Underneath Their Robes

Rule 28(j) letter from the Hot. Alex Kozinski

Pursuant to FRAP 28(j), Judge Alex Kozinski has submitted to UTR a "pertinent and significant authorit[y]" in support of his previously filed self-nomination as a federal judicial superhottie. Article III Groupie has added this new material to the original post, but it is simply too wonderful not to highlight separately. It is the video clip of Judge Kozinski's appearance on the Dating Game, originally aired on Thanksgiving Day, 1968! You can watch on YouTube, or you can download your own copy by clicking here (Real Player required).

Speaking of thanksgiving, Article III Groupie extends her heartfelt gratitude to Judge Kozinski for this delightful gift. She passes it along to her readers with her highest recommendation!

Infatuated with AK,

Article III Groupie

P.S. Article III Groupie does not want to skew the voting in the Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary contest, which will start at some point after the July 4th holiday weekend, following the release of the full slate of nominees. After watching the video, however, she can't help observing: Back in the day, Judge Kozinski was quite a cutie! (But his kissing technique, while certainly enthusiastic, may leave something to be desired.)

P.P.S. Yes, Bachelor #1 is David L. Lander, a.k.a. "Squiggy," of Laverne & Shirley fame.

Amended Opinions: UTR Corrections

Despite her encyclopedic knowledge of luxury hotels and her unimpeachable sense of style, Article III Groupie is not perfect. Sometimes she makes mistakes (although not in the coordination of shoes and accessories, nor in the evaluation of Right-Wing Judicial Divas). Most errors in the pages of UTR she corrects quietly, through unheralded amendments to the original post. Indeed, Article III Groupie, a compulsive editor, frequently amends posts after the fact, to fix minor typographical mistakes, improve her word choice, add new links or pictures, etc. (Given the frequency of such changes, those of you who receive UTR over an RSS feed would be well-advised to direct your RSS reader not to treat modified posts as new.)

Some boo-boos, however, are significant enough that Article III Groupie feels they should be drawn to the attention of her readership in a separate corrections column. She therefore brings you Amended Opinions: UTR Corrections. Article III Groupie is a big girl, and she owns up to her mistakes!

In the original version of this post, in the Justice Is Blind category, UTR identified the first unnamed judge referred to in Mark Costello's cover story for the New York Times Magazine as Judge Harold A. Ackerman. A UTR reader questioned this identification, which triggered an investigation. UTR has now concluded that the judge being referred to is in fact Judge Alfred J. Lechner, Jr., not Judge Ackerman. (The original post has been revised accordingly.)

Like the judge described in Costello's article, Judge Ackerman can be a tough sentencer. But the judicial temperament of the judge in question is far more consistent with that of Judge Lechner, also known to get medieval on defendant ass. Judge Lechner has been known for firing his clerks, heaping verbal abuse upon lawyers from the bench, and generally making his courtroom a living hell for those who appear before him.

Thankfully for the federal bar in the state of New Jersey, Judge Lechner is now ex-Judge Lechner. Mr. Congeniality resigned from the Article III bench on October 1, 2001, enraged after learning that he was not going to be elevated to the Third Circuit. (The White House counsel's office decided not to nominate Judge Lechner after concluding that he belonged in psychotherapy and anger management classes, not on a federal appeals court.) Now, instead of torturing litigants and law clerks, You-Can-Call-Me-Al Lechner can abuse associates, as a partner at Morgan, Lewis & Bockius. (Do not be misled by his cheerful, almost cherubic appearance in this picture on the Morgan Lewis website; Alfred J. Lechner is not a shiny happy person!)

Article III Groupie regrets the error. She thanks the reader who drew this mistake to her attention, as well as the other sources who cooperated in her investigation.

Reversed and remanded,

Article III Groupie

(Image credits: APerfectWorld.org.)

UTR Discovery Request: GUIDO

Most of what appears in the pages of UTR is submitted sua sponte to Article III Groupie by her readers. But occasionally Article III Groupie will request information and tips on specified subjects through posts in this category, UTR Discovery Requests: Seeking Sneak Peaks Under the Robes. (Article III Groupie spends thousands of hours a year reviewing discovery produced by opposing counsel, but UTR discovery requests are the only ones she actually enjoys receiving responses to.)

To those UTR readers who are getting Ninth Circuit fatigue, or who think that Article III Groupie is playing favorites in the East Coast-West Coast rivalry, you're in luck. Placing a northeastern judge squarely in her cross hairs, Article III Groupie hereby solicits news and gossip from her readers about UTR's next hapless victim: GUIDO, a.k.a. the Honorable Guido Calabresi of the Second Circuit, the highly prestigious, New York-based appeals court.

Article III Groupie is currently working on a special report tentatively titled Kiss Me, Guido. "Kiss Me, Guido" will begin by analyzing the scandal arising out of Guido's recent, ill-considered, and downright disastrous remarks about President Bush (a scandal hereinafter referred to as "Guidogate"). The post will then use Guidogate as the springboard for a probing psychological profile of this jurist--one of the most fabulous, flawed, and fascinating figures in the entire federal judiciary!

If you are cackling in delirious anticipation of what UTR has in store for you, well, cackle away! Article III Groupie promises you that "Kiss Me, Guido" will be as delectable as the beef cheek ravioli with crushed squab liver served at New York's Babbo restaurant. (This report will, among other things, introduce you to an important addition to the lexicon of Supreme Court clerkship feeding: the Big Pimpin' Feeder Judge.)

But Article III Groupie needs your help. She already has a significant amount of material about Guido, but she wants more--as much as she can get her hands on. Please e-mail her with any information, gossip, or humorous anecdotes about Guido, on an expedited basis. Grazie!

Looking forward to eating Italian,

Article III Groupie

(Photo credit: Yale Law School bulletin.)

Win A Date With... One of the Elect!

Inspired by the highly entertaining and grossly underrated movie Win A Date With Tad Hamilton!, UTR brings you its latest contest: Win A Date With One of the Elect! (For those of you who are new to UTR, "the Elect" or "the Anointed" is UTR-speak for Supreme Court clerks. For more detailed discussion, replete with howls of lamentation, please see this post.)

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Here's how the contest will work:

1. Single members of the Elect of either gender will submit, by e-mail, flattering pictures and witty descriptions of themselves, in the style of a personal ad. (Please keep descriptions under 250 words, and please include all relevant personal data, including what city you live in, your height and weight, your hair and eye color, your hobbies and interests, etc.)

2. Article III Groupie will review the submissions and post the profiles of selected members of the Elect on UTR for open bidding. Think of it as E-Bay for the E-lect! (The timetable for the posting of profiles and the number of profiles to be posted have not yet been established; much will depend upon the level of reader response.)

3. During the bidding period (again, dates to be determined), members of the Great Unwashed (i.e., the non-Anointed) will submit, by e-mail, bids for a date with the member of the Elect in whom they are interested. A "bid" constitutes a promise by the bidder to donate the bid amount to that most worthy cause, the Supreme Court Historical Society. Bids will be blind, so please submit your very best offer. Also, please note that the bidding process is not open to members of the Elect. Article III Groupie is sick and tired of you people marrying each other--try dating a commoner for once!

4. After the close of the bidding period, Article III Groupie will announce the winners of the bidding and which member of the Elect each winner gets to take out on a date. The winner is entitled to go on one (1) date with the member of the Elect that he or she has "won." Winning bidders and members of the Elect will be put in touch with each other by Article III Groupie.

A few more rules:

--The winner shall pay for all costs of the date, including transportation of either or both parties to the date as necessary; none of these costs shall be borne by UTR or Article III Groupie.

--The member of the Elect, in order to verify that the winning bidder has in fact donated the bid amount to the Supreme Court Historical Society, has the right to request written confirmation of the donation at the start of the date (e.g., a canceled check, a credit card statement, or a letter from the Society confirming the gift).

--All participants in "Win A Date With One of the Elect" (hereinafter, "the Contest"), by participating in the Contest, do hereby release, waive, and discharge Underneath Their Robes or Article III Groupie from liability from any and all claims resulting in personal injury, accidents or illnesses (including death or food poisoning), and property loss arising from, but not limited to, participation in the Contest. (In other words, if either the winning bidder or the member of the Elect turns out to be a crazy stalker--well, it's not Article III Groupie's fault!)

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If you're a member of the Elect, you're probably asking yourself: Given my high station, why should I degrade myself by applying to become an internet chattel? Article III Groupie offers you at least three reasons: (1) it's for a good cause; (2) UTR is now a respectable blog, approved by none other than Judge Kozinski; and (3) who knows--you might actually find true love! Even if you don't hit it off with the bidder who "wins" you, your picture and profile will be disseminated to UTR's mass audience; some of these readers may find you appealing and then contact you sua sponte. (UTR will provide your contact information to the winning bidder only, of course. But with Martindale-Hubbell, Google, Lexis-Nexis, etc., you are probably not too difficult to track down.)

If you're a member of the Great Unwashed, you're probably asking yourself: How much of my next paycheck can I afford to spend on the incredible opportunity to date a legal professional demi-god or goddess?

AFFIRMED! This happy couple met through UTR's dating service. Watch his right hand as it slips underneath her robes...

(Photo credit: Pics4learning.com.)


Article III Groupie is very interested in whether this project will fly. If it succeeds, who knows what might come next--Win A Date With a Federal Judge? It isn't as far-fetched as it sounds; after all, as Judge Alex Kozinski notes in his hilarious letter to Article III Groupie, he has been a contestant on the Dating Game--twice! (He was not, however, a federal judge at the time of his participation. To watch a supremely entertaining video clip from the show, click here.) And astronomical sums could surely be raised by auctioning off dates with any one of the three Right-Wing Judicial Divas.

So please, all you single members of the Elect out there: Help out the Supreme Court Historical Society, as well as all those lonely hearts out there among the Great Unwashed, and submit your application materials with all deliberate speed!

Going, going, gone,

Article III Groupie

(Image credits: APerfectWorld.org.)

Courthouse Forum: The Hot. Alex Kozinski

With a nod to Penthouse Forum, UTR brings you Courthouse Forum: Letters to Article III Groupie. As you know, reader correspondence is critical to UTR's mission of delivering its readers the juiciest federal judicial gossip, thereby allowing them to peek "underneath the robes" of our federal judges. As a general matter, Article III Groupie reviews the many letters submitted by her readers, makes judgment calls, and then publishes what she feels like publishing. Most of the time, Article III Groupie publishes only excerpts or fragments from reader letters. But some pieces of correspondence are so sizzling and so scrumptious that not publishing them in their entirety would be a miscarriage of justice. Hence the need for Courthouse Forum, where reader correspondence will be published in unredacted form. UTR believes these letters will be as stimulating to connoisseurs of federal judicial gossip as Penthouse Forum is to those who appreciate erotica. "Judge, is that a gavel underneath your robe, or are you just happy to see me?"

The first letter being published in Courthouse Forum is from one of the brightest superstars in the federal judicial firmament, an Article III celebrity of Tom Cruise-esque proportions, who has already made multiple apperances in these hallowed pages: Judge Alex Kozinski of the Ninth Circuit (shown at right handing down the court's decision in the recall election case). In case you're wondering, this is an actual letter from Judge Kozinski, and Article III Groupie practically peed in her (very expensive) La Perla Black Label panties upon receiving it. Below please find the full text of AK's missive. Enjoy!

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Dear A3G:

I must say that I'm severely disappointed in the slate of candidates you have fielded for your Judicial Hottie contest. While I think the list of female candidates is excellent, the list of male candidates is, frankly, lacking. And what it's lacking is me.

Sure, John Roberts and Jeff Sutton are young and extremely handsome, but so what? I have it on very good authority that discerning females and gay men find graying, pudgy, middle-aged men with an accent close to Gov. Schwarzenegger's almost totally irresistible.

So I nominate myself.

Yes, I know, the nomination period ostensibly ended [on Friday, June 18], but my nomination falls within the penumbra of the rule, so I say it's timely. You will doubtless find any number of opinions written by me that say filing periods must be strictly construed, but I was writing for the Ninth Circuit, and you know what that means.

Here are the arguments in support of my nomination:

* I am the only Article III judge to have appeared on the Dating Game--and I was on twice. I even won once, and I have the tape to prove it.

* I had my own photo-spread in George Magazine, with lots of sexy pictures of me jumping. This was a few years back, but I've only gotten cuter with age.

* I also had a photo-spread in Snow Country Magazine, mostly pictures of me snowboarding. I am, in fact, an authority on snowboarding, as the attached article will prove. And snowboarders are, by definition, hotties.

* I recently co-presided at a very swank wedding at the Larchmont Yacht Club--a club so exclusive it probably wouldn't admit me as a member--which was reported in the New York Times and discussed in great detail on a very prestigious weblog.

* I wrote the screenplay for the blockbuster Schwarzenegger movie, Total Recall. Well, not really, but I came mighty close. (Read esp. pp. 1301-02, but the whole thing is worth a read if you can bill it to a client.)

* I was a recent cover boy for Legal Affairs Magazine. [Ed. note: Click on the link, then click on the thumbnail for a larger view of this delightful photo. Judge Kozinski is ready for his close-up!]

* I cut a dashing figure in court.

* I often hang out with that other judicial babe magnet, Stephen Reinhardt:

(I'm the one with the goofy sweater and the suave pocket pen.)

* I bear an uncanny resemblance to Moses, of Old Testament fame. [Ed. note: Don't miss out--click on the link to see Helmut Newton's "celebrity portrait" of Judge Kozinski!]

* I have my own fan web page.

* I write a mean dissent.

* I bungee jump. [Ed. note: Click on the link to play this very fun little video clip--and make sure your sound is turned on!]

* I recently played a key supporting role in the 20-minute short Inside Story, directed by my son Yale Kozinski, written and produced by former Kozinski clerk Leslie Hakala, and featuring former Kozinski clerks Tara Kole, Troy Foster, Chris Newman, Leslie Hakala and Theane Evangelis. [Ed. note: Like Judge Kozinski, Hakala, Kole, and Evangelis are all members of the Elect--a term first explained here.]

If you can provide me with a name and address (it could be of a friend, so as not to reveal your identity), I'd happily send you an autographed DVD of Inside Story--the sad tale of an 8th-year associate (Tara) who gets hoodwinked by a slick (but sexy) operator (Troy) into revealing securities secrets, thereby getting fired by the Big Cheese Partner (me). Believe you me, you don't want to pass up the chance to have your very own (autographed) copy of this as yet undiscovered art treasure, which (unfortunately) I must condition on your waiving the rules a teensy-weensy bit by adding my name to the list of nominees.

I could say a lot more, but it would probably compromise my chances for elevation.

I know that that the voting is already well underway, so that adding my name to the list will put me at a disadvantage in collecting votes, yet somehow I feel that if I can make it onto the list, even at this late date, I might still have a chance, if only a small one, of being selected as among the top 3 male judicial super-hotties.

I anxiously await your response.

Ciao. AK

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How can Article III Groupie refuse such a brilliant and hilarious prayer for relief? Petition granted! And so the Hot. Alex Kozinski (9th Cir.) joins the ranks of the nominees for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary!

The extension of the nomination period beyond June 18 (as explained in this post) has produced, in addition to Judge Kozinski, a few other worthy nominees, so Article III Groupie is actually glad that things worked out this way. Nominations will continue to be accepted until 11:59 p.m. on Friday, July 2, 2004. So if you have any other nominations, don't delay. Please send them by e-mail to me, Article III Groupie, in timely fashion!

Swooning like a schoolgirl from her brush with judicial celebrity,

Article III Groupie

(Photo credits: Alex.Kozinski.com. Image credits: APerfectWorld.org.)