"Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!" Are you stumped when it comes to your Christmas shopping this year? Well, have no fear -- Article III Groupie is here, her stocking overflowing with brilliant gift ideas!
Article III Groupie has previously shared with you her ideas for gifts that you can give to your favorite federal judges. Back in this post, A3G analyzed the Amazon.com "wish lists" of various federal judges, to see what judicial celebrities enjoy reading, listening to, and watching in their spare time.*
But what if you need a gift for a mere mortal, rather than a federal judicial deity? In honor of the 12 days of Christmas, Santa Groupie offers you these 12 great gift ideas, which are sure to appeal to the "Article III groupie" in all of you!
1. "On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... a computer built by Judge Kozinski!"
Yes, the polymathic Judge Alex Kozinski (9th Cir.) enjoys building computers in his spare time. Other Kozinski-related gift ideas include snowboarding lessons with the #1 Male Superhottie and chickens lovingly raised by The Easy Rider and his wife, Marcy Tiffany.
2. Sex and Reason by Judge Richard Posner (7th Cir.).
Many members of our learned federal bench are published authors, penning scholarly tomes about such thrilling topics as federal jurisdiction and tort law. But how many federal judges have written about SEX?
A3G has not yet had the pleasure of reading Sex and Reason, but it sounds positively orgasmic. As noted in this profile (pdf) of Judge Posner by Larissa MacFarquhar of the New Yorker, Judge Posner speculates in the book "that high heels were considered sexy because they suggested that a woman was incapable of running away from her spouse."
Clearly Judge Posner has never seen Article III Groupie booking it in her Manolos! Unlike so many of her contemporaries, A3G knows how to walk quickly -- and gracefully -- in high-heeled shoes. She was brought up by her mother to walk in heels from an early age; her mother taught her that a woman who can't walk well in heels is no woman at all.
Most women of A3G's generation are woefully inept at walking in heels. These women -- or, more accurately, girls -- wobble and teeter across boardrooms and ballrooms around the country. They wear their awkwardness in high heels as a badge of honor, a sign of their feminist "liberation" from the oppressions of fashion. They are an embarrassment to the fairer sex.
Now, before all of you heel-haters out there start flaming her, fisking her (God that sounds dirty), and speculating that she is really a man, A3G would like to state a few things for the record. Yes, she agrees that heels can be a royal pain sometimes. And no, A3G doesn't wear them all the time, nor does she wear them "for fun." But at least she knows how to wear them when she has to, unlike so many women her age...
3. A pastoral painting by Judge Faith S. Hochberg (D.N.J.).
As the artist biography on her website explains, "Faith Hochberg cannot remember a time in her life when she did not use color to create. An experience as simple and mundane as a ride down the road is for her a kaleidescope of colorful images and shapes."
Hmm... Does Judge Hochberg use color when "creat[ing]" judicial opinions for the pages of F. Supp. 2d? And how can an experience "as simple and mundane as [deciding cross-motions for summary judgment in an insurance coverage dispute brought in diversity]" be transformed into "a kaleidescope of colorful images and shapes?"
4. A CD of the opera "Rain," composed by Judge Richard Owen (S.D.N.Y.).
Judge Owen has composed no fewer than eight operas, all of which have been produced. "Rain," his newest work, had its world premiere last year in New York, at Lincoln Center's Alice Tully Hall (see here). This interview contains the following amusing anecdote about how Judge Owen's musical background came in handy in high-profile litigation involving George Harrison of The Beatles:
Harrison was sued for plagiarism because his hit song ‘My Sweet Lord’ seemed to have an identical melody to ‘He's So Fine’, a single recorded by The Chiffons. Owen's musical inclinations played a large part in this case. “Perhaps being a musical judge I recognized that the music was the same and the themes were identical musically.... My finding was that this was subconscious plagiarism. He was looking for a second theme and they were in a recording session and it just popped out. I felt that the lawyers weren’t asking the right questions so I came in one day and George Harrison and I sang to each other in the courtroom. And I asked him where he got this theme and that and the other. The transcript read, ‘Judge sings,’ ‘witness sings,’ ‘judge sings,’ etc. We had a very nice time.”
Judge Owen's wife, Lynn Owen, is literally a "judicial diva" -- she is an opera star who has performed in seven of Judge Owen's operas, including his first, "Dismissed with Prejudice."
5. A collection of the recipes of Judge Marjorie O. Rendell (3d Cir.).
Judge Rendell is the First Lady of Pennsylvania, the wife of Governor Edward G. Rendell. Her superhottie nomination blurb (female hottie #7) offers the following commentary: "By day, Judge Marjorie O. Rendell of the Third Circuit develops groundbreaking precedents affecting fundamental constitutional rights. By night, First Lady 'Midge' Rendell of the Governor's Mansion develops... recipes!"
6. Judge Dave and the Rainbow People by Judge David B. Sentelle (D.C. Cir.).
This memoir, praised by Tony Mauro as "a riveting, funny, footnote-free book," has been described by one reader as Judge Sentelle's account of "the time he oversaw the peaceful assembly of thousands of middle-aged hippies in the woods of North Carolina.... [It] is an endearing account of how a conservative judge faced 15,000 decadent hippies (and at least one elephant), the ACLU, snarky law clerks, a ticking clock, and his own Senate confirmation to the D.C. Circuit in the background, and still managed to avoid catastrophe by avoiding a ruling on the law."
Judge Sentelle is also a published fiction writer; look for his short stories under the pseudonym of Clyde Haywood.
7. A football autographed by Judge Morrison C. England, Jr. (E.D. Cal.), who played professional football for the New York Jets, or Judge Martin J. Jenkins (N.D. Cal.), who played for the Seattle Seahawks.
And now, an aside on Judge England. After Judge England's prior appearance in these pages, a Sacramento-based reader wrote in to rave about Judge England: "Judge England is a black, moderate Republican, who is very well regarded by all the lawyers and judges I know. He is congenial, reasonable, intelligent, and firm. Rather than being the least common denominator to be selected by a judicial selection committee divided 50/50 on partisan lines, he represents a great example of what reasonable people of differing political philosophies can do when they set their minds to doing something of which they can all be proud."
8. Bridge Conventions Complete by Judge Amalya L. Kearse (2d Cir.).
In addition to being a distinguished member of the Second Circuit, Judge Kearse -- a world-class bridge player -- is a member of the Hall of Fame of the American Contract Bridge League. In between writing opinions and winning "rubbers," Judge Kearse has also found the time to write multiple books about bridge, including Bridge Conventions Complete, described as "a cornerstone for the serious bridge library."
9. Several hours of flight time in the private jet of Judge Karen J. Williams (4th Cir.).
As previously noted in these pages (see female hottie #8), Judge Williams, a wealthy and elegant Southern belle, has a private plane.
10. The CD Michael, Row the Boat Ashore: The Best of the Highwaymen.
This is a "greatest hits" collection of The Highwaymen, the hit folk music group that counted among its members a pre-robescent Stephen S. Trott (9th Cir.). Judge Trott may therefore be the only federal judge who has had real groupies (as opposed to pseudo-groupies like your undersigned scribe).
11. Front-row tickets to a federal judicial spelling bee, pitting Judge Bruce M. Selya (1st Cir.) against Judge Ferdinand F. Fernandez (9th Cir.) in the final round.
Oops, sorry, this item doesn't exist! But wouldn't it be cool if someone were to organize such an event, perhaps as a fundraiser for a worthy cause?
12. Finally, for someone that you really don't like very much, but have to give something to out of obligation, give them a cheap gift: a state court judge!
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Well, wasn't that enlightening? Federal judges are a diverse, fascinating, and fabulous group of people, with talents, interests and accomplishments that go well beyond the courthouse doors.
In a recent opinion discussed here by How Appealing, Judge Andrew J. Kleinfeld (9th Cir.) wrote, "Judges are drawn from a particularly well behaved group of people of limited experience." While this is arguably true as a general matter, it's nice to know, as the foregoing gift list demonstrates, that there are some notable exceptions to this rule.
As previously announced, A3G will be taking a little vacation. Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
Waiting for Santa to stuff her stocking,
*Many of these "wish lists" have changed since the time the original post was issued, perhaps because judges removed items from their wish lists out of embarrassment. You can, however, get a sense of what the lists originally contained from the text and links following each entry.
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