"Underneath Their Robes" has been described as "[t]he finest and perhaps only gossip site about U.S. Judges" (see here). Like any gossip blog worth its salt, UTR offers blind items, in Justice Is Blind, as well as extensive coverage of spats and feuds, in Bench-Slapped. But one staple of gossip pages is conspicuously missing from "Underneath Their Robes": a celebrity sightings page. As a self-respecting gossip page (is that a contradiction in terms?), UTR is compelled to bring you Judicial SIGHT-ations: Frolics and Detours of Article III Celebrities!
As its name suggests, "Judicial SIGHT-ations" will compile sightings by UTR readers of fantabulous judicial celebrities. Of course, not every case of a UTR reader setting eyes upon a federal judge is a reportable event. Rather, "SIGHT-ations" is looking for reports of federal judges on frolics and detours, i.e., engaged in activities or behaviors that are decidedly unusual, surprising, or amusing for a federal judge to be doing. As far as "SIGHT-ations" is concened, the more unexpected and non-judicial the conduct, the better! (Article III Groupie is therefore not interested in entries such as "Judge Catherine D. Perry (E.D. Mo.) was seen in her courtroom last week hearing argument on summary judgment motions," or "Judge Robert S. Lasnik (W.D. Wash.) was spotted walking down the hall in the Nakamura Courthouse yesterday.")
For "Judicial SIGHT-ations," Article III Groupie is looking for items reminding us that, despite their exalted, quasi-divine status, federal judges still "put [their] pants on one leg at a time" (as noted here, in EDDix's amusing review of UTR). For those of you who, like Article III Groupie, have been known to read a copy of Us Weekly wrapped inside an issue of U.S. Law Week, turn to page 24 of the August 2 issue (of Us Weekly, that is, as the next sentence will make abundantly clear; for an amusing and insightful exegesis of Us Weekly, click here). The feature entitled "Stars--They're Just Like Us!", with photographs of Mandy Moore feeding a parking meter and Ben Affleck scratching his butt while pumping gas, captures exactly what "SIGHT-ations" is looking for: proof that federal judges are "Just Like Us!" Reports of esteemed federal jurists engaged in pedestrian activities such as buying massive quantities of Banana Nut Crunch at Costco are as thrilling to A3G as sightings of Brad and Jen at the Beverly Center mall are to supermarket tabloid readers.
Federal judges are endlessly fascinating, and their personal lives deserve to be placed under the microscope, just as much as the lives of more traditionally glamorous celebrities. Of course, many judges will no doubt be quite displeased by the arrival of "SIGHT-ations," fearing that their not-so-youthful indiscretions--or at least their purchases of Stayfree heavy flow maxi pads and Desenex jock itch spray--may soon be published over the internet, to an audience of thousands. But even though Article III Groupie worships federal judges, longing to kiss the hems of their robes, her primary duty is to the readers of UTR. And her readers' stomachs are grumbling for Article III celebrity sightings!
For your benefit, A3G has listed below sample entries that, if only they were true (they are not), would be appropriate for the pages of "Judicial SIGHT-ations." (N.B. Once again, these are fictionalized entries.)
--Seventh-ranked feeder judge Michael Boudin (1st Cir.) was recently seen emerging from a Boston area Carvel, gingerly carrying a Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake. Was this "whale of a dessert" destined for the "welcome home" party of Judge Boudin's little sis, famed 1960s radical Kathy Boudin? Kathy Boudin was recently released from prison after serving 22 years for her participation in the notorious Brinks robbery and murder. (Given the length of Kathy's sentence, which caused her case to become something of a cause célèbre in light of her limited role in the robbery, the least the judge could have done was gotten extra cookie crunches on the side.)
--Chief Judge Carolyn Dineen King (5th Cir.) and Judge Thomas M. Reavley (5th Cir.), engaged to be married next month, were spotted canoodling and feeding each other Grand Marnier souffle at La Reserve in Houston. Please, Your Honors, refrain from the PDA! Save it for the robing room--or maybe for a sequel to this documentary...
--A D.C. Circuit judge was seen renting adult movies at Graffiti, a Washington, D.C., video store. Another D.C. Circuit judge was seen toking up in Rock Creek Park with a group of noisome vagrants. The D.C. Circuit has been previously described by UTR as "blindingly prestigious" and "magically delicious," a "muscularly powerful federal appeals court whose judges are handmaidens to the Supremes." But what's up with the after-hours activities of its members?
The items above, despite being hypothetical and fictionalized, should give you a good idea of what "Judicial SIGHT-ations" is all about. Please submit possible "SIGHT-ations" items, by e-mail, as soon as possible. Let's get this party started!
Not a "Superstalker of the Federal Judiciary," just a "Concerned Citizen with an Exceedingly Intense Interest in the Federal Courts,"
Is A3G willing to indemnify potential operatives who will soon have free time to go with their new digital cameras?
Posted by: Dylan | July 26, 2004 at 12:45 AM