Underneath Their Robes

State Court Judges Are Icky

Article III Groupie recently received this inquiry from a reader:

A3G--

Why doesn't UTR cover state court judges? If you are a judicial conservative, and presumably a card-carrying member of the Federalist Society, don't you believe that the distinguished members of state judiciaries deserve coverage in your blog's glamour-soaked pages?

--"State Court Groupie"

Article III Groupie has at least two responses to "State Court Groupie." First, limiting UTR to the federal judiciary allows for more focused and in depth coverage, permitting readers to get a very close look underneath the robes of these magnificent jurists. If A3G were to expand UTR's coverage to include the thousands of state court judges around the country, it would be impossible to achieve the same level of familiarity and intimacy with judicial celebrities.

Although sizable, the federal bench is still small enough for UTR's readers to get a decent sense of some of its more colorful characters. With almost 900 members (or 1600 counting senior judges), the federal judiciary is roughly the size of the graduating class at a large high school. Actually, hold that thought. What if the federal judiciary were a high school? Like the high schools depicted in such cinematic classics as Heathers and Clueless, Chief Justice John Marshall High School for Federal Judges has its cliques, popular kids, and social outcasts. Here are some of the more prominent personalities at John Marshall High, who dominate the hallways and classrooms of the schoolhouse, taking up more than their fair share of yearbook space:

--the prom king and queen, and their closest competition;

--the class cutup, who is absolutely hilarious but demands a lot of attention;

--the captain of the football team;

--the brilliant bad boy, whose behavioral issues prevent him from reaching his full potential;

--the queen of the nerds;

--the popular rich girl who wants everyone to like her, so she never gives direct answers to anything, choosing instead to issue fuzzy and unclear statements that make it sound like she agrees with everyone;

--the class genius;

--the "walking dictionary" geeks, who feel compelled to show off their large, um, vocabularies;

--the big men on campus; and

--the "unfriendly black hottie" (as noted here, this delightful term comes from the brilliantly funny film Mean Girls).

A3G's second justification for not discussing state court judges may require a bit more explanation. A3G is quite aware of the debate that has raged within the pages of law reviews concerning concepts such as federal and state court parity and comity. And in this debate, she tends to fall on the side of state court supporters. She has considerable faith in the state courts as co-equal interpreters of the Constitution, and she believes that, as a general matter, state court decisions should be accorded significant deference by federal courts.

But her respect for state courts as institutions does not translate into a fascination with state court judges as individuals. If Article III Groupie is being accused of federal judicial elitism, she pleads guilty as charged! If federal judges are major motion picture and prime time television stars, state judges are actors on daytime soap operas. And just as soap stars don't make the cover of Vanity Fair, state court judges don't make the pages of "Underneath Their Robes."

To be sure, a fair number of federal judges and judicial nominees were once denizens of state courthouses (see, e.g., the Right-Wing Judicial Divas). Indeed, as the judicial appointments process has become more politically charged, a higher proportion of federal judicial nominees are being drawn from the state and non-Article III federal benches, moving the American model of judicial selection perhaps closer to the European civil service model. As long as they haven't issued any off-the-wall opinions, nominees with prior judicial experience, such as state court, magistrate, and bankruptcy judges, are regarded as fairly "safe" picks for the Article III bench. They are often less controversial picks than high-profile practicing lawyers who have litigated hot button issues, or legal academics with lengthy paper trails littered with controversial "thought experiments."

But the point remains: although a few soap opera stars have made the jump into the major leagues (see here for a list), most never manage to break out of daytime television, just as the vast majority of state court judges will never see their names on the Article III silver screen. Until the president signs that commission, a state court judge is nothing more than a state court judge. And even though service on a state court is certainly admirable, a yawning chasm of fabulousness separates state court judges and federal judicial celebrities.

Right now you're probably thinking, "A3G, what was the point of those last few rambling paragraphs? You still haven't explained your second rationale for dissing state court judges." True enough, so let's cut to the chase. As it turns out, Article III Groupie's second reason for not covering state court judges does not require a scholarly exploration of federal and state court parity, nor does it call for a comparative analysis of American and European judicial selection processes. It's actually quite simple, capable of expression in five little words:

State court judges are ghetto.

Article III Groupie knows of at least a dozen UTR readers who are fine and upstanding state court judges, and she apologizes to these brilliant and distinguished jurists for such an overbroad indictment. But she can't help noticing that some state court judges seem to have a knack for getting themselves into hot water--and we're not talking about the judicial jacuzzi here. Here are just a few of the dirty secrets that state court judges are allegedly hiding beneath their robes (for all the gory details, click on the hyperlink at the start of each item):

(1) Penile pumps. An Oklahoma state court judge, "[w]hile seated on the bench, used a male enhancement pump, shaved and oiled his nether region, and pleasured himself." To quote the Legal Reader, "Underneath Their Robes, Indeed!" (Thanks to the many readers and fellow bloggers who brought this item to A3G's attenion.)

(2) Porn. The same Oklahoma judge viewed pornographic images and e-mails on a chambers computer and sexually harassed a court employee.

(3) Robbery suspects on the lam. A New York state court judge helped a robbery suspect to escape arrest, by telling him to escape from her courtroom through a side door, "even though she knew a detective was waiting in another hallway to arrest him on charges in a recent robbery."

(4) Speeding tickets galore. A recently confirmed New Jersey Supreme Court justice racked up eight (8) speeding tickets, and a prior unsuccessful nominee had a bench warrant issued for her arrest due to an unpaid speeding ticket. (The unsuccessful nominee's driving record "included more than a dozen motor vehicle violations, mostly for speeding or traffic accidents, and she had her license suspended three times.")

(5) An admiration for Bon Jovi. A New York state court judge (soon to be a former judge) got into a shoving match with four other women at a Bon Jovi concert at the Pepsi Arena in Albany, during which she "improperly asserted the prestige and influence of her judicial office." (UTR doesn't know what's worse--the judge's improper invocation of her judicial office, or her presence at a Bon Jovi concert!)

My goodness! Article III Groupie realizes that nobody's perfect, and she can think of several federal judges who have done things that perhaps they're not proud of. But penile enhancement pumps? Brawling at Bon Jovi concerts? Because UTR is a reputable blog, A3G must draw the line somewhere--and state court judges are on the far side of that line.

And so, my dear "State Court Groupie"--what a degraded condition that must be!--please accept this explanation of why UTR does not, as a general matter, devote space in its hallowed pages to those penile-enhancement-pumping, porn-addicted, felon-harboring, Bon Jovi fans who can't drive, otherwise known as state court judges.

An incorrigible federal court snob,

Article III Groupie

P.S. Article III Groupie may be out of town on business later this week (and possibly into the weekend), so she may be a little slow in issuing new posts and responding to e-mail messages. She thanks her readers for their kind indulgence.

Judicial SIGHT-ations: Frolics and Detours of Article III Celebrities!

"Underneath Their Robes" has been described as "[t]he finest and perhaps only gossip site about U.S. Judges" (see here). Like any gossip blog worth its salt, UTR offers blind items, in Justice Is Blind, as well as extensive coverage of spats and feuds, in Bench-Slapped. But one staple of gossip pages is conspicuously missing from "Underneath Their Robes": a celebrity sightings page. As a self-respecting gossip page (is that a contradiction in terms?), UTR is compelled to bring you Judicial SIGHT-ations: Frolics and Detours of Article III Celebrities!

As its name suggests, "Judicial SIGHT-ations" will compile sightings by UTR readers of fantabulous judicial celebrities. Of course, not every case of a UTR reader setting eyes upon a federal judge is a reportable event. Rather, "SIGHT-ations" is looking for reports of federal judges on frolics and detours, i.e., engaged in activities or behaviors that are decidedly unusual, surprising, or amusing for a federal judge to be doing. As far as "SIGHT-ations" is concened, the more unexpected and non-judicial the conduct, the better! (Article III Groupie is therefore not interested in entries such as "Judge Catherine D. Perry (E.D. Mo.) was seen in her courtroom last week hearing argument on summary judgment motions," or "Judge Robert S. Lasnik (W.D. Wash.) was spotted walking down the hall in the Nakamura Courthouse yesterday.")

For "Judicial SIGHT-ations," Article III Groupie is looking for items reminding us that, despite their exalted, quasi-divine status, federal judges still "put [their] pants on one leg at a time" (as noted here, in EDDix's amusing review of UTR). For those of you who, like Article III Groupie, have been known to read a copy of Us Weekly wrapped inside an issue of U.S. Law Week, turn to page 24 of the August 2 issue (of Us Weekly, that is, as the next sentence will make abundantly clear; for an amusing and insightful exegesis of Us Weekly, click here). The feature entitled "Stars--They're Just Like Us!", with photographs of Mandy Moore feeding a parking meter and Ben Affleck scratching his butt while pumping gas, captures exactly what "SIGHT-ations" is looking for: proof that federal judges are "Just Like Us!" Reports of esteemed federal jurists engaged in pedestrian activities such as buying massive quantities of Banana Nut Crunch at Costco are as thrilling to A3G as sightings of Brad and Jen at the Beverly Center mall are to supermarket tabloid readers.

Federal judges are endlessly fascinating, and their personal lives deserve to be placed under the microscope, just as much as the lives of more traditionally glamorous celebrities. Of course, many judges will no doubt be quite displeased by the arrival of "SIGHT-ations," fearing that their not-so-youthful indiscretions--or at least their purchases of Stayfree heavy flow maxi pads and Desenex jock itch spray--may soon be published over the internet, to an audience of thousands. But even though Article III Groupie worships federal judges, longing to kiss the hems of their robes, her primary duty is to the readers of UTR. And her readers' stomachs are grumbling for Article III celebrity sightings!

For your benefit, A3G has listed below sample entries that, if only they were true (they are not), would be appropriate for the pages of "Judicial SIGHT-ations." (N.B. Once again, these are fictionalized entries.)

--Seventh-ranked feeder judge Michael Boudin (1st Cir.) was recently seen emerging from a Boston area Carvel, gingerly carrying a Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake. Was this "whale of a dessert" destined for the "welcome home" party of Judge Boudin's little sis, famed 1960s radical Kathy Boudin? Kathy Boudin was recently released from prison after serving 22 years for her participation in the notorious Brinks robbery and murder. (Given the length of Kathy's sentence, which caused her case to become something of a cause célèbre in light of her limited role in the robbery, the least the judge could have done was gotten extra cookie crunches on the side.)

--Chief Judge Carolyn Dineen King (5th Cir.) and Judge Thomas M. Reavley (5th Cir.), engaged to be married next month, were spotted canoodling and feeding each other Grand Marnier souffle at La Reserve in Houston. Please, Your Honors, refrain from the PDA! Save it for the robing room--or maybe for a sequel to this documentary...

--A D.C. Circuit judge was seen renting adult movies at Graffiti, a Washington, D.C., video store. Another D.C. Circuit judge was seen toking up in Rock Creek Park with a group of noisome vagrants. The D.C. Circuit has been previously described by UTR as "blindingly prestigious" and "magically delicious," a "muscularly powerful federal appeals court whose judges are handmaidens to the Supremes." But what's up with the after-hours activities of its members?

The items above, despite being hypothetical and fictionalized, should give you a good idea of what "Judicial SIGHT-ations" is all about. Please submit possible "SIGHT-ations" items, by e-mail, as soon as possible. Let's get this party started!

Not a "Superstalker of the Federal Judiciary," just a "Concerned Citizen with an Exceedingly Intense Interest in the Federal Courts,"

Article III Groupie

Judicial Birthday Watch: AMK and AK

In this new UTR feature, Judicial Birthday Watch, Article III Groupie will send birthday greetings to your favorite favorite judges. Please e-mail A3G to alert her of any upcoming judicial birthdays. Interesting or humorous birthday anecdotes, including scandalous tales of judicial birthday blow-outs, are especially welcome.

Today is a very special day for two judicial hotties:

(1) Justice Anthony M. Kennedy of the Supreme Court, who turns 68 today; and

(2) Justice Kennedy's former law clerk, Judge Alex Kozinski of the Ninth Circuit (and Superhottieville), who turns 54 today.

It's a remarkable coincidence that these two judges, who are quite close, have the same birthday (and even the same initials, sort of). Could they be the same person? For those of you who are curious, AK clerked for AMK on the Ninth Circuit from 1975 to 1976. At the time, Judge Kozinski was 25 and Justice Kennedy was 39.

"Underneath Their Robes" and Article III Groupie wish both of these distinguished jurists very happy birthdays! (Or, as they say in Judge Kozinski's native Romania, "La multi ani!")

Birthday hugs and kisses,

Article III Groupie

P.S. Thanks to De Novo for bringing AK's birthday to Article III Groupie's attention, in this post. And thanks to AK for pointing out AMK's birthday.

Big Swinging Gavels: The Male Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary!

Article III Groupie is an old-fashioned gal, which may explain her "ladies first" approach to announcing the results of the Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary contest. But her decision to announce the men after the women could also be chalked up to another adage: "Save the best for last!" A3G finds the male Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary absolutely irresistible!

Before the announcement, please permit A3G a brief digression. As Wonkette points out here, The Hill has just released its list of the 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill. There is no bigger fan of the federal judicial hotties than A3G, but even she may have to admit that these legislative lovelies have the edge over their counterparts in the judiciary. Compare these people with these people. If electoral politics is "show business for ugly people," as Jay Leno once quipped, what does that make the federal judiciary? (That was a rhetorical question; please don't answer it...)

And now, the results. Voting for the male nominees was even more top-heavy than the voting for the female candidates. The top five nominees received almost 95 percent of the votes, and the winner in the male superhottie category received a whopping 61.5 percent of all ballots cast. (Who might that be? Consider this prediction by Denise Howell.)

5. The Hot. John G. Roberts, Jr. (D.C. Cir.)

The "dashing" Judge Roberts -- described in his nomination blurb as "the JFK Jr. of the federal bench," with "youthful," "all-American good looks" -- takes fifth place, with 6.3 percent of the vote. Although certainly commendable, this fifth-place finish may mark the first time in his life that Judge Roberts, whose résumé is perfection itself, hasn't taken home the grand prize. Well, he can console himself with his seat on the D.C. Circuit...

4. The Hot. David H. Souter (U.S. Supreme Court)

As you may recall, Justice Souter was the subject of some minor controversy in these pages. It looks like Groupie, J., has been outvoted, as Justice Souter takes fourth place, with a healthy 8.4 percent of the vote. Voters were quite enthusiastic about the Yankee justice, praising him for "transcending the stereotype of the weirdo who lives with his mom, and surprising most of us." (A3G did not know, for example, that Justice Souter enjoys drinking good port, as well as climbing mountains -- presumably not at the same time, of course.) As one incredulous UTR reader asked A3G: "DHS not your type? The man has it all -- charm, intellect, athleticism, and a dry wit. Not to mention the most assets of all the Supremes, right? A number of elderly female members of the Supreme Court Historical Society would beg to differ with you!"

3. The Hot. Jeffrey S. Sutton (6th Cir.)

"Is there really any doubt here?" asked one supporter of Judge Sutton. "I think not. Judge Sutton gets my vote!" Other voters share this view, as Judge Sutton, with 9.1 percent of the vote, ascends to the lofty post of #3 Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary (male). UTR readers praised the "very cute" Judge Sutton for his "classic good looks." Considering how heated oral arguments can get in the shark tank known as the Sixth Circuit (see, e.g., this article), advocates can take comfort from the presence on the bench of Judge Sutton, "a sweet piece of Article III eye candy."

2. The Hot. Robert A. Katzmann (2d Cir.)

Carried by a wave of eleventh-hour support, "The Rock" (RAK) narrowly edges out Judge Sutton to become the #2 Superhottie, with 9.8 percent of the vote. Apparently UTR voters were favorably impressed by his squiring the blindingly beautiful Natascha McElhone about town. (Imagine how well Judge Katzmann could have done if his picture had been posted! Hey, there's always next year's contest to look forward to...)

1. The Hot. Alex Kozinski (9th Cir.)

Article III Groupie proudly proclaims Judge Alex Kozinski as the #1 male Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary! Judge Kozinski's aggressive campaigning paid off tremendously, resulting in his winning 61.5 percent of the vote, in a California mudslide of epic, Roland Emmerich proportions. Some voters tried to vote for AK using five different email addresses, and others tried to vote for him in both the male and female categories. (In light of the hair on that judicial chest -- see paintball picture below -- Article III Groupie rejected votes cast for Judge Kozinski in the "superhottie female" category.)

It's getting late, and A3G -- a moniker bestowed upon her by the #1 Superhottie, in fact -- is getting tired. So A3G will let her readers do her work for her and simply quote their many excellent comments about Judge Kozinski below, with minimal editing.

"Please put me down for Judge Kozinski -- he's the bomb!"

"Alex Kozinski. His lovely Romanian accent, which he hasn't been able to shake despite a virtual lifetime in America, gets me every time. Chalk one up to AK-47."

"Kozinski: Because he's a hot middle-aged pudgy man."

"I've known Judge Kozinski for more years than he or I would want to mention. He's only gotten hotter and hotter as the years go by. So he has my vote for 'Hottie.'"

"Kozinski: How could the blond hottie on his arm in the picture [click here, see male contestant #5] be wrong?"

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And now, a quick aside concerning the aforementioned hottie. Article III Groupie is flattered by the reader who wrote to her, "By the way, the 'Naomi Watts wanna-be' in your pic of Koz looks exactly like I pictured you looking! Yummy. In fact, I'm suspicious..." Or, as another reader asked her: "Don't think that the suspicious similarity between the 'unidentified blonde hottie' in the AK photo and the sketch of A3G in the 'about me' section has passed unnoticed. Fess up; are you really AK's girlfriend?"

Unfortunately, no -- A3G cannot claim that honor. As it turns out, the stunning blonde is a woman by the name of Katie Haun, the Kozinski co-clerk of the Engels, who has just joined the ranks of the Elect. (Please, do not deluge One First Street with flowers; they'll never make it past security.) Brains, beauty... Some gals have all the luck! (And some gals have all the pain...)

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"I spoke to Stevie Wonder and (before his death) Ray Charles, and they both said vote for Kozinski. How I can disagree?" (For other endorsements of Judge Kozinski by recently deceased celebrities, see the picture at right; click on the thumbnail for a (very enlarged) view if you can't see it well.)

"Look, on the men's side, there's no contest here. After all, the contest is for the 'hottest' judge, right? Alex Kozinski (aka AK-47, AK, Hotpants, the Romanian Love Machine) wins hottest, hands-down. You can keep your clean-cut Jeff Suttons. He might be the kind of judge you want to bring home to mom, but 'hot' he ain't."

Judge Kozinski "makes the ladies swoon. Count this as three votes for him really. Cuz he's just that hot."

"It's a toss-up between the classic good looks of Jeff Sutton and the sexy intellect and impish smile of Alex Kozinski. OK, if I have to only pick one, I'll go with Alex; he wants it more, anyway."

"I vote for that hot piece of ass Alex Kozinski!" (This comment was received, disturbingly enough, from Judge Kozinski's son, Wyatt Kozinski. Yes, UTR has a strict policy of keeping its sources anonymous -- but there is an exception when the welfare of children is at stake.)

"I vote for Judge Kozinski, 'cause I think he's totally a hottie. Well, that, and he's my dad." (Pursuant to the same exception, UTR discloses that this comment came from Wyatt's older brother, Yale.)

At the risk of sounding biased, Article III Groupie would like to conclude by offering a few words about Judge Kozinski on her own behalf. First, she would like to point out his wide-ranging talents, which include writing brilliant opinions, raising chickens (see picture at left), and acting. Yes, acting! Having watched the short film Inside Story, a movie discussed in more detail here, A3G can say with confidence that AK's star turn as a law firm partner is not to be missed.

Finally, she would like to express her thanks to Judge Kozinski for his unwavering support of "Underneath Their Robes." Judge Kozinski understands what UTR is all about, as these remarks of his in the Daily Journal article make clear: "People need to poke fun at the federal judiciary. We have foibles. We should not be painted like we walk on water... [UTR] is humorous, light and wasn't mean. I thought it deserved some encouragement."

A good sense of humor, a humble recognition of one's own imperfections, and a generous spirit. What more can one ask for in a Superhottie? As one of UTR's readers nicely put it, in casting a vote for Judge Kozinski: "Superhottie is as superhottie does!"

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So there they are: the three women and the three men who rise to the level of Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary! UTR thanks all of its readers who submitted nominations and votes. Without you, of course, this competition would not be possible.

My goodness! A3G is just plum tuckered out from the effort she has expended on the Superhotties contest! (In addition, she has a deposition outline to prepare -- yikes!) And so UTR may be taking a little bit of a vacation. Of course, while she is gone, please feel free to email Article III Groupie with news and gossip about federal judges; it may just take her a while to respond.

Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the federal judicial superstars!

--Article III Groupie

Bodacious Babes of the Bench: The Female Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary!

"All rise! The female Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary are in the house! All persons having business before these bodacious babes of the bench are admonished to draw near and give their attention, for the hotties are now sitting -- and the benches are now sizzling! Michael Newdow save the United States and this Honorable Court!"

After counting and recounting hundreds of votes, and with apologies for the delay, Article III Groupie proudly presents the female Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary! The twelve impressive women who were nominated as judicial hotties have been winnowed down to five champions, whom UTR crowns today as the female winners of the first annual SFJ competition. (Update: The prevailing males are available here.)

Before proceeding to the results, A3G has a few preliminary comments to offer. Voters were generally quite impressed with the great beauties that the federal bench has to offer. In fact, several UTR readers were downright surprised by the number of federal judicial hotties. But satisfaction with the slate of nominees was not universal. Some commentators felt that certain constituencies were slighted or overlooked, such as tax judges and North Carolina jurists. And some observers simply did not find the nominees all that hot (see, e.g., this post from the Legal Underground).

As a theoretical matter, one can certainly imagine hotter judges. For example, Judge Elena Lala of Romania is so hot that one of her admirers brings one lawsuit after another just so he can make it into her courtroom -- presumably in the hopes of someday getting underneath her robe. As for as A3G knows, none of the nominated federal judicial hotties have inspired such devotion from litigious lovebirds.

As a practical matter, however, it must be remembered that federal judges are not appointed based on their hotness, at least not exclusively (not even by President Clinton). Cf. Fili-BUSTED ("Obviously attractiveness cannot be the most important quality of the Judicial Diva.... After all, we're talking about Judicial Divas."). And with respect to the female hotties, one must also keep in mind the demographics of the federal bench, which is 80 percent male, and also, due to the record of professional achievement generally required for nomination, on the older side. Viewed in this light, the fact that UTR was able to come up with twelve female nominees, as well as eight supplemental female hotties, is by itself impressive.

Let us now turn our attention to the election returns. Voting for the female superhotties was definitely skewed towards the top, with the five biggest vote-getters receiving over 80 percent of the vote. Latina judges did very well, with Hispanic hotties taking three out of the top five spots. California judges also made a strong showing, taking four out of five places -- perhaps voter turnout was higher on the West Coast. (One has to wonder: Consistent with stereotypes, do West Coast lawyers care more about appearance than their East Coast counterparts?)

Listed below are the top five vote-getters among hot female judges, who now have the right to call themselves Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary. Furthermore, as first reported here by the ABA Journal, the Superhotties will be receiving official UTR T-shirts that will read: "Take Judicial Notice: I'm a Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary!" (A3G will be in touch with the winners to find out their desired T-shirt size.)

And the winners are:

5. The Hot. Irma E. Gonzalez (S.D. Cal.)

Judge Gonzalez, who received 7.0 percent of the vote, takes fifth place, receiving an honorable mention. Voters who have been lucky enough to see Judge Gonzalez face to face have nothing but praise for her attractiveness. In the words of one voter, "Having seen her in person, I must vote for Irma Gonzalez!"

Judge Gonzalez is also a favorite of UTR. In a piece about the SFJ contest that appeared in the July 16, 2004 edition of the Daily Journal (alas, subscription required), Judge Gonzalez had the following to say about the competition and her nomination:

I've gotten e-mails from friends all over the country. It came as a big surprise. I think it's funny. And I'm in good company. All those women are very handsome and very talented. . . . I think it was in jest. And some very flattering things are being said. We all take our jobs seriously and sometimes they can be isolating. As long as people understand it is in jest.

Article III Groupie is pleased to see that at least some judges -- such as Judge Gonzalez, Judge Goodwin (who said he was "honored to be on such an illustrious list"), and of course Judge Kozinski -- are accepting the SFJ contest in the spirit of good-natured fun with which it was offered. After all, few things are more sexy than a good sense of humor!

4. The Hot. Nora M. Manella (C.D. Cal.)

Judge Manella comes in fourth among the female hotties, receiving 9.6 percent of the vote. "It's gotta be Judge Nora Manella," according to one voter. "No contest. I almost feel bad for the other nominees. Almost."

UTR may love Judge Manella -- but the feeling, unfortunately, is not mutual. In the Daily Journal piece, Judge Manella declared that the SFJ competition "makes me reconsider my support of the First Amendment." Ouch! Judge Manella then observed, "It puts me in mind of my grandmother's favorite aphorism, 'fools' names and fools' faces are often found in public places.'"

Well, only a fool would dispute Judge Manella's beauty! UTR extends its congratulations to this distinguished jurist, even if she may not exactly want them...

3. The Hot. Lourdes G. Baird (C.D. Cal.)

Taking third place among the female hotties, with 14.0 percent of the ballots cast, Judge Baird assumes her rightful spot as a Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary. As one UTR reader wrote, "Juecita Baird is the hottest judge of all!"

Judge Baird was the beneficiary of a last minute surge in her support, with a slew of votes arriving within hours of the voting deadline. (Perhaps a former clerk organized a get-out-the-vote campaign?) Regardless of how she came by her electoral success, Judge Baird is a worthy winner. When that black robe hits the floor, Judge Baird gets jiggy with it, metamorphosing into the Dancing Queen of the Central District! "After watching Judge Baird let her hair down at the Ninth Circuit Judicial Conference," raved one voter, "I can state with confidence that she dances better in her 60's than most do in their 20's!"

2. The Hot. Kim McLane Wardlaw (9th Cir.)

"Va-va-voom!" Is that the sound of Judge Wardlaw's Jaguar? Actually, no -- it was what a UTR reader wrote when enthusiastically casting his vote for Judge Wardlaw. Rounding out the trio of West Coast Latinas in the top five female hotties, Judge Wardlaw comes in as the #2 female superhottie, earning 16.7 percent of the vote. As another UTR voter stated, "Being faithful to my Ninth Circuit roots (though I've met Judge Wood and agree with your assessment), I must cast my vote for Judge Wardlaw. That was a fun clerkship interview! :-)"

If you ever find yourself with some time on your hands and seeking a little amusement, go to the Greedy Clerks message board and run a search for "Wardlaw." You'll come across posts claiming that Judge Wardlaw is something of a Judicial Diva, as pointed out here, and you'll find messages asserting that a clerkship with Judge Wardlaw can be a less than delightful experience (see, e.g., here and here). (A3G takes no position on the accuracy of these posts, which she urges her readers to take with the proverbial grain of salt.) But even if Judge Wardlaw can be hard on her clerks, there's no disputing that she's easy on the eyes!

1. The Hot. Kimba M. Wood (S.D.N.Y.)

And now, UTR proudly presents the #1 female Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary: Judge Kimba M. Wood! Judge Wood prevails with a whopping 35.1 percent of the vote, receiving over twice the number of votes as Judge Wardlaw, her nearest competitor. And so, even though California judges took fifth through second place on the female side -- an impressive showing for the West Coast -- it appears that East Coast voters rallied around Judge Wood as their candidate.

Voters sang Judge Wood's praises without reservation. A clerk for another judge at 40 Foley Square confirmed that she "is indeed a lovely and brilliant woman" (as UTR originally noted here). Another clerk, who was fortunate enough to interview with Judge Wood, stated that she is a "total superhottie. I could barely concentrate! Maybe that is why she rejected me." Even the pseudo-scandals concerning Judge Wood's relationship with Frank Richardson and her withdrawn nomination for Attorney General did not hurt her; one voter commended Judge Wood for seeming "very real."

This voter for Judge Wood summed it up quite nicely: "If Kimba Wood is not the winner, there is surely no justice in law. While all of the nominees are, I'll concede, hot, she has so much foxiness it hurts." Or consider this less eloquent but more pithy commentary: "Kimba Wood. Kimba Wood. Kimba Wood. Wow. She is hot."

It should be noted that Judge Wood, like her fellow female superhotties, possesses other important qualities besides beauty. Judge Wood impresses the lawyers who appear before her not just with her dazzling appearance, but with her mastery of the law and the facts. In her profile in the Almanac of the Federal Judiciary (again, subscription needed), lawyers praised her excellent courtroom demeanor, her thorough and extensive preparation, and her "first-rate intellect." (As one lawyer quipped, in praising Judge Wood's ability to see through specious arguments of counsel, "She doesn't need to eat the whole barrel to know it's not a pickle.")

Indeed, Judge Wood takes her work as a judge very seriously -- perhaps too seriously. As she opined in this interview, "Judges are not celebrities. They speak through their decisions."

Hmm -- methinks the hottie doth protest too much! It is ironic that Judge Wood, one of the few federal judges to appear in tabloid headlines and gossip columns, should fail to recognize federal judicial celebrity. Judge Wood is a brilliant woman, but Article III Groupie must submit a motion for reconsideration challenging her statement that judges are not celebrities. The premise of UTR, as one can glean from its mission statement, can be set forth as follows: "Federal judges are celebrities, of a sort, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is no inconsistency between being (1) a highly intelligent, hardworking, conscientious federal judge, and (2) an absolutely fabulous judicial celebrity!"

If you harbor any doubt on this score, you need look no further than the judicial hotties discussed above. As Judge Wood herself demonstrates, brains and beauty sometimes are found in each other's company. As Judge Gonzalez demonstrates, faithfully discharging one's judicial duties and having a sense of humor are not mutually exclusive. And so, along with her congratulations (as well as the forthcoming T-shirts), Article III Groupie offers this message to the female superhotties: "Don't hide your beauty; celebrate it! Don't deny your celebrity; revel in it! Girl, you're a Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary!"

Taking her hat off to the hotties,

Article III Groupie

P.S. Stay tuned: the male superhotties are not far behind. (For a definition of anticlimax, click here.)

Banging Her Own Gavel: A3G's Identity, and SFJ Voting Timetables

Welcome to Banging Her Own Gavel: UTR Navel-Gazing by A3G. As its title suggests, in this category Article III Groupie will offer her thoughts on, well, herself and her blog. Of course, A3G often shares with her readers self-indulgent commentary about herself in the course of discussing other topics, but "Banging Her Own Gavel" will focus on A3G and UTR to a particularly high degree. (For a definition of navel-gazing, please click here.)

Today's post will address two matters:

1. Article III Groupie's Identity. Regrettably, A3G cannot address any of the speculation concerning her identity, and she can offer no information on this topic other than what appears here. But she is deeply flattered, as well as amused, by the interest that some people appear to be taking in who she is (see, e.g., this post). Several readers have asked her out on dates, and some have requested, in response to UTR's contest to auction off dates with Supreme Court clerks, that Article III Groupie auction off a date with herself. Unfortunately, due to her aspirations to federal judicial diva-dom, A3G must keep her identity a secret. (And if you would like her to continue publishing UTR, please respect her privacy and refrain from making her identity a matter of public record. Instead, derive the private satisfaction of an insider from your knowledge about who she is.)

A3G is touched by all of the publicity and fan mail that she has received (which she encourages you to continue sending). But as one of the Great Unwashed, a term discussed in detail here, A3G is not worthy of such an avalanche of attention. Nor does she merit attention as the proprietress of "Underneath Their Robes." In this capacity, she is merely a public servant, bringing the Promethean fire of federal judicial gossip to a world shrouded in darkness about these judicial celebrities.

(Article III Groupie has, however, joined Friendster. Please feel free to become her "friend" for Friendster purposes. You can locate her by conducting a user search for her e-mail address, which is [email protected]. In her profile, A3G selected Lebanon, Kansas, as her location because it is the geographic center of the lower 48 states. The age provided in her profile is within a few years of her actual age.)

2. Procedural Improprieties in the Superhotties Voting. Article III Groupie takes the integrity of the voting in the Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary contest very seriously (as well she should, given what is at stake). She must therefore address the valid concerns of possible procedural improprieties raised by Howard Bashman of How Appealing. Mr. Bashman, incidentally, been a great friend of UTR, bringing the site to the attention of thousands of his readers, and A3G deeply admires him for his wonderful blawg, which is a great resource. Because of her respect for him, A3G feels compelled to respond to his concerns.

Concerning UTR's Hotties in the Holding Pen post, in which A3G listed various judicial nominees who were brought to her attention too late for inclusion in the voting, Mr. Bashman writes:

Really untimely nominees for the title of "Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary": Unlike Ninth Circuit Judge Alex Kozinski, who was given relief from the nomination deadline because he nominated himself, these other untimely nominees apparently didn't nominate themselves, and therefore you aren't allowed to vote for them. You can still read about them, however, in this post at the blog "Underneath Their Robes."

Article III Groupie must clarify the sequence of events for the benefit of her readers. In this post, on June 12, 2004, she announced the original nominations deadline of June 18, 2004. But then, in this post on June 19, 2004, A3G extended the nominations deadline indefinitely:

Due to the impositions of Article III Groupie's day job, which is requiring her to work on a Saturday night, UTR will be taking a slight hiatus. . . . In the meantime, please feel free to send in more nominations; the nomination period has been extended indefinitely (in part because of work, but in part because of a dearth of nominees on the male side; if you can think of any judicial hunks, please e-mail me).

On June 28, 2004, A3G published Judge Kozinski's self-nomination (which she had actually received several days earlier, on June 24, 2004). Because of the extension of the nomination period, as announced on June 19, 2004, Judge Kozinski's self-nomination was timely. A3G could have corrected Judge Kozinski about this, because in his self-nomination he requetsed relief from the filing deadline, but she thought it would be more amusing to leave in his humorous comments about the Ninth Circuit's loosey-goosey jurisprudence concerning deadlines.

When Article III Groupie published Judge Kozinski's self-nomination, she also announced, near the end of the post, a new nominations deadine of July 2, 2004. The judicial hottie nominees discussed in "Hotties in the Holding Pen" were all received after this new and final deadline of July 2, 2004. Thus, A3G did not show any favoritism towards Judge Kozinski by including him as a nominee while excluding the "hotties in the holding pen."

Article III Groupie apologizes for any confusion that her posts may have created concerning the nomination and voting deadlines, and she hopes that this post has clarified matters. She thanks her readers for all of their nominations and votes, and she looks forward to reporting the winners in the near future.

Sincerely,

Article III Groupie

Hotties in the Holding Pen: Untimely SFJ Nominations

Article III Groupie will be announcing the winners of UTR's Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary ("SFJ") contest at some point over the next few days. (For the full list of official nominees, click here.) A3G is currently in the process of verifying the accuracy of her vote count, to forestall litigation by non-prevailing hotties, and preparing the announcement post. She understands how the suspense is keeping hundreds of lawyers awake at night--to say nothing of the anxiety being suffered by the nominated hotties (e.g., Kozinski, J.)!

Indeed, she received the following letter from one reader, inquiring into the reason for the delay:

Can we assume the Florida voting is once again delaying the process? Of course, if the matter needs to be heard by the Supreme Court, only eight will sit, as Souter, J., will have to recuse himself (but perhaps not if he had gone duck hunting with you).

Sincerely,

A law school classmate of Judge Sutton

(who, as a straight male, has never viewed Judge Sutton as "hot," but he must have something going to be a nominee)

A3G assures you that she is working as hard as she can to tabulate and double-check the hundreds of votes that she has received, and she will report the certified results with all deliberate speed. In the meantime, however, there is a related matter that she would like to address.

As explained here, the deadline for submitting SFJ nominations was Friday, July 2, 2004. But many worthy judicial hotties were brought to A3G's attention after this deadline, through attempted nominations and also "write in" votes. Unfortunately, the courthouse doors are closed to out-of-time hotties, who are procedurally barred from consideration in this year's SFJ competititon. Article III Groupie is a stickler for deadlines, and she refuses to entertain argument as to why an untimely nomination should be accepted.

Equitable tolling based on excusable neglect, you say? My darling readers, A3G loves you all dearly. But there is simply no excuse for neglecting her delicious blog of federal judicial gossip! Compliance with the nominations deadline is jurisdictional, and the merits of an untimely hottie nomination cannot be reached. Thus, even flattery--e.g., "Article III Groupie, I didn't learn about your delightful blawg until I read the Newsweek piece and/or the ABA Journal article"--will get you nowhere. (Right now some of you are clucking disapprovingly, "What shameless self-promotion and raging egoism. How appalling!" To which A3G responds: "Diva is as diva does!")

Nevertheless, in an act of public service--this is her pro bono work for the year!--Article III Groupie will "supplement the record," by sharing with her readership the following list of late-breaking, up-and-coming judicial hotties (as she previously promised to do here). (As noted above, you may not vote for the judicial hotties listed below (and the deadine for voting has passed already anyway); this is for informational purposes only.)

Female hotties:

1. The Hot. Carol Bagley Amon (E.D.N.Y.)

Judge Amon, 58, is a 1990 appointee of President George H.W. Bush. In June 1999, a juror sent Judge Amon a note complaining about the dilatory conduct of certain lawyers at trial. The note also offered a complaint of a different sort: "We men are particularly distracted by the judge, who is so hot we're afraid she's going to set off the smoke alarm."

Ouch--A3G just burnt her fingers on Judge Amon's sizzling bench! Did someone just shout "fire" in a crowded courtroom, or did Judge Amon just enter the room? Judge Amon is so incendiary that even nuns have admired her beauty. Sister Charlotte Lange of Judge Amon's alma mater, St. Gertrude High School in Richmond, Virginia, described her former pupil as "very attractive, a stunning-looking woman." And nuns don't lie.

2. The Hot. Nancy Gertner (D. Mass.)

"Great list of nominees!" writes one UTR reader. "But I think no list of females is complete without Nancy Gertner, D. Mass." Indeed! If liberal judicial activism turns you on, then Judge Gertner is your angel in the centerfold (as explained here, here, and here).

Judge Gertner, 54, is a 1994 appointee of President Clinton (and a gal pal of Hillary, with whom she attended Yale Law School). A former criminal defense lawyer who teaches sentencing at Yale, this "brilliant liberal activist" is a sentencing guidelines guru (for whatever that's worth, post-Blakely). One prosecutorial correspondent of UTR reports that Judge Gertner treats the sentencing guidelines as a plaything, deftly manipulating them to reach her desired results. But her politics aside, when it comes to attractiveness, "Judge Gertner deserves an upward departure!"

3. The Hot. Edith H. Jones (5th Cir.)

One UTR reader submitted his votes under protest, reluctantly voting for one of the official nominees "given that you failed to nominate the Fifth Circuit's Edith Jones. Have you ever seen her official portrait in the Fifth Circuit Courthouse?"

Judge Jones, 55, is a 1985 Reagan appointee. Under President George H.W. Bush, this right-wing judicial diva almost made it to the Supreme Court. She was interviewed by President Bush for the Supreme Court seat that eventually went to the Hot. David H. Souter, but President Bush found her abrasive and chilly manner so off-putting that he ended up going with his fellow Yankee, with whom he felt more comfortable personally. (What a mistake that was! "Et tu, Souter?")

Judge Jones is still quite young, and her name comes up regularly on Supreme Court short-lists for a Republican administration (see here, here, and here). But it may be difficult for this "Federalist Society pin-up girl" to win Senate confirmation, given her reputation as a "horsewoman of the right-wing apocalypse" (see here). Indeed, according to one story making the rounds, Judge Jones once complained to a defense lawyer that his client's last-minute death penalty appeal was keeping her from attending a birthday party. Death row inmates? "Let them eat cake!"

4. The Hot. Yvette Kane (M.D. Pa.)

The name of Judge Kane, 51, "is conspicuously absent" from the list of judicial hotties, writes one UTR reader. "She's as good-looking as she is a great golfer. The country club and the federal judiciary are better off for her presence!" Judge Kane, a former state prosecutrix, was appointed to the federal bench in 1998 by President Clinton (who has been crowned "the world's sleaziest golfer"). Fore!

5. The Hot. Colleen McMahon (S.D.N.Y.)

Judge McMahon, 53, is "quite pretty," as well as "a stylish dresser off the bench." A former partner at the New York litigation powerhouse of Paul Weiss, Judge McMahon is very active in the Episcopal Diocese of New York, which recently honored her with the Servant of Justice Award. She has written two collections of religious meditations, teaches Sunday school, and serves as a lay preacher. "Praise be to God" for this devout judicial hottie! Judge McMahon was appointed in 1998 by President Clinton (who is known to have a weakness for women).

6. The Hot. Pamela Ann Rymer (9th Cir.)

Multiple UTR readers complained about the omission from the superhotties nominees of Judge Rymer, 63, who is "very elegant" and "always perfectly coiffed." She is, however, something of a mystery outside the courtroom. This bachelorette judge leads a very discreet private life; even her clerks are in the dark over what's going on beneath her robe. Judge Rymer was appointed to the district court (C.D. Cal.) by President Reagan in 1983, and she was elevated to the Ninth Circuit by President George H.W. Bush in 1989.

7. The Hot. Stephanie K. Seymour (10th Cir.)

What?! President Clinton appointed the Victoria's Secret model to the Tenth Circuit? Actually, no. Judge Seymour, 64, may share a name with the supermodel--but the supermodel never went to Harvard Law School! Although she has never graced the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Judge Seymour is "a very handsome woman" who is "quite attractive" in her own right. Judge Seymour was appointed by President Carter to the Tenth Circuit in 1979, and she served as chief judge from 1994 to 2000.

8. The Hot. Karen J. Williams (4th Cir.)

Judge Williams, 53, "runs circles around your nominated crew!" (Her nominator blames her exclusion on anti-conservative, anti-Fourth Circuit bias.) Judge Williams was described in the New York Times Magazine as "a tall, slender woman with delicate features and a regal carriage" (in this piece, a thinly veiled attack upon the Fourth Circuit). A "lovely Southern belle," Judge Williams is known around Orangeburg, South Carolina, as "Miss Karen" (despite being married; as her nominator explains, "the first thing one must learn about Orangeburg is that every woman is referred to as Miss"). The well-heeled Miss Karen has a private plane, in case she ever needs to get to Richmond in a hurry, and "a personal shopper, to keep her looking elegant." Judge Williams, a 1992 appointee of President George H.W. Bush, is perhaps most well-known as the author of the Fourth Circuit's opinion, later reversed by the Supreme Court in Dickerson v. United States, holding that Miranda v. Arizona had been overruled by statute.

Male hotties:

1. The Hot. Mark W. Bennett (N.D. Iowa)

Had he been nominated, Chief Judge Bennett, 54, "would have swept to victory as if virtually unopposed!" According to this UTR correspondent, Chief Judge Bennett is "attractive, charismatic, interesting, and creative. As an attorney, his Hotness used a cartoon--I think The Far Side--in an appellate brief to the 8th Circuit." A3G appreciates a man with a sense of humor! Chief Judge Bennett was appointed to the district court by President Clinton in 1994, and he became chief judge in 1999.

2. The Hot. Frank H. Easterbrook (7th Cir.)

"I'd like to write in for Frank Easterbrook for the 'bear' subcategory of Article III hottie," writes one UTR fan. "Not only is Judge Easterbrook large, single, possessed of a deep and growling voice, and hirsute in the extreme, he vacations in Alaska and has been frequently cited as an authority on professional football. Frank Easterbrook: Article III hot bear!" Wow--A3G is ready to be this bear's honey pot!

Judge Easterbrook, 56, was appointed to the Seventh Circuit by President Reagan in 1985. Like some of the biggest judicial celebrities--such as his colleague Judge Richard Posner, the inimitable Guido, and of course Justice Antonin Scalia--Judge Easterbrook is a former law school professor. (A Chicago correspondent points out that Judge Posner and Judge Easterbrook still teach one or two courses a year as lecturers at the law school. This reader also notes that Easterbrook, "a confirmed bachelor with a cat or two," was "a confirmed law school hottie who knew it," back in the day.)

And now, a slight detour. Speaking of Judge Easterbrook, has everyone read his saucy dissent in United States v. Booker, the Seventh Circuit's opinion construing the Supreme Court's recent opinion in Blakely v. Washington? Talk about bench-slappery! (And bench-slappery of his brilliant colleague Judge Posner, no less.) Here are some positively "Nino"-licious excerpts:

--"Why did the Justices deploy [the phrase 'statutory maximum'] in Apprendi and repeat it in Blakely (and quite a few other decisions)? Just to get a chuckle at the expense of other judges who took them seriously and thought that 'statutory maximum' might have something to do with statutes?"

--"Phrases such as 'it seems plain' are poor substitutes for authority in the Constitution's text or interpretive history."

--"Today's decision will discombobulate the whole criminal-law docket. I trust that our superiors will have something to say about this. Soon."

Meow! Does somebody need to be declawed?

(Yes, Article III Groupie knows what some of you are thinking. "Quotation from actual judicial opinions in the pages of UTR--is this the start of a troubling trend?" Don't worry, there is no cause for alarm; this is as far as A3G will go. If you're looking for actual legal analysis of Blakely and its circuit court progeny, go somewhere else (e.g., Professor Doug Berman's excellent sentencing blog, or Dahlia Lithwick's smart and funny article for Slate). A3G doesn't do windows, nor does she do substantive legal analysis, which she wisely leaves to others.)

Blakely doesn't have much of an effect on A3G's professional life, since her practice is not criminal--even though the hours she's forced to work sure are! (Yes, A3G once worked on a "white-collar matter," but it was not exactly Den of Thieves. After reviewing documents for a week, she shipped them off to the SEC instead of opposing counsel. Très sexy...) But A3G loves Blakely, even though she's not a criminal defense lawyer. Why? Blakely can be viewed as the federal judicial equivalent of the red carpet on Oscars night--it brings out all the stars!

Article III Groupie's head is spinning from all the Blakely action. Federal judicial royalty is turning out in force to parse this problematic precedent, and circuit splits are erupting all over the place. And A3G loves her some circuit splits, the federal judicial equivalent of a gang rumble between the Jets and the Sharks!

Circuit splits are the Article III analog to gang warfare, a la West Side Story. "Seventh Circuit's in gear / Our cylinders are clickin' / Fifth Circuit'll steer clear / 'Cause every judge of theirs is a lousy chicken!"

Major opinions analyzing Blakely are being penned by F.3d's marquee names. Everywhere A3G looks, there goes another brilliant judicial superstar, weighing in on the Sixth Amendment, Apprendi, and the fate of the federal sentencing guidelines:

"Hey, it's Judge Posner!"

"That big hairy guy over there--isn't that Judge Easterbrook?"

"Oh wow, there goes Chief Judge John Walker of the Second Circuit. Did you know he's President Bush's cousin?"

"Oh look, it's Judge Cassell of Utah, the former celebrity professor who tried to get Miranda overruled. He's one of the Elect!"

Just like Joan Rivers, your loyal correspondent is on the scene, fawning over the great legal minds that have accepted the Blakely challenge. This exchange between Article III Groupie and Judge Posner was overheard on the Blakely red carpet:

A3G: "Your Honor, Your Honor! Who are you wearing?"

Judge Posner: "Why, hello Ms. Groupie! It's so nice to see you again. As you might guess, my robe is by Murphy Robes."

A3G: "Of course, Your Honor. But what about underneath your robe?"

(Judge Posner, by the way, is also "a tad bit sexy," as noted by one Chicago-based reader of UTR. Yes, he does have a "strange resemblance to Mr. Burns" of The Simpsons. Compare Posner with Burns. But there's no denying that Judge Posner has a beautiful mind. As one Chicago attorney told UTR, "My legal assistant really has the hots for Judge Posner. But I don't think it has much to do with his looks!")

3. The Hot. Julio M. Fuentes (3d Cir.)

"I once had a case in front of Julio Fuentes," writes one UTR reader. "He certainly impressed two of my law students." To the extent that personality contributes to attractiveness, Judge Fuentes only grows more appealing, due to his being "extremely nice" and "a real gentleman." A former state court judge, Judge Fuentes, 58, was appointed to the Third Circuit by President Clinton in 2000.

4. The Hot. John Gleeson (E.D.N.Y.)

Judge Gleeson, 51, is "eminently appealing," in a "boyishly cute" way, according to readers who have had the pleasure of meeting him. Like nominated female hottie Judge Raggi, Judge Gleeson is an alum of the U.S. Attorney's Office for the Eastern District of New York, where he appears to have served as chief of practically every division at one point or another (e.g., appeals, organized crime, special prosecutions, and the criminal division). Sorry, ladies, but A3G is as disappointed as you are: Judge Gleeson is married with two daughters, as noted in this detailed bio. Judge Gleeson was appointed in 1994 by President Clinton.

5. The Hot. Henry H. Kennedy, Jr. (D.D.C.)

The "dashing" Judge Kennedy, 56, was appointed in 1997 by President Clinton. As noted in this detailed profile, he is the brother of Professor Randall Kennedy of Harvard Law School (Judge Kennedy's alma mater). Judge Kennedy is something of "a judicial Doogie Howser," becoming the youngest federal magistrate ever appointed, at age 28, and the youngest D.C. Superior Court judge ever appointed, at age 31. (And like Doogie Howser, he is a Princeton graduate.) Judge Kennedy served on the D.C. Superior Court for almost 18 years before his appointment to the district court.

6. The Hot. George P. Schiavelli (C.D. Cal.)

"Next year you'll have to include newly confirmed hottie George Schiavelli," writes one reader. A former state court judge, Judge Schiavelli, 56, was appointed by President George W. Bush earlier this year--to the still-warm district court seat formerly occupied by Judge Lourdes G. Baird, a nominated female hottie who recently took senior status. Talk about being in the "hot seat"!

7. The Hot. Ricardo M. Urbina (D.D.C.)

Judge Urbina, 58, is "pretty hunky," "tall and smooth." (The reader who submitted Judge Urbina's picture warned that it's "not a great picture of him.") Judge Urbina, formerly a D.C. superior court judge, was appointed to the federal district bench by President Clinton in 1994. Like a certain other Ricky, Judge Urbina can shake his bon-bon with A3G any time!

********************

And so there they are--the judicial hotties who narrowly missed making it as nominees for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary. Although the foregoing supplemental hotties are not eligible for consideration in this year's competition, perhaps they will make it on to next year's slate of candidates. After all, federal judicial hotties are a dynamic group. New and sizzling judicial buttocks are being planted on the Article III bench every year, while once firm buttocks turn flabby. So if you submitted a late judicial hottie nomination, please remain a loyal reader of UTR, and renew your application when the competition starts up again next year!

XOXO,

Article III Groupie

P.S. Yes, yes, A3G realizes that you're dying to learn of the winners of the Superhotties contest. And yes, she admits she's trying to drag out the competition as long as possible, milking it for all it's worth. (She knows that you'll all abandon her after she has crowned the judicial superhotties.) But don't worry, you'll be hearing all about the winners very soon, either later this weekend or early next week...

Justice Is Blind: Federal Judicial Lonelyhearts Hungry for Company

As you all know, the deadline for voting in the Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary contest is just a few short hours away (Wednesday, July 14, at 11:59 p.m.). After the voting concludes, it may take Article III Groupie a while to count the votes and prepare a suitable announcement post.

A3G knows that you will miss her dearly over the next few days. So, to tide you over, she offers you this second installment of Justice is Blind, containing some new blind items of federal judicial gossip. (The first installment appeared here.) The theme of today's blind items might be: "Federal judges get lonely sometimes. And when they need company, or a little household help, they can always count on their law clerks to be their friends--or servants!"

She Gets By With A Little Help from Her "Friends": This southeastern district judge had her clerks pack her belongings so she could move out after she and her husband filed for divorce. The clerks had to spend an entire week going to her house to pack her up, instead of going into chambers. This judge also invited herself over for a vacation at the home of one of her clerks in a foreign country, where the clerk's family had to hire extra security to make sure the judge would feel safe.

Analyze This: Talk about "issue"-spotting! This Texan jurist has daily therapy sessions. And law clerk attendance at the judge's annual pilates recital is "so ordered."

Underneath Her Parka: This West Coast appeals court judge required her clerks to go on a ski vacation with her this past winter. Clerks had to pay their own way--and there was mandatory hot tub time with the boss! Lest you think that time in the judicial jacuzzi might actually be a fringe benefit of this clerkship, let the record reflect that the judge in question is not a judicial hottie. (And are you sure those bubbles are from the jacuzzi?)

Driving Judge Daisy: This California district judge, who should probably just retire on account of his age and decrepitude (he uses a walker), forces his clerks to chauffeur him everywhere.

Certiorari Denied! This New York trial judge sought to divorce her husband on the ground of constructive abandonment--after he refused to have sex with her for over a year. (A3G expects a writ of mandamus to issue forthwith...)

Thanks to UTR's readers for these scoops. Please continue to submit proposed "Justice Is Blind" items, especially tales of law clerk oppression, by e-mail. Article III Groupie is keeping an eye out for them!

Further affiant sayeth not,

Article III Groupie

P.S. The Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary contest, including Judge Kozinski's awesome contributions (see here and here), is UTR's claim to fame. But "Underneath Their Robes" has so much more to offer. While waiting for the Superhotties results, check out these favorites of Article III Groupie (yes, she does love the sound of her own voice): Bench-Slapped! Reinhardt v. O'Scannlain (discussing Ninth Circuit cat-fights), Inbreeding at One First Street (A3G's bitter rant over how not getting a Supreme Court clerkship ruined her life), and Fili-BUSTED! Magnificent judicial divas stopped dead in their tracks. Also, don't overlook UTR's mission statement, which justifies A3G's obsession with federal judicial celebrities.

Superhotties Fallout: UTR Corrections and Clarifications

My goodness! Article III Groupie -- or "A3G," as Judge Alex Kozinski affectionately calls her (see here) -- had no idea that the nomination of candidates for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary would be so contentious. Forget the heated arguments going on within the legal community over Blakely v. Washington, or the Supreme Court's decisions in the "war on terrorism" cases. The readers of UTR are ready to go to war -- over which federal judges got it goin' on underneath the robes!

The Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary contest has been greeted by nationwide media attention, from such outlets as Newsweek, in this article, and the ABA Journal, in this article. The competition has also been discussed in highly influential, widely read blogs such as How Appealing and Gawker. (Indeed, "Underneath Their Robes" might be described as the illegitimate offspring of these two blogs.)

UTR's federal judicial beauty pageant has ignited a firestorm of controversy, with readers flooding A3G's mailbox with impassioned letter briefs in support of their favorite judicial hotties. As a result, A3G is practically drowning in superhottie votes and related reader mail. If you have written to her recently and are awaiting a response, she apologizes for any delay in getting back to you; it's difficult to keep up with both the frenzy surrounding the superhotties contest and her day job as law firm document drone. It may also take A3G a few days after the close of voting to announce the winners, so she requests your patience and kind indulgence in advance.

The twenty-one judges nominated for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary were first announced on July 7, 2004, in this post. Article III Groupie is now writing to point out certain corrections and additions that she has made to the original nominations announcement post, as well as to offer various clarifying comments about some of the nominees. And in a subsequent post, she will "supplement the record" concerning federal judicial hotties, by mentioning certain juicy jurists that were brought to her attention after the close of nominations.

UTR Corrections and Comments:

1. For those of you who viewed the post announcing the nominations fairly early in the game, you may wish to revisit it (which you can do by clicking here). Article III Groupie has added new pictures of Judge Gonzalez, Judge Hull, Judge Seitz, and Judge Roberts (for which she thanks her correspondents). If these pictures alter your assessments, please feel free to change your votes, but kindly do so before Wednesday, July 14, at 11:59 p.m.

2. As explained here, UTR is not afraid to acknowledge its mistakes, and Article III Groupie brings important corrections to the attention of her readers. She now has a significant correction to point out concerning nominated hottie Judge Robert A. Katzmann (known around 40 Foley Street as "the Rock," a nickname arising out of his initials, RAK). Unfortunately, Judge Katzmann was romantically linked in the original nominations post to the wrong Hollywood hottie. The prior version of the post (which has since been corrected) reported that he had been seen in the company of Natasha Richardson. A UTR reader offers the following correction:

[W]e should clear up this Natasha Richardson nonsense. Ms. Richardson, although still lovely, is a veritable crone compared to the woman who is actually the actress linked by British tabloids to hizzoner. That would be Natascha McElhone, the Irish beauty. Your nominator, I suppose, heard the story but misremembered the actress in question.

Check out their pictures (which you can do by clicking on the link for each actress). Wow! Article III Groupie agrees that Ms. McElhone is even more magnificent than Ms. Richardson. Who knew that a federal judge could win such a prize? As the old saying goes, "The judicial power of the United States is the ultimate aphrodisiac!"

3. Supporters of Judge Wood, who is by all accounts both "a brilliant jurist" and "a lovely person," have questioned whether the original post's discussion of Judge Wood might have placed her in an unflattering light, by making her seem like the federal judiciary's answer to Hester Prynne (or, for all you non-readers, Britney Spears). Judge Wood's advocates have argued that such negative coverage might unfairly affect her bid for superhottie status (surely a worthy consolation prize for the post of Attorney General). Early election returns suggest that, if anything, the whiff of scandal has only enhanced Judge Wood's candidacy. But Article III Groupie has conducted further research, at the request of these readers, which has revealed the following facts about Judge Wood:

(a) When Judge Wood and Frank Richardson were dating, Judge Wood and her husband Michael Kramer were already officially seperated, and the terms of their separation agreement allowed them to see other people. Indeed, before she started dating Richardson, Judge Wood availed herself of this freedom to go out on a date with ABC anchorman Peter Jennings. (They went to the movies and saw Schindler's List.)

(b) Kramer issued a statement to the New York Observer in which he stated that the problems with his marriage to Judge Wood were "of long standing, and I view them to be my fault."

(c) Judge Wood and Frank Richardson were classmates at Harvard Law School, where Richardson first developed a crush on Wood. The pair kept in touch over the years, enjoying annual lunches together. When they met up for lunch in March 1995, they both acknowledged troubled marriages, and things proceeded from there. Their romantic relationship began as an outgrowth out of their rekindled friendship; as Richardson explained, they started off as "just two hearts talking."

(d) When Nancy Richardson introduced Frank's diaries into evidence at their divorce proceedings, to support her claim that he committed adultery, Frank Richardson's lawyer responded that the diary entries were merely "the romantic musings of a bygone era," not references to an extramarital affair.

(e) As for her stint as a Playboy bunny, Judge Wood briefly explored such employment as a possible way to help put herself through the world-renowned London School of Economics (also attended by Mick Jagger, as noted here). After finding that working as a bunny was not to her liking, she departed after only a few days of training.

(For those of you with free Lexis-Nexis access, the articles from which most of the above information was gleaned appeared on August 11, 1995, in the Washington Post and over the Associated Press newswire. The Post -- Washington, of course, not New York -- referred to the foregoing events as "[t]he summer's most meaningless scandal." The New York Post, in contrast, exhibited an inordinate and unseemly interest in these happenings, which it covered excessively, as claimed here by Ken Auletta.)

Here are two additional tidbits about Judge Wood that do not relate to her good character but may be of interest to some UTR readers:

--Shortly after Judge Wood returned to work after the vacation she took to escape the media circus during the summer of 1995, one of her first cases was, as described by the Washington Post, "a lawsuit by the Hormel Foods Corp. charging Jim Henson Productions with trademark violation because a villainous and boarish Muppet in an upcoming film [wa]s named Spa'am." The New York Post nemorably referred to the Spa'am litigation as "the meatiest case of the day." (To find out the outcome of the litigation, click here.) Of course, now that Spam is hated the world over, as a term for internet junk mail -- even appearing in the title of a piece of legislation, the CAN-SPAM Act of 2003 -- it seems that Hormel has bigger mystery meats to fry!

--The gorgeous lavender dress that Judge Wood wore to the New York City Ballet opening, discussed in the original nominations post, is believed by the majority of UTR respondents to be an Oscar de la Renta gown (although a minority view advocates Carolina Herrera).

4. In the original post announcing the nominees, Article III Groupie offered the following aside concerning Justice Souter: "Groupie, J., would dismiss the writ as improvidently granted. But as they say, 'De gustibus non disputandum est!'" (If you want the ultimate proof that "there's no disputing taste," consider this ardent love poem to Justice Ginsburg, adapted from Christopher Marlowe's The Passionate Shepherd to His Love. A3G has previously opined on Justice Ginsburg's desperate need for the Queer-Eye-for-the-Straight-Justice treatment, in this post.)

Concerning her comments on Justice Souter, one reader asked A3G: "[W]hen you say you'd dismiss the writ as improvidently granted, I know you're just making an inside joke about how much you DIG him. Aren't you?" Alas, no; this reader gives Article III Groupie more credit than she deserves. Abusing her prerogatives as proprietress of "Underneath Their Robes," A3G was engaging in wanton editorializing, imposing her own subjective views of Justice Souter's attractiveness upon her readership. She feels guilty for her conduct, however, and so she will publish the following letter from a Souter partisan, to provide some much-needed editorial balance:

Dear GROUPIE, J.:

While I was of course thrilled to see my nominee SOUTER, J., among the full slate of judicial superhottie nominees, I nevertheless feel I must file an amicus brief on the man's behalf. I fear you may have become a bit too enamored with a certain sprightly, near-elven Italian Second Circuit judge and followed his example by exposing your own views and prejudices, thus tainting the deliberative process so integral to the proper election of super-hot jurists.

For example, while SOUTER, J., "may not seem like an obvious choice" to GROUPIE, J., she must understand that her palpable influence may sway her more intellectually malleable followers. To comment that she "would dismiss the writ as improvidently granted" further evinces what should be [her privately held] views on the subject's prospects . . . .

Moreover, the choice of images -- a photograph showing an unfairly haggard, despondent-looking SOUTER, J. -- may certainly sway potentially persuadable voters. The vast weight of the ocular precedent relating to SOUTER, J., suggests a fit, handsome federal judge of aristocratic carriage and appealing WASP features, with a penchant for Brooks Brothers rep ties in neat, four-in-hand knots. Compare Ex. A [Souter picture at near right, used by A3G in the July 7 nominations post] with Ex. B [Souter picture at far right, submitted by a Souter fan].

Particularly in comparison to his fellow Supreme Court justices, SOUTER, J., cuts an attractive, almost boyish figure, like a varsity prep school athlete amongst his less athletically-gifted peers. Cf. Ex. C [picture above of Supreme Court (presenting SOUTER, J., along with, inter alia, SCALIA, J., who displays the type of jowls attainable only through unrestrained, unaerobic study of the Federalist Papers, followed by plate after plate of duck confit)].

It is my sincerest hope that the court takes the foregoing points into consideration.

Wallowing in my inexplicable straight crush on SOUTER, J.,

[A male reader of UTR]

Confronted with such powerful evidence of her malfeasance, A3G pleads guilty -- to obstruction of justice! (To wit, Justice Souter.) Yes, Article III Groupie did pick the most unflattering picture of Justice Souter that she could find, in a calculated attempt to sabotage his superhottie candidacy. "And if it weren't for you meddling kids, she would've gotten away with it!" Article III Groupie blames her attempt to bias the voting on her unhealthy obsession with that high-handed congressional diva, Rep. Katherine Harris of Florida. A3G developed this fixation after watching this video over and over again, with the sound turned way up. (A3G's reaction to this video is perhaps the exact opposite of the response the video's creator hoped to engender...)

Having acknowledged her errors and even admitted to official misconduct, Article III Groupie has accepted responsibility for her actions, which has led her to set the record straight with respect to federal judicial hotties. She has now (1) provided UTR's readers with pictures of almost all the nominated hotties, (2) linked Judge Katzmann to the correct starlet, (3) amply established Judge Wood's sound moral character, and (4) shared with her readers an amicus brief on behalf of the unfairly maligned Justice Souter (including a kinder, gentler picture). Now she can sleep well, knowing that the integrity of the superhotties voting process has been restored, with all of the nominees receiving a fair shake.

So Article III Groupie has done her part for democracy. Now it's up to you, the readers of UTR, to make your voices heard. There are still two days left in the voting period, which ends on Wednesday, July 14, 2004, at 11:59 p.m. (Pacific time). Please send your ballots -- you may vote for one female nominee and one male nominee -- to me, Article III Groupie, by email.

Listening for the voice of the people,

Article III Groupie

Too Sexy For Their Robes: The Nominees for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary!

They are too sexy for their robes. Their milkshakes bring all the clerks to the yard. Everyone wants to get underneath the robes of these jurists. Who are they? Yes, you guessed it: the nominees for UTR's Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary!

The moment in American juris-prurience that you've all been waiting for is finally here. Twenty-one distinguished federal judges, twelve women and nine men, have been nominated for consideration as Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary. This all-star roster of judicial hotties is the Article III analogue to People magazine's annual list of the 50 Most Beautiful People. (Emphasis on "Article III"; to those of you who attempted to nominate magistrate or bankruptcy judges, please listen to this song.)

The nominees are listed below, in alphabetical order. The profile of each nominee includes a photograph, where available, and brief descriptive quotes from UTR readers, in the manner of Zagat restaurant reviews -- appropriately enough, because these judicial hotties are mouth-watering!

Article III Groupie apologizes for not having pictures of all of the nominees, as well as for the poor quality and small size of several of the images she does have. (Please note, however, that you can click on the thumbnail image of each judge for in camera inspection of their hotness!) Unfortunately, our nation's paparazzi have yet to discover the comeliness and sex appeal of the federal bench. A Google image search for "britney spears" generates 61,300 images, while a Google image search for "lourdes baird," our first nominee, generates four (4) images -- two of which are not even pictures of Judge Baird. The difficulty of obtaining pictures of these judicial hotties explains why the Superhotties contest regrettably lacks a swimsuit component. (If you happen to have better photographs of any of the nominees than the pictures that appear here, please submit them by email forthwith.)

The competition now moves into the voting stage. As previously explained here, please submit your votes by email, which you can do by clicking here. There will be no chads, hanging or otherwise, in this election -- the last thing Article III Groupie needs is any Bush v. Gore-style litigation, e.g., Kozinski v. Sutton! You may vote for one female superhottie and for one male superhottie. Votes will be accepted until Wednesday, July 14, 2004, at 11:59 p.m. (Pacific time, to give West Coast readers time to get their votes in). At some point after the close of the polls, the top three female vote-getters and the top three male vote-getters will be announced, in rank order, and crowned Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary! (And yes, prizes will be awarded.)

And now, without further ado, the nominees are:

Female nominees:

1. The Hot. Lourdes G. Baird (C.D. Cal.)

Judge Baird, 69, a native of Quito, Ecuador, worked as a prosecutrix prior to taking the bench. She served as U.S. Attorney for the Central District of California (Los Angeles) before President George H.W. Bush appointed her to the district court in 1992. Judge Baird was the first Hispanic woman to serve as a judge in the district, as reported here. This lovely Latina, whose photograph understates her attractiveness, leads UTR readers to exclaim, "Que rica!"

2. The Hot. Irma E. Gonzalez (S.D. Cal.)

Judge Gonzalez, 56, is "super good-looking," a "judicial J. Lo" who is "muy caliente!" At first, UTR was unable to obtain the ocular proof of her pulchritude. An image search on the internet for "irma gonzalez" yielded a wealth of pictures of Irma Gonzalez the female wrestler (far right; more photos available here, and adult videos available here). Fortunately, one of UTR's California correspondents subsequently submitted an excellent photograph of Judge Gonzalez (near right), which reveals her beautiful eyes and sparkling smile. Now UTR understands what all the raves are about!

Like Judge Baird, Judge Gonzalez is a former prosecutrix. She served as a state court judge in California before President George H.W. Bush appointed her to the district court in 1992.

3. The Hot. Frank M. Hull (11th Cir.)

In case you're wondering, Frank M. Hull "is a woman -- and oh, what a woman!" Judge Hull, 56, is "attractive in a patrician way," with a "remarkably pretty" face. This "luscious Georgia peach," however, has left a sour taste in some mouths.

Judge Hull -- who seems to be a bit of a judicial diva -- has been known to bench-slap colleagues at oral argument, as reported here, and some of her rulings have landed her in the Judicial Hall of Shame. Her profile in the Hall of Shame catalogs various cases in which Judge Hull was reversed unceremoniously by the Eleventh Circuit, back when she was still a district judge. The profile goes on to contend that Judge Hull "appears to be suffering from severe mental disability" and that "a litigant could expect better and more consistent results by throwing darts at legal principles stuck on a dart board."

Judge Hull, a former state court judge in Georgia, was appointed to the district court in 1994 by President Clinton. She was elevated to the Eleventh Circuit in 1997, also by President Clinton.

4. The Hot. Cindy K. Jorgenson (D. Ariz.)

Apparently the sun isn't the only thing that's hot in Tucson, Arizona. The youthful Judge Jorgenson, 51, is "smoking!" Her admirers are legion, as these glowing testimonials indicate. Heck, even the Pima County Sheriff has a crush on her! Judge Jorgenson, a law-and-order kinda gal, served as a state and then federal prosecutrix for almost a decade. Immediately before taking the federal bench in 2002, as an appointee of President George W. Bush, Judge Jorgenson was a state court judge.

5. The Hot. Nora M. Manella (C.D. Cal.)

Judge Manella, 53, is "exceedingly pretty and polished," "a real Wellesley girl." Other Wellesley grads produced from this sleek and glossy mold include television journalist Diane Sawyer and Senatrix Hillary Rodham Clinton, the bitch-goddess of the United States Senate (as shown in this list of famous Mona Lisa Smilers). Judge Manella, a wealthy and well-connected jurist with a "gold-plated Rolodex," is legal professional royalty. Her father, Arthur Manella, was a name partner for many years in the powerhouse L.A. law firm of Irell & Manella, where he served as a tax lawyer to the stars.

After graduating from USC Law School, Judge Manella clerked for the legendary Judge John Minor Wisdom of the Fifth Circuit. Before President Clinton appointed her to the district bench in 1998, Judge Manella served as the U.S. Attorney for Los Angeles, like another one of our nominated hotties, Judge Baird. (Not surprisingly, hotness appears to be a prerequisite for the position of U.S. Attorney in Lalaland.)

6. The Hot. Reena Raggi (2d Cir.)

Like her fellow nominee Judge Manella, Judge Raggi is also a 53-year-old Wellesley graduate with "superb bone structure" and "an elegant, high-gloss attractiveness." As one UTR correspondent stated, when asked by Article III Groupie if he had any other nominees he wanted to offer: "When it comes to the federal judiciary, I only have eyes for Reena!"

Judge Raggi's résumé is as sizzling as her appearance. After a successful career in the prestigious U.S. Attorney's Office for the Eastern District of New York, including stints as the chief of narcotics and the chief of special prosecutions, she was appointed by President Reagan to the district bench at the tender age of 35. Her 2002 elevation to the Second Circuit by President George W. Bush was non-controversial. In this press release, Democratic Senator Charles Schumer contrasted Judge Raggi, whom he praised as "an ideal nominee," with the winner of UTR's Judicial Diva showdown, Justice Priscilla Owen, whom he condemned as "a judicial activist of the first order."

7. The Hot. Marjorie O. Rendell (3d Cir.)

Judge Rendell, 57, is a "classy blonde" who "looks great," with "a wardrobe to die for." This celebrity profile of Judge Rendell in the Philadelphia Inquirer speaks admiringly of her "wholesome good looks" (which are unfortunately marred during oral argument by her tendency to "scrunch[] up her face in concentration"). In terms of personality, however, Judge Rendell can be "quite prickly." As the Inquirer profile notes, she "has a bit of a temper" and "can be difficult to work with," due to her "high need for perfection." (Did someone say the words "Judicial Diva"? If the Manolo fits, wear it!)

In addition to her judicial service, Judge Rendell has responsibilities for tea service -- as the First Lady of Pennsylvania! This judicial powerhouse is married to Pennsylvania Governor Edward G. Rendell, who also served as the mayor of Philadelphia before he was elected governor. (Think of the Rendells as Bennifer for poli sci geeks.)

By day, Judge Marjorie O. Rendell of the Third Circuit develops groundbreaking precedents affecting fundamental constitutional rights. By night, First Lady Marjorie "Midge" Rendell of the Governor's Mansion develops... recipes! Yes, now you too can whip up a feast consisting of Judge Rendell's Savory Meatloaf, Broccoli-Chicken Casserole (yummy but fattening -- that's a lot of cream cheese!), Stuffed Mushrooms, and Lowfat Raspberry Souffle (Article III Groupie prefers chocolate-based desserts).

Judge Rendell issues published opinions parsing complex federal statutes. First Lady Rendell issues First Lady's Favorites, a list of her favorite things. These include her favorite flower, the daisy; her favorite color, blue; and her favorite childhood memory, "Family Holidays and Vacationing at the Seashore" (schoolgirl capitalization in the original). Maybe Judge Rendell, who has a Broadway-caliber voice, can sing her own version of My Favorite Things: "When the dog bites / when the bee stings / when I get reversed / I simply remember my favorite things / and then I don't feel the worst."

As this puff piece in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette indicates, Judge Rendell used to bake cookies for political strategy meetings that her husband would hold in their home. Perhaps she can give the Senatrix from New York, who is famously averse to cookie-baking, a few helpful hints! (Of course, Hillary now claims to have a recipe for chocolate chip cookies, but everyone knows she just goes to Mrs. Fields.) Hillary could then repay the favor by giving Judge Rendell tips on how to deal with a philandering husband. As the Philadelphia Inquirer profile notes, the Rendells have been dogged by "years-long rumors of extramarital dalliances by [Ed Rendell]." (UTR has three words of advice for Judge Rendell: separation of powers. Put an end to the executive being in bed with the judiciary -- "Ed, you're on the couch tonight!")

Judge Rendell, a Clinton appointee, served as a district judge in Philadelphia from 1994 until 1997. She was then elevated to the Third Circuit by President Clinton (who is known to have a weakness for blonde-haired beauties).

8. The Hot. Patricia A. Seitz (S.D. Fla.)

Judge Seitz, 58, "definitely has the blonde ice princess look going." A former president of the Florida Bar (and its first female president), Judge Seitz is a skillful schmoozer who "knows how to work it." When she is willing to defrost, she can flash a "blinding, Julia Roberts-quality smile" (as you can see in the picture at right).

For 20 years, Judge Seitz was in private practice at Steel Hector & Davis in Miami, a city where it helps to be a hottie. She was appointed to the district court in 1998 by, you guessed it, President Clinton (who is known to have a weakness for ice queens).

9. The Hot. Amy J. St. Eve (N.D. Ill.)

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" Judge St. Eve, 39, "is ready for canonization -- as a Holy Hottie!" The youngest nominated hottie, Judge St. Eve earns one of the highest compliments from UTR readers: "She's so cute, you can't believe she's a judge!" Some attorneys confess that it can be "difficult to appear before her," due to her "distractingly attractive" appearance, which can also make it "hard to get the attention of male jurors." Before her 2002 appointment by President George W. Bush, Judge St. Eve worked in private practice and as a federal prosecutrix.

The job that helped Judge St. Eve the most in landing an Article III appointment, however, was surely her work for Ken Starr as an associate independent counsel during the Whitewater investigation. As noted here, Judge St. Eve is just one of several Starr deputies and protégés who have been rewarded for their loyal service with federal judgeships and U.S. Attorney posts. It seems that if you want to be appointed to the federal bench by President Bush, it helps tremendously if you were at one point in "hottie pursuit," chasing after Bill and his zaftig beauty Monica (famously described by Vanity Fair as "the face [or at least the lips] that launched a thousand subpoenas").

10. The Hot. Diane S. Sykes (7th Cir.)

Judge Sykes, 46, is "startlingly pretty and elegant," with a "cool," "businesslike," "yuppie sort of appeal." She has "lovely features," most notably her "rosy cheeks" with "nice high cheekbones." (For additional pictures of Judge Sykes in a variety of poses, click here, here, and here.)

Judge Sykes, who was formerly married to right-wing talk show host Charlie Sykes, is very well-connected in conservative circles. Not surprisingly, she was accused by many of being a right-wing judicial diva (see here, here, and here). One op-ed writer even wrote a column ominously entitled, "Diane Sykes Has Dark Secrets." (Talk about being alarmist! One of the so-called "dark secrets" is that Judge Sykes belongs to the Federalist Society. C'mon -- it's not as if Judge Sykes were She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!).

Despite this opposition, and surely aided by her attractiveness, Judge Sykes managed to win Senate confirmation. She now sits on the Seventh Circuit with the judge for whom she once clerked, Judge Terence T. Evans. Prior to her 2004 appointment to the Seventh Circuit by President Bush, Judge Sykes worked in private practice and served as a justice on the Wisconsin Supreme Court.

11. The Hot. Kim McLane Wardlaw (9th Cir.)

Judge Wardlaw, 50 (as of July 2 -- happy birthday!), "looks like Barbie," "Heather Locklear in a black robe." This blonde Hispanic hottie boasts "a fantastic smile" and an "incredible body," showcased quite nicely by her "elegant ensembles." She was nominated by several UTR readers, including her husband, Los Angeles power broker Bill Wardlaw, a private equity kingpin at Freeman Spogli.

The Wardlaws are very wealthy, with a fortune well into the eight figures, and they are incredibly plugged-in, on both sides of the aisle. Bill Wardlaw and L.A.'s Republican former mayor, Richard Riordan, were extremely close (at least until their well-publicized falling out). Bill Wardlaw was thus described in this article as "the Riordan administration's eminence blanc, a pale, brilliant, almost Jesuitical political tactician, the father to two of the mayor's godchildren." On the Democratic side, the Wardlaws are close friends of current L.A. mayor Jim Hahn, whose mayoral campaign was chaired by Bill Wardlaw, as well as Bill and Hillary Clinton. Indeed, the Wardlaws have graced the Lincoln Bedroom with their presence. An "FOB" ("Friend of Bill"), Judge Wardlaw was appointed by President Clinton to the district court in 1995, then swiftly elevated to the Ninth Circuit in 1998.

12. The Hot. Kimba M. Wood (S.D.N.Y.)

Judge Wood, 60, is "a hottie intellectually as well as otherwise," writes one reader. For present purposes, UTR is more interested in the "otherwise" part! And Judge Wood -- whose résumé includes Playboy bunny training in London, before she entered Harvard Law School -- certainly has the hottie credentials to back up this claim. Further coverage of Judge Wood's all-too-brief stint as a bunny is available here, here, here, and here ("Kimba Wood became a federal judge after she could not make it as a Playboy bunny").

Judge Wood is one of the few federal judicial celebrities who is also a celebrity outside the courthouse. Over the years, her name has appeared in boldface type in several New York tabloids, one of which infamously dubbed her the "Love Judge," based on her alleged affair with the high-flying, obscenely wealthy, then-married Wall Street financier Frank Richardson III. (Judge Wood was also married at the time, to Time magazine writer Michael Kramer.) For a description of Judge Wood, UTR will now quote from Richardson's diary, which was brought to light during his nasty divorce from socialite Nancy Richardson. (Yes, Article III Groupie realizes that large block quotations can be intimidating. But trust her--this is worth it!)

March 3, 1995: Lunch Kimba - Arqua. She tells me how close she is to breaking in her marriage. She is one year behind me. She says she wants to meet for dinner when [her husband] Michael [Kramer] and son are on Spring Break.

[Undated]: A week ago Friday, I called KMW. She seemed eager to meet. We planned lunch Monday. She said she was free Wed & Friday. I asked her for dinner Wed. night. We talked til 11. She is interested in every plane of being. I was really snowed and I knew she was getting there, too. Friday she picked a restaurant in SoHo . . . We sat facing each other on a banquet [sic]. She leaned toward me beaming. I love that picture [of] the black hair around her pearl white skin, the misty green eyes. The next morning, I said I was going horse riding. I met her and drove to her country home in Sheffield (Conn.). Absolutely charming and of great character. We had lunch, built a fire, put on music and spent as beautiful an eight hours as I have spent in my life. She is absolutely wonderful, very intelligent, a complete woman and person and able to give love wonderfully and freely.

April 3, 1995: I called her and asked what she was doing for lunch. I said what else matters. She said nothing. She was so beautiful, more than I remembered. I spent Sunday just realizing how deep the madness of loving her went. . . . She said she was wild when I touched her hands at Lutece. She said . . . I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

April 9, 1995: I am full of joy of being free of NR [wife Nancy Richardson]. Words can hardly describe the wonderful feeling I feel I have my future back. . . . Kimba that's something else . . . [I'm] wild, wild, wild about her. Overwhelmed. No sense of reserve . . . intoxicated by her body.

April 11, 1995: I awoke at about 5 a.m. - wide awake immediately. The first thoughts come flooding I am free. I never have to worry about NR again. Then I remember Kimba. Each day I realize that I am closer to a completely new life totally absorbed by her.

April 12, 1995: I have with such deliciousness rethought every moment with Kimba. She told me she was in a daze at Lutece. "I was just amazed at what you are." . . . When I first took her head and kissed her lips. . . . How she stiffened and gave slowly, but inexorably.

April 15, 1995: Kimba is today or tomorrow telling Michael she is going to leave him.

[Undated]: She is [a] very passionate and very sexual woman . . .

April 16, 1995: Kimba from pay phone. She told Michael she wanted out yesterday at 10 p.m. He accepted it. I guess any man would, based on the nonexistence of the relationship.

May 14, 1995: Kimba and I not seeing each other, but talking several times a day. The madness of crazed love . . .

Order in the court, order in the court! All this bodice- and robe-ripping is getting Article III Groupie hot under the collar! Can somebody please pass her a cold compress? Why can't she find a man who can love her like that (and who also has a fortune estimated at $175 million)?

After his divorce, Richardson married Judge Wood, upon whom he bestowed an enormous, flawless diamond engagement ring. Home for the happy couple is a fabulous prewar co-op on Manhattan's Upper East Side, which will be lovingly covered in UTR Cribs, a forthcoming report described near the end of UTR's Mission Statement. For photos of the glamorous couple at the New York City Ballet's opening night gala, click here and scroll down the page. (Don't miss Judge Wood's magnficient lavender gown with ruched neckline -- it sure beats a black robe! If you know who the designer might be, please email Article III Groupie.)

Judge Wood was appointed to the district court by President Reagan in 1988. In 1993, she was nominated for the post of Attorney General by President Clinton (who is known to have a weakness for dark-haired beauties). But she was forced to withdraw in the wake of a "Nannygate" scandal, as reported here. As Lance Morrow of Time magazine explains in this column, Judge Wood had actually followed the law in her employment of a nanny. But the Clinton Administration abandoned her nomination anyway, having just been burned by the nanny scandal of Zoe Baird, the first nominee for the post.

Male nominees:

1. The Hot. Harold Baer, Jr. (S.D.N.Y.)

Judge Baer, 71, is "handsome as the dickens," with "an accent that makes you turn your head and wonder, 'Is that Gabe Kaplan?', every time he speaks." Like his father before him, Judge Baer was a state court judge in New York. In 1994, Judge Baer was appointed by President Clinton to the federal bench. In 1996, Judge Baer came under fire from local and national politicians, including President Clinton, after he excluded 75 pounds of cocaine evidence from an accused drug courier's trial. As reported here, Judge Baer later reversed himself. Article III Groupie admires a man who's not afraid to admit he was wrong!

2. The Hot. Gary A. Feess (C.D. Cal.)

Don't you "wish they all could be California judges"? Of the twenty-one nominated judicial hotties, six are Californians. Our next nominee, Judge Feess, 56, also hails from the Golden State. He is "quite cute," in an "admittedly nerdy," "dork chic" sort of way. Sporting Harry Carey glasses, Judge Feess looks "kind of like Rick Moranis." According to a profile of Judge Feess in the Los Angeles Daily Journal, he is "not a ball of fire," but "a stern, extremely self-confident workaholic who is a stickler for details." (He does, however, listen to KROQ.) Before becoming a judge, Judge Feess worked in private practice and as a federal prosecutor. He served as a state court judge from 1996 until 1999, when President Clinton appointed him to the federal trial court.

3. The Hot. Alfred T. Goodwin (9th Cir.)

Judge Goodwin, 81, is "a very handsome man" who appears "at least 20 years younger than his 80+ years" (as shown in his picture at left). While a member of the Oregon Supreme Court, "he was a champion steer roper, with pictures to prove it on his chambers' wall." Yee-haw! Article III Groupie is ready to be lassoed, tied and dropped by this judicial hottie!

Judge Goodwin was appointed to the district court by President Nixon in 1969 and elevated to the Ninth Circuit two short years later. He became famous -- or infamous, as the case may be -- as the author of the Ninth Circuit's Pledge of Allegiance opinion in the Newdow case.

4. The Hot. Robert A. Katzmann (2d Cir.)

Judge Katzmann, 51, who caused "students to swoon" while a law professor at Georgetown, is "just plain hunky." And this is not just the opinion of fed courts geeks. Judge Katzmann has been seen in the company of stunning actress Natascha McElhone, on both sides of the Atlantic. They were spotted at a movie premiere in New York and again at a wedding in England, where they took the dance floor together. McElhone lives in London and is married to a plastic surgeon. (Article III Groupie asks her readers not to read too much into the bare facts that she reports.)

Judge Katzmann has a twin brother, Gary S. Katzmann, who is a federal prosecutor in Boston. If your motion for "judicial notice" is denied by Judge Katzmann, try to score a date with his brother! Judge Katzmann was appointed to the Second Circuit by President Clinton in 1999.

5. The Hot. Alex Kozinski (9th Cir.)

Judge Kozinski, 53, is a fabulous judicial celebrity who needs no introduction, having graced these pages with his presence on many occasions in the past. The arguments in favor of his superhottie candidacy are set forth here, in Judge Kozinski's nomination papers, and supplemental material is available here, in his Rule 28(j) letter to Article III Groupie.

For now, Article III Groupie offers you this photograph of Judge Kozinski and an unidentified blonde hottie. (Article III Groupie is getting jealous -- someone tell that Naomi Watts wanna-be to take her paws off A3G's man!) As that non-judicial hottie Madonna might sing, "Who's that girl?" Let the rumor-mongering begin!

6. The Hot. John G. Roberts, Jr. (D.C. Cir.)

Judge Roberts, 49, with his "youthful," "all-American good looks," is the "JFK Jr. of the federal bench." As his rival Judge Kozinski admits here, Judge Roberts is "young and extremely handsome." (Article III Groupie thanks the UTR reader who provided the photograph at left of Judge Roberts. When she searched the internet for pictures of Judge Roberts, she located only a single, fairly unflattering picture of Judge Roberts -- although she did stumble across this picture of "John G. Roberts," a super-cute British landscape architect!)

Judge Roberts is a member of the Elect, having clerked for the renowned Judge Henry J. Friendly of the Second Circuit, followed by then-Associate Justice Rehnquist. His professional achievements, including over 30 Supreme Court arguments, are literally incredible; you can read about them here (and then go off and wallow in your own inferiority). Judge Roberts headed the appellate practice group at the white-shoe D.C. law firm of Hogan & Hartson, before his appointment by President Bush to the blindingly prestigious D.C. Circuit. (Consider yourself warned: If a member of the Great Unwashed dares to cast his eyes upon the E. Barrett Prettyman Courthouse without sunglasses, he immediately loses his sight! The people you see going in and out of that courthouse wearing paper bags over their heads are disgraced D.C. Circuit clerks who failed to get Supreme Court clerkships.)

7. The Hot. Edmund A. Sargus, Jr. (S.D. Ohio)

Judge Sargus, 51, is "quite handsome," with a "distinct resemblance to a younger Michael Douglas." (For a detailed biography and larger picture of Judge Sargus, click here.) Judge Sargus served as the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of Ohio from 1993 until 1996, when President Clinton appointed him to the federal trial bench. Judge Sargus's wife, Jennifer Sargus, is a state court judge. Talk about federal-state comity!

8. The Hot. David H. Souter (U.S. Supreme Court)

Justice Souter, 64, may not seem like an obvious choice for a federal judicial hottie. But a UTR reader offers these remarks in support of his nomination:

I should hope I'm not the first person to nominate SOUTER, J. as a male federal judicial hottie. Not only can the man offer many an intimate night in his New Hampshire farmhouse -- away from the prying eyes of UTR, In Touch magazine, etc. -- but his daring late-night jogs through our nation's capital help him to both acquire a few sexy battle scars and keep a sexy musculature. Certiorari is GRANTED to that hot, lean body!

(Groupie, J., would dismiss the writ as improvidently granted. But as they say, "De gustibus non disputandum est!")

9. The Hot. Jeffrey S. Sutton (6th Cir.)

Our youngest male hottie, Judge Sutton, 44, is "very cute," in a "Howdy-Doody sort of way," as well as "always immaculately groomed." Judge Sutton is a member of the Elect, having clerked for Justices Powell and Scalia, and he is a four-time recipient of the "Best Briefs" award of the National Association of Attorneys General, as noted here. A Supreme Court clerkship, and clean underwear? What more can a girl ask for?

A UTR reader who has seen Judge Sutton in action -- at oral argument in Cincinnati, that is -- offers the following remarks:

I had never before seen, or watched a video of, Jeff Sutton. I had read about his confirmation hearings and I was expecting some sort of ogre. I was immediately struck with how soft-spoken he is. Not soft-spoken in the sense that he is meek, but his voice is rather high-pitched and not very loud. Kind of the WASP version of Mike Tyson (without the lisp or the appetite for ears). Everyone seems to lean in and pay attention so as to hear him better. He seemed like the kind of guy who comes home every night and tells his wife how beautiful she is, even on her bad hair days. He looks much younger in person than in newspaper photos. I imagine it would be very easy for his female clerks to have a crush on him and that that would embarrass him. He is no A&F model (thankfully!), but he is the total package: soft-spoken, innocent, handsome, kind, loyal, courteous, intelligent. Make him a Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary!

Article III Groupie says: "Amen! Break me off a piece of that!"

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Whoomp, there it is: the full slate of nominees for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary! Please give Article III Groupie a napkin, so she can wipe the drool off her chin! As noted above, the voting period begins now and will end on Wednesday, July 14, 2004, at 11:59 p.m. (Pacific time).

Thankfully, Yahoo! has just increased Article III Groupie's mailbox size to 100MB, so she is ready to receive the thousands of votes that will surely come flooding in. With the Fourth of July holiday just behind us, UTR calls upon you, its patriotic readers, to fulfill your civic duty: VOTE NOW for your Article III superhottie of choice!

Crazy in love with federal judicial hotties,

Article III Groupie