Underneath Their Robes

Judicial SIGHT-ations: SDO Watching B-Ball?

Right now some of you may be wondering, as you might with respect to Carmen Sandiego, "Where in the world is Article III Groupie?"

Well, A3G's life -- including her fragile psyche -- is pretty much an open book here at UTR. But a girl must have some secrets, no? Suffice it to say that she's enjoying her vacation, especially the chance to read things other than Westlaw print-outs. She recently finished The Devil Wears Prada, which she recommends to you all. It's not exactly a literary masterpiece, but it's a great guilty pleasure, full of fashion world gossip and shameless label-dropping. She will next be turning her attention to Tom Wolfe's latest opus, I Am Article III Groupie, er, I Am Charlotte Simmons.

Despite the many demands of her vacation schedule, A3G has found a little spare time for blogging (although she will not be e-mailing during this time, as noted here). With apologies for the lack of graphics and the many missing hyperlinks, she now offers you a few judicial celebrity sightings, to tide you over until her full-blown return to the blogosphere:

First, one UTR reader offers this judicial sight-ation:

I thought you might be interested in hearing about Yale Law's moot court finals, which took place on [the afternoon of Monday, December 13]. Three circuit judges presided -- Chief Judge Carolyn King of the Fifth Circuit, Judge Guy Cole of the Sixth Circuit, and Judge Paul Niemeyer of the Fourth Circuit -- and two more were in attendance, Judge Thomas Reavley (husband of Chief Judge King, also on the Fifth Circuit) and Judge Guido Calabresi (whom you know and love).

The finalists were arguing McCreary County v. ACLU, involving the constitutionality of a courthouse Ten Commandments display surrounded by various historical documents such as the Bill of Rights and Magna Carta. The two finalists arguing for Petitioners (the Kentucky counties that posted the Commandments) were Josh Block, a 3L, and Nick Stephanopoulos, a 2L. The two finalists arguing for Respondent (the ACLU) were Rebecca Smullin and Matt Spence, both 2Ls.

Of the presiding judges, Niemeyer asked the most (and the most pointed) questions, including one elaborate hypothetical involving a display of the Declaration of the Independence that everyone knew to be religiously motivated. Chief Judge King made several funny comments in defense of confusing Supreme Court precedents. And Cole asked more philosophical questions about the workability of different Establishment Clause standards.

It was a great event in front of a packed auditorium -- and one that I'm sure you would find interesting, given that five circuit court judges were in attendance.

A3G thanks her correspondent for this sight-ation. She does, however, have an unanswered question she'd like to pose: Why does Harvard Law School always get the biggest judicial superstars for its moot court final round?

As you may recall, UTR reported on the Ames Moot Court finals up at Harvard back in this post. Despite Yale's status as the most selective law school in the country, as well as its #1 U.S. News ranking (you can debate amongst yourselves how much that's worth), the moot court finals at Harvard regularly attract greater judicial celebrities than those of any other law school, including Yale. Supreme Court justices are regular fixtures at the Ames Moot Court finals. Why is that? What special inducements do the organziers of the Ames Moot Court competition offer to the justices? (If we were talking about Stanford Law School, of course, one could imagine the male justices being offered an intimate dinner with Stanford grad Chrstina Schultz, a.k.a. "Brazil," after the competition.)

Second, for those of you who are thinking, "Enough of judges being 'spotted' at moot court finals, speeches, etc.," here's a celebrity sighting you're sure to enjoy. A UTR reader who follows sports -- yes, there are a handful of you out there -- submitted this delicious tidbit:

Not a personal [sight-ation], but it's good nonetheless. In a recap of last night's Phoenix Suns-Utah Jazz game, ESPN notes the following (at the bottom of the page, under "Game Notes"): "U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who grew up in Arizona, was seated at courtside."

Of course, in addition to growing up in Arizona, the Justice practiced law, legislated, and sat on the bench there from 1958 until her ascension in 1981, but there's no reason for ESPN to know that. I wonder what the Justice snacks on at a basketball game...

SDO watching b-ball? This might strike many as surprising; she is, after all, a federal judicial goddess and one of the most powerful women in the world. But let's not forget that the athletic Justice O'Connor, leader of the morning aerobics sessions at One First Street, likes to present herself as an ordinary gal who grew up on a ranch.

This may be more than just a public relations facade. Various UTR readers who have met Justice O'Connor report that she appears to be surprisingly down-to-earth and possessed of a good sense of humor. Another UTR reader offers this anecdote:

Several years ago, Sandra Day O’Connor was commencement speaker at Washington College of Law, American University.  The University’s president, Dr. Benjamin Ladner, attended, in his academic robes and wearing his special necklace.  To add an imperial tone to his presidency, he had several medallions struck, each depicting one of the colleges or schools of the University.  Chained together, the medallions would do a biker chick very proud at a Harley fest.

Justice O’Connor, who is a little taller than the Prez, gravely shook his hand and inquired about the necklace. On hearing its significance, she said archly, “Do you wear that around the house to get a little extra respect?”

[Insert witty sign-off here],

Article III Groupie

The Twelve Days of Christmas: UTR Holiday Gift Ideas!

"Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!" Are you stumped when it comes to your Christmas shopping this year? Well, have no fear -- Article III Groupie is here, her stocking overflowing with brilliant gift ideas!

Article III Groupie has previously shared with you her ideas for gifts that you can give to your favorite federal judges. Back in this post, A3G analyzed the Amazon.com "wish lists" of various federal judges, to see what judicial celebrities enjoy reading, listening to, and watching in their spare time.*

But what if you need a gift for a mere mortal, rather than a federal judicial deity? In honor of the 12 days of Christmas, Santa Groupie offers you these 12 great gift ideas, which are sure to appeal to the "Article III groupie" in all of you!

1. "On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... a computer built by Judge Kozinski!"

Yes, the polymathic Judge Alex Kozinski (9th Cir.) enjoys building computers in his spare time. Other Kozinski-related gift ideas include snowboarding lessons with the #1 Male Superhottie and chickens lovingly raised by The Easy Rider and his wife, Marcy Tiffany.

2. Sex and Reason by Judge Richard Posner (7th Cir.).

Many members of our learned federal bench are published authors, penning scholarly tomes about such thrilling topics as federal jurisdiction and tort law. But how many federal judges have written about SEX?

A3G has not yet had the pleasure of reading Sex and Reason, but it sounds positively orgasmic. As noted in this profile (pdf) of Judge Posner by Larissa MacFarquhar of the New Yorker, Judge Posner speculates in the book "that high heels were considered sexy because they suggested that a woman was incapable of running away from her spouse."

Clearly Judge Posner has never seen Article III Groupie booking it in her Manolos! Unlike so many of her contemporaries, A3G knows how to walk quickly -- and gracefully -- in high-heeled shoes. She was brought up by her mother to walk in heels from an early age; her mother taught her that a woman who can't walk well in heels is no woman at all.

Most women of A3G's generation are woefully inept at walking in heels. These women -- or, more accurately, girls -- wobble and teeter across boardrooms and ballrooms around the country. They wear their awkwardness in high heels as a badge of honor, a sign of their feminist "liberation" from the oppressions of fashion. They are an embarrassment to the fairer sex.

Now, before all of you heel-haters out there start flaming her, fisking her (God that sounds dirty), and speculating that she is really a man, A3G would like to state a few things for the record. Yes, she agrees that heels can be a royal pain sometimes. And no, A3G doesn't wear them all the time, nor does she wear them "for fun." But at least she knows how to wear them when she has to, unlike so many women her age...

3. A pastoral painting by Judge Faith S. Hochberg (D.N.J.).

As the artist biography on her website explains, "Faith Hochberg cannot remember a time in her life when she did not use color to create. An experience as simple and mundane as a ride down the road is for her a kaleidescope of colorful images and shapes."

Hmm... Does Judge Hochberg use color when "creat[ing]" judicial opinions for the pages of F. Supp. 2d? And how can an experience "as simple and mundane as [deciding cross-motions for summary judgment in an insurance coverage dispute brought in diversity]" be transformed into "a kaleidescope of colorful images and shapes?"

4. A CD of the opera "Rain," composed by Judge Richard Owen (S.D.N.Y.).

Judge Owen has composed no fewer than eight operas, all of which have been produced. "Rain," his newest work, had its world premiere last year in New York, at Lincoln Center's Alice Tully Hall (see here). This interview contains the following amusing anecdote about how Judge Owen's musical background came in handy in high-profile litigation involving George Harrison of The Beatles:

Harrison was sued for plagiarism because his hit song ‘My Sweet Lord’ seemed to have an identical melody to ‘He's So Fine’, a single recorded by The Chiffons. Owen's musical inclinations played a large part in this case. “Perhaps being a musical judge I recognized that the music was the same and the themes were identical musically.... My finding was that this was subconscious plagiarism. He was looking for a second theme and they were in a recording session and it just popped out. I felt that the lawyers weren’t asking the right questions so I came in one day and George Harrison and I sang to each other in the courtroom. And I asked him where he got this theme and that and the other. The transcript read, ‘Judge sings,’ ‘witness sings,’ ‘judge sings,’ etc. We had a very nice time.”

Judge Owen's wife, Lynn Owen, is literally a "judicial diva" -- she is an opera star who has performed in seven of Judge Owen's operas, including his first, "Dismissed with Prejudice."

5. A collection of the recipes of Judge Marjorie O. Rendell (3d Cir.).

Judge Rendell is the First Lady of Pennsylvania, the wife of Governor Edward G. Rendell. Her superhottie nomination blurb (female hottie #7) offers the following commentary: "By day, Judge Marjorie O. Rendell of the Third Circuit develops groundbreaking precedents affecting fundamental constitutional rights. By night, First Lady 'Midge' Rendell of the Governor's Mansion develops... recipes!"

6. Judge Dave and the Rainbow People by Judge David B. Sentelle (D.C. Cir.).

This memoir, praised by Tony Mauro as "a riveting, funny, footnote-free book," has been described by one reader as Judge Sentelle's account of "the time he oversaw the peaceful assembly of thousands of middle-aged hippies in the woods of North Carolina.... [It] is an endearing account of how a conservative judge faced 15,000 decadent hippies (and at least one elephant), the ACLU, snarky law clerks, a ticking clock, and his own Senate confirmation to the D.C. Circuit in the background, and still managed to avoid catastrophe by avoiding a ruling on the law."

Judge Sentelle is also a published fiction writer; look for his short stories under the pseudonym of Clyde Haywood.

7. A football autographed by Judge Morrison C. England, Jr. (E.D. Cal.), who played professional football for the New York Jets, or Judge Martin J. Jenkins (N.D. Cal.), who played for the Seattle Seahawks.

And now, an aside on Judge England. After Judge England's prior appearance in these pages, a Sacramento-based reader wrote in to rave about Judge England: "Judge England is a black, moderate Republican, who is very well regarded by all the lawyers and judges I know. He is congenial, reasonable, intelligent, and firm. Rather than being the least common denominator to be selected by a judicial selection committee divided 50/50 on partisan lines, he represents a great example of what reasonable people of differing political philosophies can do when they set their minds to doing something of which they can all be proud."

8. Bridge Conventions Complete by Judge Amalya L. Kearse (2d Cir.).

In addition to being a distinguished member of the Second Circuit, Judge Kearse -- a world-class bridge player -- is a member of the Hall of Fame of the American Contract Bridge League. In between writing opinions and winning "rubbers," Judge Kearse has also found the time to write multiple books about bridge, including Bridge Conventions Complete, described as "a cornerstone for the serious bridge library."

9. Several hours of flight time in the private jet of Judge Karen J. Williams (4th Cir.).

As previously noted in these pages (see female hottie #8), Judge Williams, a wealthy and elegant Southern belle, has a private plane.

10. The CD Michael, Row the Boat Ashore: The Best of the Highwaymen.

This is a "greatest hits" collection of The Highwaymen, the hit folk music group that counted among its members a pre-robescent Stephen S. Trott (9th Cir.). Judge Trott may therefore be the only federal judge who has had real groupies (as opposed to pseudo-groupies like your undersigned scribe).

11. Front-row tickets to a federal judicial spelling bee, pitting Judge Bruce M. Selya (1st Cir.) against Judge Ferdinand F. Fernandez (9th Cir.) in the final round.

Oops, sorry, this item doesn't exist! But wouldn't it be cool if someone were to organize such an event, perhaps as a fundraiser for a worthy cause?

12. Finally, for someone that you really don't like very much, but have to give something to out of obligation, give them a cheap gift: a state court judge!

********************

Well, wasn't that enlightening? Federal judges are a diverse, fascinating, and fabulous group of people, with talents, interests and accomplishments that go well beyond the courthouse doors.

In a recent opinion discussed here by How Appealing, Judge Andrew J. Kleinfeld (9th Cir.) wrote, "Judges are drawn from a particularly well behaved group of people of limited experience." While this is arguably true as a general matter, it's nice to know, as the foregoing gift list demonstrates, that there are some notable exceptions to this rule.

As previously announced, A3G will be taking a little vacation. Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

Waiting for Santa to stuff her stocking,

Article III Groupie

*Many of these "wish lists" have changed since the time the original post was issued, perhaps because judges removed items from their wish lists out of embarrassment. You can, however, get a sense of what the lists originally contained from the text and links following each entry.

UTR Winter Recess

My little snow bunnies (for those of you who live in places that get the white stuff):

The time has come from Article III Groupie to take her leave of you temporarily. She's going on vacation! (And not a moment too soon, for the sake of her dwindling sanity...)

A3G will be away from blogging and e-mail for a period of indeterminate length, but probably until at least early January. If she has the opportunity, as well as adequate internet access at her destination, perhaps she will issue a post or two while away. But she will not be e-mailing at all during this time.

A3G sends her readers the warmest greetings of the season. Happy New Year!

--Article III Groupie

Courthouse Forum: Seasonal Celebrity Correspondence

As you all know from her incessant complaining, Article III Groupie has been somewhat depressed lately. Many factors have contributed to her malaise, including the demands of work, holiday-related stress, and a recent letter she received suggesting that not all of the Elect live happily ever after.

Well, A3G is feeling a little better now. She's still way behind in her Christmas shopping and holiday card writing, but her spirits have been lifted by a few e-mails, which she will share with you in today's Courthouse Forum.

First, nothing brings good cheer like a Christmas missive from a judicial celebrity:

From: Richard Posner
To: Article III Groupie
Date: Sun, 12 Dec 2004 00:51:10 -0600
Subject:

Dear Ms. Groupie,

Very sorry to hear that you're feeling overworked and overwhelmed. Take it easy, and have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Richard A. Posner

How delightful! A3G thanks Judge Posner for his lovely note. She may be a member of the Great Unwashed and a lowly law firm associate, but at least she's on Richard Posner's Christmas card list!

(And while she is on the subject of The Giant Hedgehog, A3G would like to mention one other comment from this brilliant jurist. After A3G e-mailed Judge Posner to thank him for entrusting her with breaking the news of The Becker-Posner Blog, he replied: "Thank you--it is very valuable advertising for us. Everyone reads your blog." What a great celebrity endorsement!)

Next, consider this insightful and exceedingly flattering message from one of our nation's most renowned courtroom advocates:

From: [A Legendary Litigator]
To: Article III Groupie
Date: Sun, 12 Dec 2004 12:32:08 +0000
Subject: rest ye merry

Rest ye merry, A3G, this holiday season.  But for 2005 you can ditch at least some of your perennial worries.

First, ditch the one about not being a Supreme Court law clerk.  Hey, I missed out too in what might have been one of the nearest-misses ever, and perhaps the most publicized.  In the end, people knew I had at least been close, so I got all the mileage and never had to stay up late reading cert. petitions.

Second, don't worry about running out of material.  Article III types will continue to provide it.  You are a direct descendant of Charles Warren, I think, and his gossip-laden history of the Court and its Justices shows us that some personality traits that go with "leprosy of the bench" -- as TJ's AG Caesar Rodney put it -- are perennials. JM's tweaking Levi Lincoln during Marbury oral argument is just a small example.  Story's letter home about the arguments in Amistad is another.

I hope you keep on blogging because we need you. There are big questions out there for the robed ones.  We have never needed Article III judging more than right now, in the tradition of Cranch, Johnson, perhaps even Ex parte Merryman, certainly Paquete Habana, certainly when we think of Hirabayashi and Korematsu, yes in the tradition of Learned Hand in Judith Coplon's case [United States v. Coplon, 185 F.2d 629 (2d Cir. 1950)], and so on.  So many of the brethren and sistren are running around in the box they call "the legal mind," fitting parts of ideas together while letting the Executive branch resolve the big issues....

Wow! Article III Groupie does not deserve such praise, but she is certainly gratified to receive it. As for ceasing to fret over not being among the Elect, well, that's easier said than done -- especially when she gets letters like this one (from an unnamed Anointed):

Life as a member of the Elect really is as fantastic as you imagined. Your other correspondent was just trying to make you feel better. Also, there are four fountains in the courtyards at the Court, so that there is less of a wait in line when we have to practice our hydro-ambulatory skills. (The whole thing is a lot like the reindeer-training scene from the Rudolph Christmas special, with [Clerk of Court] Bill Sutter playing the role of Comet with the baseball cap and whistle.)

A3G's reaction to this message, like her reaction to the earlier letter she received from one of the Elect, is mixed. On the one hand, it's depressing to hear about the sensational lives led by the Anointed. On the other hand -- what a relief! This message restores A3G's previously wavering faith in the unlimited power of the legal profession's ultimate credential. Now she can return to being bitter and self-pitying -- which is, after all, what she does best...

Bah, humbug,

Article III Groupie

Justice Is Blind: Holiday Edition

Almost two months have passed since the last edition of Justice Is Blind, placing UTR at risk of losing its accreditation as a gossip blog. So Article III Groupie presents you with a belated Chanukah gift: federal judicial blind items!

1. Holiday Party Antics.  This East Coast district judge attended the holiday party of the local U.S. Attorney's Office, where he proceeded to have a bit too much to drink. Late in the evening, he was seen (and heard) singing along with the music, karaoke-style, at the top of his lungs -- with his secretary, who also attended the party, serving as his backup dancer!

2. Did She Thank Larry Tribe and Charles Ogletree in the Star Footnote?  A UTR reader submitted this scandalous tidbit about a high-profile, liberal lioness of a circuit court judge:

When it comes to scholarly work, she is a lazy, lazy writer.  To wit: When I was a staffer on a certain scholarly legal publication, we published an article by [this judge]. Her citation skills were, to say the least, lacking. My personal favorite example was a block quotation -- perhaps 100 words -- with no attribution. No source, no author, no date, no nothing. The rest of her article was similarly challenging to cite-check.

The foregoing anecdote demonstrates that, as even Judge Posner concedes, student editors of law reviews provide valuable cite-checking services to legal luminaries -- many of whom are just too important to be bothered with silly things like attribution...

3. Don't Pee on Her Leg and Tell Her It's Raining!  This liberal judicial diva, known to reduce her clerks to tears, is tough as nails -- and we're not talking about the Lee Press-On kind! One day in late 2001, around the time of the anthrax scare, a law clerk to this East Coast trial judge opened a piece of mail, found white powder inside the envelope, and fainted -- right in the chambers anteroom.

Moments later, the judge emerged from her private office and started heading for the chambers door. Casually stepping over the body of her passed-out clerk, she declared, "I'm going to lunch!"

Further affiant sayeth not,

Article III Groupie

A3G's Gmail Spot

Article III Groupie has a new e-mail address! It's a Gmail account, which you can e-mail her at by clicking here. She will continue to check her Yahoo! account, but perhaps with decreasing frequency over time.

Inspired by the e-mail policy of the Volokh Conspiracy, in which the unfailingly polite Eugene Volokh apologizes for not being able to respond to all messages, A3G has amended UTR's e-mail policy, which she reprints below:

Pursuant to A3G's standard e-mail policy, anything that you e-mail to her may be published in "Underneath Their Robes," but on an anonymous basis. If A3G would like to attribute anything to you by name, she will obtain your consent prior to doing so. She is grateful for (almost) all reader correspondence, and she apologizes in advance for not being able to respond to every e-mail message that she receives.

A3G now has 1000 megabytes of storage. Please stuff her inbox with hot and juicy judicial gossip! Your messages give her untold pleasure.

She's Got Mail,

Article III Groupie

P.S. A3G thanks Fedster for the Gmail invite.

Judicial SIGHT-ations: Federal Judicial Festivities

"Celebrate good times, come on!"

Some of us, including yours truly, have nothing better to do on a Saturday night than sit in front of the computer. Perhaps we could learn a thing or two from federal judges -- they sure know how to party!

Here are three quick sight-ations, some of them a little bit old, involving judicial celebrities spotted at celebratory events:

1. Loyal Cincinnati Correspondent, one of UTR's most prolific sources, offers this judicial sight-ation:

I saw Judge Susan Dlott and her husband [Stanley Chesley] at a benefit gala several weeks ago. They were also photographed for the society paper here (photos of your Loyal Cincinnati Correspondent did not make the cut, sniff, sniff).  The publication is not online, but I have it at home.  I did note that the photo's caption incorrectly identified her husband in such a way that it gave to him Judge Dlott's last name.

Delightful -- and eminently appropriate! Stan Chesley, one of the most successful plaintiff's lawyers in the country, may be as rich as Croesus. But it's Judge Dlott who wears the robes in that house! (And what a house it is! As you may recall, UTR Cribs visited the magnificent mansion of Judge and Mr. Dlott back in this post.)

2. Another UTR reader provides us with this celebrity sighting:

[Last month], at a quinquennial reunion, former clerks of the Honorable Boyce F. Martin, Jr. (6th Cir. -- Louisville, KY) announced to their judge and mentor the endowment of a scholarship in his name at the Judge's alma mater, Davidson College, in recognition of Judge Martin's 25th year on the federal bench. Judge Martin's first clerk, the Honorable [and Hot] John Gleeson, U.S. District Judge for the Eastern District of New York, spoke on behalf of the over 70 former clerks.

While we're on the subject of Judge Martin, A3G would like to issue a UTR Discovery Request.  At some point in the new year, she would like to write a Bench-Slapped! exposé on the Sixth Circuit, with a specific focus on the super-friendly relations between Judge Martin and his successor as chief judge, Chief Judge Danny J. Boggs. Please e-mail her with the inside scoop!

3. Finally, in a post A3G linked to previously, PG of De Novo provided a commendably detailed account of the James Madison Award Dinner of the Federalist Society New York Lawyers Chapter. The honoree, Robert S. Smith, is a state court judge, but numerous federal judicial luminaries were in attendance, including Judge P. Kevin Castel (S.D.N.Y.), a former partner at the breathtakingly lucrative Cahill Gordon & Reindel, and the always well-dressed Judge Loretta A. Preska (S.D.N.Y.).

And now, a brief aside on Judge Preska. One of A3G's favorite correspondents writes:

I am a huge fan of Judge Preska, before whom I have tried two cases to completion, one with a jury, one without. A finer judge would be hard to imagine. Judge Preska is highly intelligent, professional, courteous and correct, patient, fundamentally pleasant and good-humored, fair, judicious and open-minded, and yet appropriately firm. Although she seldom displays even asperity, let alone anger, she does not suffer fools gladly. Her outstanding temperament and considerable intellect combine to make her a model district judge. (Just today, as it happens, I took over a pending case originally assigned to Preska and cursed a mighty oath upon seeing that my predecessor had unwisely stipulated to have the case tried by the magistrate judge). She is also, as your correspondent noted, possessed of striking, patrician good looks, faultlessly elegant, beautifully dressed, accessorized and coiffed, and in general, a treat for all the senses. She would be a great interview subject for you.

Finally, Article III Groupie has one more tidbit to share with you about what was surely a delightful evening: the individual at the James Madison Dinner who expressed enthusiasm for UTR is believed to be Jodi Balsam, the chief organizer of the dinner. A3G hopes this is the case! Ms. Balsam is a high-powered, conservative female lawyer, as well as a founder of the NYU Federalist Society. She sounds like a woman after A3G's own heart!

The Queen of Procrastination,

Article III Groupie

Courthouse Forum: A Letter from One of the Elect

As you can gather from her recent posts, Article III Groupie is overworked and overwhelmed. But she's not quite ready for her holiday hiatus from blogging; she'd like to issue a few more posts before she disappears from the blogosphere, not to return until 2005.

Since A3G is down in the dumps, this post will be more serious and reflective than the usual UTR fare. And because A3G is completely exhausted, she will let someone else do the work for her -- namely, one of her distinguished correspondents. Today's Courthouse Forum mailbag contains this very interesting letter from a member of the Elect (who shall remain nameless):

Dear Groupie,

Your blog is about the most interesting thing I've seen on the web, and I think that you are an astonishingly good writer. Indeed, I'm intimidated even to be writing directly to you, as I could not display a fraction of your wit and eloquence.

As for me, I happen to be among the ranks of what you call "The Elect," but I am far from the Important -- and getting farther with each passing month. I too am now toiling away in obscurity -- my bonus long having been burned up -- wondering what happened to all of the possibilities, missing the heady days in DC when I would go to parties and be asked: "What do you do?" In the words of the Springsteen song: "Glory days / Well, they'll pass you by, glory days / In the wink of a young girl's eye, glory days." I am increasingly embarrassed to check in with my Justice, never having -- unlike my conquering co-clerks -- any new achievements or glorious triumphs to report.

Wherever you are, I hope this finds you well, and I hope that you are coming to terms with your own demons. I remain plenty busy with mine.

-- Your Devoted Fan

A3G doesn't really know how to react to this thoughtful, oddly touching, and beautifully written missive. Yes, to be completely honest, her schadenfreude causes her to take some pleasure from hearing that life might not be a bowl of cherries for all of the Anointed. But she's not as pleased as one might expect (which may suggest that her soul is not totally beyond redeption). Rather, she is genuinely saddened to hear of someone else strugging -- just as she does every day -- to come to grips with his or her own insignificance.

Article III Groupie is also disturbed by the possible shattering of the myth that the Elect lead lives of never-ending fabulousness. A3G is an embittered member of the Great Unwashed who is unhappy with her lot in life; part of her desperately wants to believe, and needs to believe, that someone out there is having non-stop fun. That "someone," of course, would be each and every member of the Elect.

To learn that this actually might not be the case -- that the party sometimes comes to an end, even for the Anointed Ones -- would be deeply demoralizing to A3G (even if she is not among their ranks). Her view of the world would be fundamentally changed, just as it was when she learned the truth about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy; she would suffer a loss of innocence.

"Supreme Court clerkship fetishism" has caused A3G to think of a job with the justices as a panacea: if only she had gotten that clerkship, then at last she would have been "happy." But what if a clerkship at One First Street doesn't magically solve all the problems in your life? What then?

Oh, it's just too much to fathom! A3G needs a drink...

Enjoying a little nightcap (i.e., self-medicating),

Article III Groupie

Looking for The Becker-Posner Blog?

It appears that many of you have come here in search of The Becker-Posner Blog, which A3G had the honor and privilege of announcing to the blogosphere last month. To reach the delicious blog of Judge Posner and Professor Becker -- which now features some very interesting posts from The Giant Hedgehog and his Nobel Laureate co-blogger on preventive war -- click here. Enjoy!

UTR News and Views: UTR Anniversary Edition

"Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday Dear UTR... Happy Birthday to You!"

"Underneath Their Robes" celebrates its six-month blogiversary this week. In honor of the occasion, Article III Groupie offers you this anniversary edition of "UTR News and Views."

Yes, it has been over a month since the last installment of UTR News and Views. So, for the information of readers who are new to this blawg, UTR News is a collection of pretty random news items that A3G discusses in cursory fashion. Exciting, huh? It's sort of like UTR's answer to Wonkette's Remainders. You could also think of it as "A3G's dumping ground for news items that you've already seen on How Appealing or that a bored, web-surfing co-worker e-mailed to you a long time ago."

Looking back over the past six months of blogging, A3G realizes that she has been one lucky girl, with much good fortune to celebrate concerning UTR. And recent weeks have been marked by some very positive developments:

(1) increasing readership for UTR, which has received almost 300,000 hits since its inception (roughly 1,600 hits per day);

(2) a delightful shout-out in In Camera, the official newsletter of the Federal Judges Association (FJA), in an article entitled "Surf's Up: WebSurfing for Judges," authored by Chief Judge Mark W. Bennett (N.D. Iowa) -- and A3G is glad she's on the good side of this judicial hottie, because he sure knows how to bench-slap;

(3) a great mention in this article, which originally appeared in the December 2004 issue of the ABA Journal; and

(4) a love letter from Fedster of Crime and Federalism, offering wonderfully extravagant praise of A3G that, even if unmerited, means a great deal to her.

Alas, despite all the good blog-related news, A3G has been in a bit of a funk lately. She has been getting killed at work lately, with multiple filings due in the next two weeks; she has made no progress in her shopping for presents; and she has so much to do before making herself scarce for the holidays.

In addition, a number of depressing news items have been bringing her down. In no particular order -- and with thanks to Howard Bashman's How Appealing, the "one-stop shopping" site for all legal news, and the many UTR readers who e-mailed her with blogworthy tidbits -- consider these sad developments:

(1) several federal judges, and others close to the courts, have passed away recently;

(2) Chief Justice Rehnquist, who has been away from the Supreme Court for some time due to his thyroid cancer, is not returning to the Court this year;

(3) speaking of the Chief, 59 percent of people surveyed in a recent AP poll didn't know what position he holds (granted, the "law geek" readership of UTR may tend dangerously towards the other extreme);

(4) the Second Circuit's official blog, previously available here, has suffered an untimely demise (due to unspecified "issues," according to Second Opinions); and

(5) the ABA Journal eReport held this contest, and A3G's entry was not among the winners.

In case you're wondering, the contest requested answers to this question: "Say you woke up one day and found out you could take the bench. What would you do?" This was A3G's answer:

I would hire the hunkiest male law clerks (not unlike the shirtless studs who swarm over Celine Dion during her show at Caesars Palace). When court would convene, my gorgeous, well-muscled law clerks would carry me into the courtroom in a crimson and gold sedan chair. Anything less would be unfit for federal judicial royalty!

And that's not all -- there's even more bad news. Especially distressing are news items that call into question fundamental UTR articles of faith:

Article of Faith #1: "Unlike icky state court judges, federal judges are superhuman and fabulous."

A3G has a guessing game she likes to play. Every time she sees a headline about a judge doing something stupid or wrong (or both), she asks herself, before reading the body of the article: "State court judge, or federal judge?" She always guesses "state judge" -- and she's almost always right.

But recently she was wrong. She saw the headline for this New York Times article, "Judge's Decisions Are Conspicuously Late," and guessed, "state judge." As it turns out, however, the judge in question -- with almost 300 motions on his six-month list, and with litigants dying on him before he gives them decision -- is federal judge George B. Daniels (S.D.N.Y.). And Judge Daniels, a Clinton appointee, isn't a member of just any old Article III court. He sits on the fabled federal trial bench of the Southern District of New York, which oozes prestige from every orifice. (In hindsight, A3G should have known better: Would the New York Times run a story about a state court judge's decisions being "conspicuously late"?)

(By the way, when nominated to the court, Judge Daniels was given the ABA's highest rating (see here) -- yet another piece of evidence casting doubt upon the value of the ideologically biased ratings, which rated Judge Daniels more highly than the California Dreamin' Diva, a former Kennedy clerk, Deputy Solicitor General, and Munger Tolles partner. The ABA ratings -- hrmph! The alumni award Judge Daniels got from his high school means more than his "well qualified" rating from the ABA.)

Right now Judge Daniels is probably hovering over his sleep-deprived law clerks, watching them work around the clock, and banging their skulls with his gavel when they start to doze off. On repeat play in the chambers stereo, to provide Judge Daniels with some measure of reassurance: "the Federal Judge Song," a.k.a. "Appointed Forever" (sound file; set to the tune of "Happy Together" by The Turtles).

And this isn't the only news shaking A3G's faith in the federal courts. According to the this article from the Times, "the Supreme Court's decision to hear [Miller-El v. Dretke, a death penalty case from the Fifth Circuit] yet again is a sign of its growing impatience with two of the courts that handle death penalty cases from Texas: its highest criminal court, the Court of Criminal Appeals, and the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit, in New Orleans."

Now, A3G is no death penalty abolitionist. But even she must concede that it seems a little cheeky of the Fifth Circuit, upon getting the case on remand after an 8-1 decision from the Court, in essence to adopt the position of the lone dissenter, Justice Thomas.

Based on the Times article, it now appears that the Fifth Circuit is trying to give the Court of Criminal Appeals a run for its money in the category of "Most Badly Bench-Slapped by the Supreme Court." Hence the question posed by the Grits for Breakfast blog: "Which court is worse?"

Article of Faith #2: "The Elect can do no wrong."

Supreme Court clerks are the very best minds the legal profession has to offer. They literally walk on water, using the fountain in the courtyard of One First Street to practice their skills. They don't make mistakes -- or do they?

In City of San Diego v. Roe, the Supreme Court, in a per curiam opinion, unanimously reversed a nutty decision (pdf) from the Ninth Circuit. The Ninth Circuit had held that a police officer who was fired for making and selling a porn video in which he stripped off his police uniform and masturbated could advance a claim that the termination violated his First Amendment rights. A3G can think of several things that might have been violated -- but the First Amendment isn't among them! 

The Ninth Circuit opinion that was reversed so peremptorily was written by Judge Raymond C. Fisher -- a member of the Elect, having clerked for Brennan -- and joined by female feeder Judge Dorothy W. Nelson. The absolutely fabulous Judge Kim McLane Wardlaw, the federal judiciary's #2 Superhottie and #1 Gay Icon, sensibly dissented. (A3G has heard that, in the past few years, Judge Wardlaw has been the Ninth Circuit judge most frequently vindicated in the Supreme Court. Can anyone confirm this?)

Right now the more conservative among you are probably thinking: "Who says Judge Fisher made a 'mistake' in his legal analysis? By that reasoning, the Emperor Palpatine -- whose brilliance lies beyond dispute -- sure does make a lot of 'mistakes.' Maybe Judge Fisher was just being results-oriented and lawless -- which wouldn't be a first for the Ninth Circuit!" A3G concedes this is a possibility; she does not know enough about Judge Fisher to hazard a guess as to which theory is correct.

Our next news item, however, involves what appears to be clear analytical error on the part of one of the Anointed. Judge Gerard E. Lynch (S.D.N.Y.) -- another alum of Justice Brennan's chambers, and a professor for many years at Columbia Law School -- is widely regarded as a legal genius. But it sounds like "Big G." Lynch may have missed the boat in this case, in which it took the Second Circuit to discover the analytical escape hatch that Judge Lynch was presumably looking for. The moral of the story: As Uncle Nino always emphasizes, "READ THE STATUTE!"

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My goodness! This is all terribly disillusioning. Federal judges dragging their gavels? Supreme Court clerks making analytical errors? It's more than one should have to bear! Article III Groupie is frantically scrambling to pick up and glue back together the broken shards of her shattered idols...

Are there still things that make A3G happy? Of course there are. A3G's Christmas stocking contains such delights as cute pictures (pdf) of the adorably elven Judge James Browning (9th Cir.), fawning celebrity puff pieces about members of the Elect, paeans to Posner, gambling odds on future nominations to the Court, Democratic Senators recognizing Justice Scalia's brilliance (although trashing of Justice Thomas is baseless and deplorable), and people saying nice things about UTR at judicial gatherings.

On the whole, however, A3G is stressed and depressed. Work has been brutal, she's behind in her blogging, she hasn't even started her gift shopping, and she doesn't know when she'll find the time to do her holiday cards. And she was particularly upset when she had to turn down an invitation to the Supreme Court Christmas Party from a loyal UTR reader, in order to preserve her anonymity -- even though doing so caused her near-physical pain!

Suffering from the holiday blues,

Article III Groupie