Searching Underneath the Robes: "big ass clerks"

Now, a short digression from the topic of OT 2005 Supreme Court clerks, while A3G waits for a few more juicy tidbits about Justice Thomas's incoming clerks (especially John H. and Ashley J.)...

It has been a while since Article III Groupie shared with you some of the more strange, amusing, or intriguing Google searches that have brought people to her blog. So she now brings you her latest Searching Underneath the Robes post. But first, some prefatory remarks.

1. The title of this category may be something of a misnomer, since it has nothing to do with how to search this blog for specific terms or names. If you do want to run a site search of UTR, go to Google and type in the following:

site:underneaththeirrobes.blogs.com [your desired search terms]

This will show you where your search terms have previously appeared in the pages of this august blawg. For example, you can search the entirety of Underneath Their Robes for references to your favorite federal judges. Try it -- it's fun! (If you think that an expected post is missing from what the results of your search, scroll to the bottom of the page and click on the "repeat the search with the omitted results included" link.)

Also, remember that the site search function is a bit like Westlaw: to get the best results, you must use the correct search terms. Don't forget that A3G frequently refers to certain federal judges, particular the biggest Article III celebrities, by their nicknames (e.g., "The Rock Star of One First Street," "The Easy Rider," "The Giant Hedgehog," "She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," "Guido," etc.). So don't overlook this fact when running your site seaches.

2. A3G learns about the internet searches that bring people to her blog by periodically reviewing her website referrers log, which provides her with basic information about how people access her site. (She has not yet obtained a more detailed tracker; she relies upon the fairly barebones one provided by Typepad.) Because A3G doesn't review her referrers log all the time, she misses many interesting or funny searches. As a result, these listings are never exhaustive.

And now, on to today's searches. It's interesting to try and picture the people who stumble upon UTR by running the web queries listed below.

1. As always, many people arrive at UTR in search of practical information, "news you can use," and helpful advice:

--how to let him kiss me
--if you missed your own wedding can the girl sue for embarrassment [hmm, a tough sell; maybe the tort of outrage?]
--How a husband apologizes for looking at porn
--best IL judge to work for [that's an easy question to answer: in the district court, this judge; in the circuit court, this judge]
--Indiana penalty for unpaid speeding ticket
--open or closed toed shoes with graduation robe
--email addresses for all female lawyers in new york
--constructive info on what jaguars eat and how they get their food [huh?]
--should i show my thongs [well, just stay away from Virginia!*]

2. Speaking of thongs, they are a topic of obsessive interest to UTR readers, as reflected in the searches below. It's understandable. After all, as this amusing article reminds us, "Monica Lewinsky seduced the most powerful man in the world with a flash of her thong.... Eve had her apple. Monica had her thong."

The luscious Lewinsky's seduction of President Bill Clinton set into motion a sequence of cataclysmic events, culminating in the first presidential impeachment since Andrew Johnson. The thong could therefore be viewed as a world-historical undergarment. (Yes, Hegel is turning over in his grave right now...)

--can nuns wear thongs [sure, why not? a nun's habit could give rise to VPL]
--Are thongs immodest [not necessarily]

--child actresses must wear thongs [really?]

--thongs showing blog

--pictures of girls in thongs

3. Some access UTR by running weird, perverse, or disturbing searches, with absolutely nothing to do with federal judges, the putative subject of this blawg:

--mother in law stares at son in laws package

--photos of little sister showing her brother her first pubic hair

--old men taking advantage of passed out son girlfriend porn pics

--do male Beagles eat their own dropping

--unwashed panties photos

--nude female white supremacist

--horny women over 50 wearing high heels spreading their legs

--celebrities that eat krispy kremes

--ghetto brawling on video

4. In light of many searches like the one below, A3G must clarify that the #1 Female Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary never appeared in Playboy magazine (i.e., she was never a Playmate). She merely trained, for a very brief time, to work as a Playboy bunny in the London Playboy Club. (For more detail, see here, item #3.)

--Ex playmate kimba wood

5. For some people, however, the Southern District of New York isn't good enough. They lust after justices; they are "High Court hos"**:

--naked supreme court judges

6. Speaking of First Street fantasies -- if this blog existed, it would be A3G's dream come true!

--address for (Justice) Rehnquist's blog

Actually, come to think of it, the Chief would be a terrible blogger. Chief Justice Rehnquist is known for the concision of his opinions; he never says more than is necessary, and he refuses to ramble on in self-indulgent fashion, like a good blogger should. (Perhaps someone could do a funny parody of a WHR blog -- hopefully something in better taste than this parodic blog.)

By the way, the idea of a federal judge who blogs may not be that far-fetched. After all, Judge Richard A. Posner has his own blog!

7. These blogs do exist, interestingly enough:

--catholic nun blogs

For example, take Moniales Op, a blog by Dominican nuns. The blog had some interesting posts last month, when Pope John Paul II passed away and Pope Benedict XVI took his place.

A3G was, by the way, transfixed by the pomp and circumstance surrounding Pope John Paul II's funeral and the selection of his successor. The conclave of cardinals was majestically impressive. The sight of these distinguished men clad in identical crimson vestments sent chills up her spine, conjuring up the glamour of a court sitting en banc...

The ritualistic magnificence of the papal proceedings underscored some core truths of Underneath Their Robes, the premises upon which this blog is based: glamour can be found in the most unexpected places; celebrity resides not just in firm young flesh, but in the sagging skin of old white men...

8. Uh, NO...

--should men wear thongs yes or no

--Federal Judges Should Read Their Moral Views into the Constitution

--is justice scalia gay [If so -- jeez, talk about self-loathing!]

9. Uh, YES!!!

--hillary clinton is sexy [If A3G were to explore the L-thing, a la Marissa on "The OC"...]

--hillary was an attractive and sexy young smoker

--Chris Wray sexiest man in the right wing conspiracy [For more, see here. Christopher Wray, by the way, has left the DOJ and is back at King & Spaulding.]

10. Uh, no comment:

--berzon b***h

(As A3G has previously stated, she is too scared to write about You-Know-Who in her blog...)

11. A3G is kinda tired, so write your own punchlines for these searches:

--how to pronounce koeltl

--big ass clerks

--eligible bachelorettes in Hamilton, Ontario

Okay, that's all for now. Hurry up and send A3G some quality tidbits about John H. and Ashley J., so she can get this party started. Later!

* As mentioned in this article, some people are complaining about the proposed Virginia legislation regulating underwear visibility on equal protection grounds, arguing that it would have a disparate impact upon racial minorities. My goodness! This reaction is even more stupid than the bill itself...

** A3G thanks the many readers who brought a very funny footnote from a recent Seventh Circuit opinion to her attention. You can read about that footnote here (Appellate Law & Practice) and here (How Appealing), among other places.