of such couples who were present, the category was hotly contested.

After all, the Engels were in the house. So were the "unbelievably well-connected" Jim Ho (CT, OT 2005), a "Federalist Society heavyweight," and his "exceedingly charming" wife, Allyson Newton Ho (SOC, OT 2002).  They were joined by the "manifestly brilliant" Nick Rosenkranz (AMK, OT 2001), a "rock star of legal academia" who published an article in the Harvard Law Review while still a law clerk, accompanied by the "literally breathtaking" Tali Farhadian (SOC, OT 2004). The "exotically beautiful" Farhadian was described by one reader as "a Rhodes Scholar and Supreme Court clerk whose looks can -- and regularly do -- stop traffic." (The picture at left "fails to do justice" to Farhadian, who "in real life resembles Padma Lakshmi," the insanely gorgeous model-actress married to Salman Rushdie.)

Is it possible to prevail against such heady competition? Well, yes -- if you happen to be Rachel Brand (AMK, OT 2002) and Jon Cohn (CT, OT 2000), this year's Prom King and Queen. Brand and Cohn are "an attractive and overachieving couple, if ever there was one," and "they are at the epicenter of conservative legal circles."

At the tender age of 31, the "turbo-charged" Brand has already risen to the high post of Principal Deputy Assistant Attorney General of OLP. She "knows how to work a room like no one else," and she is "incredibly blessed with abundant brains and beauty." As one UTR reader asks, presumably rhetorically, "How many DAAGs do you know with flawless skin? If the 'law' thing doesn't work out for Rachel -- in other words, if she's not a circuit judge by age 35 -- she can go be the next Noxzema girl!"

The "high-powered" Cohn, who is only 32, oversees immigration litigation around the country, as head of the DOJ's Office of Immigration Litigation (OIL). He is "the intellectual equal of Rachel -- and that's saying something!" He is also "quite cute," even if "not as stunningly good-looking as his wife."

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WOW! So there you have it: Part 1 of the Robing Room Report on the 2004 Federalist Fiesta. Article III Groupie has to sit down -- her head is spinning from the intense red carpet action! (It is thus quite fitting that someone recently accessed UTR by running a Google search for Pictures of people fainting from seeing celebrities.)

A3G hopes you enjoyed this admittedly long-winded account of the star-studded proceedings. She promises you the second and final installment of her Convention dispatch, focused on the federal judges in attendance, in the "not-too-distant future" (whatever that means)...

Planning to attend Federalistapalooza 2005 (so don't seat her in Siberia at the dinner!),

Article III Groupie

* Yes, Article III Groupie realizes that the subject of this post is "so last year" -- literally as well as figuratively. Most of the time A3G is grateful for the freedom she enjoys as a blogress, including freedom from editorial interference and artificial deadlines. But freedom can be dangerous for the undisciplined, with dilatory posts like this one as the result...

** Yes, the Chief showed up to the Inauguration in his super-stylish robe with the gold bars. But he was without the handsome headgear sported by some of his colleagues: the famed Supreme Court skullcaps! Click here, for a picture of "The Doge of One First Street," a.k.a. Justice Scalia in his skullcap. The Men Without Hats in the photo are Justices Souter, Thomas, and Stevens; Justice Ginsburg, thanks to her unfortunately oversized sunglasses, resembles a large insect. (As always, thanks to How Appealing for these and many other excellent links.)

*** No, that isn't a parody, frighteningly enough; it's the actual subject of a real-life OLC memo.

**** The "Memogate" scandal also tarnished the reputation of Judge Jay S. Bybee, the AAG of OLC at the time the memo was issued. (Indeed, some to refer to the memo as "the Bybee memo."). But Judge Bybee had his lifetime appointment to the Ninth Circuit firmly in hand by the time "Memogate" erupted. Indeed, because Judge Bybee was already safely ensconced on an Article III court, some have argued that the White House shrewdly "hung him out to dry" -- they made him into the fall guy for the whole scandal, knowing full well that no unfortunate consequences could befall him.

Quiz Show: Judge Michael Chertoff!

Last Tuesday, January 11, President Bush nominated Judge Michael Chertoff, of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit, to join the Cabinet as the next Secretary of Homeland Security. After the spectacular implosion of the nomination of former New York City police commissioner Bernard Kerik, President Bush was clearly looking for a "safe," eminently confirmable pick. And who could be a safer pick than a sitting federal judge? As the readers of UTR know, federal judges are paragons of probity (in contrast to their icky state court counterparts).

Judge Chertoff has made several prior appearances in these pages, and after the announcement of his nomination, numerous visitors accessed UTR seeking information about Judge Chertoff. Consider the following internet searches that brought people to this blog:

--Michael Chertoff personal life
--is michael chertoff married
--michael chertoff wife
--Michael Chertoff gay
--michael chertoff bad judge
--chertoff's clerks
--michael chertoff gremlin
--Michael Chertoff Roman Catholic

Clearly the public has a burning desire to peek beneath the robe of this distinguished jurist! Fortunately for the American people, Article III Groupie has already done some research of her own into the Honorable Mike Chertoff, which she will now share in this post.

Enquiring minds what to know: What's up with Judge Chertoff's personal life? How much is he worth? What does he like to do in his spare time? And are there any skeletons in his closet that could derail his nomination?

To find out the answers to these and other questions, take the "Chertoff Challenge." Welcome to UTR's latest feature (which may or may not become a regular offering, depending on reader response): Quiz Show, trivia questions about your favorite federal judges!

For your entertainment and edification, here are 18 trivia questions about Judge Chertoff. Keep track of how many questions you answer correctly, and see how you measure up using the scale that appears at the end of the quiz. After taking the quiz, you'll know all there is to know about this fabulous judicial celebrity. In reading over the answers that follow each question, you'll also acquire additional nuggets of knowledge about some of his Article III colleagues (both on the Third Circuit and other courts).

Let's get started, shall we?

1. Judge Michael Chertoff was born on November 28, 1953, in Elizabeth, New Jersey. He is the son of:

(a) a real estate developer
(b) a rabbi
(c) an orthopedic surgeon
(d) a waiter
(e) a prostitute

Answer: (b). Judge Chertoff's father was a rabbi; for those of you who ran searches for "michael chertoff roman catholic," the answer is probably "no."

Answer (a) would be correct if we were talking about Judge Chertoff's colleague, Judge Maryanne Trump Barry, the daughter of legendary real estate developer Fred Trump (and the big sister of celebrity developer Donald Trump; presumably she'll be attending her brother's wedding to model Melania Knauss this coming weekend).

Answer (d) would be right if we were discussing another Chertoffian colleague, Judge Theodore A. McKee, whose father was a waiter on the New York Central Railroad (see here). As for (e), it would be correct if we were talking about Bernie Kerik, President Bush's original, scandal-ridden nominee. (Kerik's mama was a ho? Hmm, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...)

2. Judge Chertoff attended:

(a) Harvard College and Harvard Law School
(b) Harvard College and Yale Law School
(c) Princeton College and Harvard Law School
(d) Princeton College and Yale Law School
(e) University of Pennsylvania and Yale Law School

Answer: (a). Judge Chertoff is "double-barreled Crimson," a graduate of Harvard College and Harvard Law School, both magna cum laude. Response (d) is the educational background of Judge Samuel A. Alito, Jr., a bench buddy of Judge Chertoff, and response (e) is that of another colleague, Judge Edward R. Becker.

3. Judge Chertoff was a summer associate at which highly prestigious, but now non-existent, law firm?

(a) Hill & Barlow
(b) Brobeck, Phelger & Harrison
(c) Reboul, MacMurray, Hewitt & Maynard
(d) Miller, Cassidy, Larroca & Lewin

Answer: (d). Miller Cassidy was a small, super-elite Washington litigation boutique that was well-known for its success in many areas, including appellate and Supreme Court litigation, white-collar criminal practice, and constitutional law. In late 2000, Texas mega-firm Baker Botts acquired Miller Cassidy, hoping to "buy its way into a Supreme Court presence" (as explained in this very interesting article by Tony Mauro).

But things didn't work out as Baker Botts hoped. After the acquisition, many of the Elect who worked at Miller Cassidy scattered to the four winds. As noted in Mauro's article, "[Supreme Court superstar Nathan] Lewin did not move to Baker Botts with his firm, opting instead to open his own shop, Lewin & Lewin, with his daughter Alyza. [Former SG Seth] Waxman did not return to his prior home, moving instead to Wilmer, Cutler & Pickering (now Wilmer Cutler Pickering Hale and Dorr). Former William Rehnquist clerk Jody Kris went with Waxman, and former Byron White clerk Scott Nelson went over to Public Citizen Litigation Group."

4. Judge Chertoff clerked for Judge Murray Gurfein (2d Cir.), followed by:

(a) Justice Powell
(b) Justice Brennan
(c) then-Justice Rehnquist
(d) Judge Chertoff never clerked at One First Street, proving that members of the Great Unwashed are capable of having fulfilling legal careers.

Answer: (b). Judge Chertoff clerked for Justice Brennan, which many might find surprising given Judge Chertoff's conservatism. Response (c) is true of the studly Judge John G. Roberts, Jr. (D.C. Cir.). If Judge Chertoff is confirmed and has a successful tenure as DHS Secretary, and if a Supreme Court slot opens up late in President Bush's second term, Judges Chertoff and Roberts could find themselves locked in mortal combat for a berth at One First Street.

As for answer (d) -- don't be ridiculous! That flagrantly false statement was included for comic relief.

5. After his Supreme Court clerkship, Judge Chertoff worked as an associate at which top law firm?

(a) Cravath, Swaine & Moore
(b) Sullivan & Cromwell
(c) Latham & Watkins
(d) Kirkland & Ellis
(e) Jenner & Block

Answer: (c). Judge Chertoff was an associate at Latham from 1980 to 1983. About a decade later -- after working as a federal prosecutor in New York, serving as U.S. Attorney for New Jersey, and serving as Special Counsel to the Whitewater Committee of the Senate -- Judge Chertoff returned to Latham as a partner.

6. From 1983 to 1987, Judge Chertoff worked as an Assistant U.S. Attorney in the U.S. Attorney's Office for the Southern District of New York -- a renowned office, brimming over with legal celebrities in the making (which remains true today). Which of the following individuals was NOT a colleague of Judge Chertoff in the Sovereign District of New York?

(a) former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani
(b) federal judge Barbara S. Jones (S.D.N.Y.)
(c) federal judge (and feeder judge) Pierre N. Leval (2d Cir.)
(d) Wachtell Lipton partner John F. Savarese

Answer: (c). Judge Leval is an alum of the S.D.N.Y., but he worked in the office well before Chertoff's arrival. When Chertoff was an AUSA, Judge Leval was already a district court judge.

Giuliani, Jones, and Savarese all worked with Judge Chertoff in the U.S. Attorney's Office. As noted in this article, Judge Chertoff "had barely finished his first year [as an AUSA] when his supervisor, Barbara S. Jones, now a federal judge, picked him to work on a unique organized crime investigation alongside the head of the office, United States attorney Rudolph W. Giuliani."

John Savarese was also a member of the trial team in what developed into a legendary Mafia prosecution, known as the "Commission" case. Savarese is now a partner at Wachtell Lipton, the super-profitable New York law firm. (He later became famous -- or infamous, according to some -- as Martha Stewart's first, pre-Morvillo lawyer.)

7. In 1987, Judge Chertoff hopped across the river to the U.S. Attorney's Office for the District of New Jersey, to serve as First Assistant in that office. In 1990, at the tender age of 36, he was appointed by the first President Bush (and confirmed by the Senate) to serve as U.S. Attorney for New Jersey, a post he held from 1990 to 1994.

Chertoff personally handled the securities fraud prosecution of Eddie Antar, founder of the "Crazy Eddie" discount electronics store chain. What was the Crazy Eddie motto, featured prominently in its advertising campaigns?

(a) "His prices are INSANE!"
(b) "You'd be CRAZY not to shop here!"
(c) "You've got questions, we've got answers."
(d) "Price, selection, service."
(e) "Imagine that!"

Answer: (a). At the end of Crazy Eddie's ubiquitous TV spots, a manic actor would shout this slogan at the viewer, in rather deranged fashion. Answers (d) and (e) are slogans previously used by electronics retailer Circuit City.

As noted here, at Antar's trial, Judge Chertoff "was known in the Antar corner as 'The Wraith' and 'Count Chertoff,' for the way his long arms raked the floor and for the bruise-colored hollows in his cheeks."

8. As U.S. Attorney for New Jersey, Judge Chertoff oversaw numerous high-profile investigations and prosecutions, including the case of this disgraced public figure:

(a) Thomas J. Whelan, former mayor of Jersey City
(b) James Treffinger, former Republican party official in New Jersey
(c) Sol Wachtler, former Chief Judge of the New York Court of Appeals
(d) James McGreevey, former New Jersey governor and current "gay American"

Answer: (c). Another fine example of an icky state court judge, Sol Wachtler stalked, harassed, and attempted to extort his former mistress, Joy Silverman. His extortion scheme included sending a condom in the mail to Silverman's young daughter. Wachtler pleaded guilty to sending threats through the mail, and he was sentenced to 15 months in prison. Wachtler later wrote a memoir, After the Madness, in which he discussed his time in prison and his struggle with mental illness.

9. In 1994, Judge Chertoff left government and returned to private practice, becoming a partner in the Newark (NJ) office of Latham & Watkins. Starting in 1994, he also served as special counsel to the Republican members of the Senate Whitewater comittee. Judge Chertoff was involved in investigating which of the following scandals that swirled around the Clintons:

(a) the mysterious death of Vince Foster
(b) the mysterious disappearance (and reappearance) of the Rose Law Firm billing records of Hillary Clinton
(c) the mysterious stain on the blue dress of Monica Lewinsky (how on earth did that stain get there?)
(d) scandals (a) and (b), but not (c)
(e) all of the above

Answer: (d). Chertoff was involved in investigating Vince Foster's death and the billing records of Senatrix Clinton, but his Whitewater service concluded in 1996 -- well before the appearance on the scene of the curvaceously alluring Monica Lewinsky, memorably dubbed "the face that launched a thousand subpoenas."

(Coincidentally, UTR sources report that Judge Chertoff -- who is known to have close relationships with his law clerks, frequently going out to lunch with them -- has in his employ a rather attractive young clerk named Monica.)

10. In 2001, after nomination by the President and confirmation by the Senate (by a vote of 95-1), Judge Chertoff assumed the post of Assistant Attorney General of the DOJ's Criminal Division. During his time as head of the Criminal Division, Chertoff was involved in development of the Patriot Act, and he made investigating and prosecuting terrorism cases a priority of the Criminal Division. He earned praise for his hard work, his leadership skills, and his commitment to making terrorism a priority of the Department.

But left-wing critics (and even some right-wing critics) believed that Chertoff went too far in asserting governmental and executive branch authority. Liberals attacked Chertoff as an overzealous prosecutor with insufficient respect for civil liberties, and one pundit bestowed the following sobriquet upon Chertoff:

(a) "The Grim Reaper"
(b) "The Cryptkeeper"
(c) "Ashcroft's Top Gremlin"
(d) "Hector Elizondo with anorexia"
(e) "The Wraith"

Answer: (c). Chertoff's somewhat sepulchral appearance may make answers (a), (b), and (e) appear plausible. Response (d) is not without validity as an observation. Compare Elizondo, at right, with Chertoff, at far right.

The correct choice, however, is (c). In this article, lawyer and writer Elaine Cassel wrote, "[N]ow I have a new gremlin to watch, someone who is as intent on undermining the law and Constitution as Ashcroft. I am referring to the man behind the criminal prosecution of terrorists, Michael Chertoff." Later in the same piece, she described Chertoff as "a scary looking guy if ever there was one" (but one UTR reader begs to differ).

11. In March 2003, Judge Chertoff was nominated by President Bush to the Third Circuit. He was confirmed by the Senate a few short months later, in June 2003, by a vote of 88-1. The one vote against him was cast by:

(a) Senator Biden
(b) Senator Schumer
(c) Senator Leahy
(d) Senatrix Clinton
(e) Senator Kennedy

Answer: (d). Senatrix Clinton voted against Judge Chertoff's appointment to the Third Circuit, and she was also the lone vote against his appointment as AAG. She may still hold a grudge against Judge Chertoff based on his involvement in the Whitewater investigation. As explained here, Senatrix Clinton justified her vote against Judge Chertoff's Third Circuit nomination as "express[ing] her dissatisfaction with his treatment of young members of the White House staff who were called as witnesses when he served as chief counsel to the Senate's investigation of the Whitewater land deal."

After his DHS nomination was announced, Senatrix Clinton issued this diplomatically-worded statement: "The Secretary of Homeland Security plays a very important role in ensuring the security of New York and the nation, which is why I believe that any nomination to such a position merits careful consideration. I look forward to meeting with Judge Chertoff in the very near future to discuss many important issues...." As noted in this article, Senatrix Clinton must handle Chertoff's nomination with care: "Not only is she considering running for President and wary of taking unpopular positions, but she doesn’t want to rile the man who will control New York’s share of anti-terrorism funding, which has been a pet issue of hers."

Answers (a), (b), and (c) are incorrect; as it turns out, Judge Chertoff is on friendly terms with Senators Biden, Schumer, and Leahy.

12. Judge Chertoff's net worth is between:

(a) $500,000 and $1 million
(b) $1 million and $3 million
(c) $3 million and $5 million
(d) over $5 million

Answer: (c). Judge Chertoff has a net worth of $4,520,200. For details, click here; for even more details, in the form of Judge Chertoff's financial disclosure statement, click here (pdf, courtesy of Courting Influence -- a delectable website with a treasure trove of information about President Bush's judicial nominees).

13. What is Judge Chertoff's marital and family status?

(a) married, two children
(b) married, three children
(c) divorced, remarried, two children
(d) divorced, remarried, three children
(e) widower, remarried, one child

Answer: (c), as reported in Judge Chertoff's response to the Senate questionnaire (pdf). Concerning his divorce, Judge Chertoff's response simply states that Judge Chertoff "received a divorce on consent in Superior Court, D.C.," in 1981.

14. What is the occupation of Judge Chertoff's wife?

(a) law librarian
(b) attorney for a lobbying and public relations firm
(c) bond trader
(d) exotic dancer
(e) homemaker

Answer: (b). The high-powered Meryl Chertoff, a Harvard College and Harvard Law School graduate like her husband, is vice-president and legislative counsel for Nancy Becker Associates, a prominent public affairs firm in New Jersey. Answer (a) is true of Judge Alito, whose wife was formerly the law librarian in the U.S. Attorney's Office where he worked. As for (d), if you know of any federal judge married to an exotic dancer, please e-mail A3G immediately.

15. Which of the following quotations was NOT an actual statement made by a friend or former colleague of Judge Chertoff, following the announcement of his nomination as DHS Secretary, explaining the reasons for Judge Chertoff's career move?

(a) "Michael Chertoff is truly a patriot. When the president of the United States asks you to take an important position like this, Michael is the type of person who will say, 'Yes.'"

(b) "I think he [joined the Third Circuit] to get some experience. He would enjoy the work for a time, and then he would do something else."

(c) "I think Michael was hoping something would open up for him. Michael views life as a smorgasbord, or as a series of chapters. He enjoys a position, works hard at it, until he's gotten as much as he can out of it."

(d) "If Mike Chertoff stays on the court, he will always be 'the other white meat' of the Third Circuit -- a second choice for the Supreme Court, waiting in line behind Alito, a New Jersey conservative who has been on the bench for longer. Mike is probably thinking, 'With this job, I can develop a national reputation, leapfrogging Sam Alito and paving the way for my triumphal return to One First Street. MOO-HA-HA!!!'"

Answer: (d). All of the other quotations appear in this profile of Judge Chertoff. While there may be some truth to answer (d) -- it is certainly A3G's own take on the situation -- it is not an actual quotation by a Chertoffian associate.

16. Despite Judge Chertoff's squeaky-clean record and three prior Senate confirmations, which President Bush pointedly noted at the press conference announcing the nomination, Judge Chertoff's confirmation as DHS Secretary could possibly be derailed over:

(a) newly released documents in the John Walker Lindh case that may undermine prior congressional testimony given by Judge Chertoff

(b) alleged misuse of FBI resources during his term as U.S. Attorney for New Jersey

(c) Judge Chertoff's inexcusable and shameful refusal to participate in a "Questions Presented" interview with Article III Groupie for Underneath Their Robes (which he reads regularly and enjoys)

(d) his excessive fraternizing with young and attractive female law clerks (both his own and those of other judges)

(e) responses (a) and (b)

(f) all of the above

Answer: (e). See this article for more details about (a), and this article (by conservative commentator Robert Novak) for more details about (b). A3G will not comment on responses (c) or (d) -- which may or may not have a factual predicate -- except to say that (d), if true, may provide the answer to curious readers who ran "michael chertoff gay" searches on Google. (A3G concedes, however, that the aforementioned clerk hotties could be his hags.)

17. Judge Chertoff enjoys which of the following activities in his spare time?

(a) hiking and karate
(b) scuba diving and snowboarding
(c) running and lifting weights
(d) eating Krispy Kreme donuts
(e) bowling and squash

Answer: (c). Answer (b) is true of Judge Kozinski; keep an eye out for In Camera pictures of him scuba diving with his sons. Answer (d) might be true of Judge Reinhardt, but certainly not of the undernourished Chertoff. 

18. In 2003, Judge Chertoff accepted a gift of two tickets to which of the following events?

(a) a Rolling Stones concert
(b) a Luciano Pavarotti concert
(c) a Shania Twain concert
(d) the Broadway show Avenue Q
(e) the Broadway show Hairspray

Answer: (b). Judge Chertoff accepted two tickets to a Pavarotti concert in Trenton, New Jersey, from one Geoff Berman. For additional information, including disclosure of the other gifts received by Judge Chertoff, see his financial disclosure report (pdf). Judge Chertoff's gifts are few in number and modest in value; perhaps he needs some lessons from Justice Thomas in this department! 

********************

So, how did you do? Giving yourself one point for each correct answer, measure yourself against the following scale:

18: one of the Elect (perfect score required, natch)
16-17: feeder judge clerk
13-15: circuit court clerk
9-12: district court clerk
5-8: state court clerk
0-4: most foul of the Great Unwashed

As you can tell from the foregoing discussion, Judge Michael Chertoff is an amazingly brilliant and talented individual, even by the astronomically high standards of the federal appellate bench. And even though Judge Chertoff is a fairly private person, he can't hide the fact that he's a fun and fascinating individual "underneath his robe." A3G wishes him the best of luck in his quest for Senate confirmation!

Looking for an Anointed multimillionaire of her own,

Article III Groupie

A3G's New Year's Resolution

"She's baaaack..." Yes, Article III Groupie has returned to blogging -- and to her day job -- after a most pleasant extended hiatus. She wishes her readers a very happy new year!

A3G hopes to issue some juicy new posts in the next few days, and she will soon turn her attention to her (dauntingly large) e-mail backlog. If you have e-mailed A3G in the past few weeks and have not received a response, she apologizes for her delay in getting back to you.

In the meantime, A3G has an announcement to make. As you could probably tell, she was suffering from blogger burnout right before she left for vacation. Instead of providing her with pleasure, writing "Underneath Their Robes" had become a source of stress. She felt great pressure to issue enligtening and entertaining posts with regularity and frequency. As a result, blogging began to feel less like a form of leisure and more like a second job (and an unpaid one at that).

And now, the announcement. Article III Groupie has returned from vacation in a refreshed and relaxed state, and she's ready to blog again. But this year she will be spending dramatically less time on her blog (and blog-related e-mail).  The frequency of her posting will drop, perhaps to one post every one or two weeks, and she will not check her UTR e-mail account every day.

There are several reasons for A3G's planned decrease in blogospheric output. First, A3G remains concerned about the problem of blogger burnout. She hopes that by posting and e-mailing less frequently, she can reduce her blog-related stress level, so blogging will feel like a fun and relaxing hobby, not a chore or an obligation. Second, as she moves up the law firm ranks, getting closer and closer to partnership, she needs to devote more time and attention to her legal career. Her performance reviews last year were strong, but she has some worthy competition in her associate class. Third, she has other priorities in her life besides making partner and blogging -- such as exercising, shopping, and finding a hunky boyfriend in time for Valentine's Day.

A3G realizes that some of you will be disappointed to hear this news. But disappointing news, dear readers, is simply a part of life. See, e.g., the Pitt-Aniston break-up. A3G hopes that you will understand her decision, and she asks for your continued support of "Underneath Their Robes," even if she can't devote as much time to it as she once did.

Also resolved to lose five pounds (even though her friends tell her she doesn't need to),

Article III Groupie