Article III Groupie will be announcing the winners of UTR's Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary ("SFJ") contest at some point over the next few days. (For the full list of official nominees, click here.) A3G is currently in the process of verifying the accuracy of her vote count, to forestall litigation by non-prevailing hotties, and preparing the announcement post. She understands how the suspense is keeping hundreds of lawyers awake at night--to say nothing of the anxiety being suffered by the nominated hotties (e.g., Kozinski, J.)!
Indeed, she received the following letter from one reader, inquiring into the reason for the delay:
Can we assume the Florida voting is once again delaying the process? Of course, if the matter needs to be heard by the Supreme Court, only eight will sit, as Souter, J., will have to recuse himself (but perhaps not if he had gone duck hunting with you).
A law school classmate of Judge Sutton
(who, as a straight male, has never viewed Judge Sutton as "hot," but he must have something going to be a nominee)
A3G assures you that she is working as hard as she can to tabulate and double-check the hundreds of votes that she has received, and she will report the certified results with all deliberate speed. In the meantime, however, there is a related matter that she would like to address.
As explained here, the deadline for submitting SFJ nominations was Friday, July 2, 2004. But many worthy judicial hotties were brought to A3G's attention after this deadline, through attempted nominations and also "write in" votes. Unfortunately, the courthouse doors are closed to out-of-time hotties, who are procedurally barred from consideration in this year's SFJ competititon. Article III Groupie is a stickler for deadlines, and she refuses to entertain argument as to why an untimely nomination should be accepted.
Equitable tolling based on excusable neglect, you say? My darling readers, A3G loves you all dearly. But there is simply no excuse for neglecting her delicious blog of federal judicial gossip! Compliance with the nominations deadline is jurisdictional, and the merits of an untimely hottie nomination cannot be reached. Thus, even flattery--e.g., "Article III Groupie, I didn't learn about your delightful blawg until I read the Newsweek piece and/or the ABA Journal article"--will get you nowhere. (Right now some of you are clucking disapprovingly, "What shameless self-promotion and raging egoism. How appalling!" To which A3G responds: "Diva is as diva does!")
Nevertheless, in an act of public service--this is her pro bono work for the year!--Article III Groupie will "supplement the record," by sharing with her readership the following list of late-breaking, up-and-coming judicial hotties (as she previously promised to do here). (As noted above, you may not vote for the judicial hotties listed below (and the deadine for voting has passed already anyway); this is for informational purposes only.)
1. The Hot. Carol Bagley Amon (E.D.N.Y.)
Judge Amon, 58, is a 1990 appointee of President George H.W. Bush. In June 1999, a juror sent Judge Amon a note complaining about the dilatory conduct of certain lawyers at trial. The note also offered a complaint of a different sort: "We men are particularly distracted by the judge, who is so hot we're afraid she's going to set off the smoke alarm."
Ouch--A3G just burnt her fingers on Judge Amon's sizzling bench! Did someone just shout "fire" in a crowded courtroom, or did Judge Amon just enter the room? Judge Amon is so incendiary that even nuns have admired her beauty. Sister Charlotte Lange of Judge Amon's alma mater, St. Gertrude High School in Richmond, Virginia, described her former pupil as "very attractive, a stunning-looking woman." And nuns don't lie.
2. The Hot. Nancy Gertner (D. Mass.)
"Great list of nominees!" writes one UTR reader. "But I think no list of females is complete without Nancy Gertner, D. Mass." Indeed! If liberal judicial activism turns you on, then Judge Gertner is your angel in the centerfold (as explained here, here, and here).
Judge Gertner, 54, is a 1994 appointee of President Clinton (and a gal pal of Hillary, with whom she attended Yale Law School). A former criminal defense lawyer who teaches sentencing at Yale, this "brilliant liberal activist" is a sentencing guidelines guru (for whatever that's worth, post-Blakely). One prosecutorial correspondent of UTR reports that Judge Gertner treats the sentencing guidelines as a plaything, deftly manipulating them to reach her desired results. But her politics aside, when it comes to attractiveness, "Judge Gertner deserves an upward departure!"
3. The Hot. Edith H. Jones (5th Cir.)
One UTR reader submitted his votes under protest, reluctantly voting for one of the official nominees "given that you failed to nominate the Fifth Circuit's Edith Jones. Have you ever seen her official portrait in the Fifth Circuit Courthouse?"
Judge Jones, 55, is a 1985 Reagan appointee. Under President George H.W. Bush, this right-wing judicial diva almost made it to the Supreme Court. She was interviewed by President Bush for the Supreme Court seat that eventually went to the Hot. David H. Souter, but President Bush found her abrasive and chilly manner so off-putting that he ended up going with his fellow Yankee, with whom he felt more comfortable personally. (What a mistake that was! "Et tu, Souter?")
Judge Jones is still quite young, and her name comes up regularly on Supreme Court short-lists for a Republican administration (see here, here, and here). But it may be difficult for this "Federalist Society pin-up girl" to win Senate confirmation, given her reputation as a "horsewoman of the right-wing apocalypse" (see here). Indeed, according to one story making the rounds, Judge Jones once complained to a defense lawyer that his client's last-minute death penalty appeal was keeping her from attending a birthday party. Death row inmates? "Let them eat cake!"
4. The Hot. Yvette Kane (M.D. Pa.)
The name of Judge Kane, 51, "is conspicuously absent" from the list of judicial hotties, writes one UTR reader. "She's as good-looking as she is a great golfer. The country club and the federal judiciary are better off for her presence!" Judge Kane, a former state prosecutrix, was appointed to the federal bench in 1998 by President Clinton (who has been crowned "the world's sleaziest golfer"). Fore!
5. The Hot. Colleen McMahon (S.D.N.Y.)
Judge McMahon, 53, is "quite pretty," as well as "a stylish dresser off the bench." A former partner at the New York litigation powerhouse of Paul Weiss, Judge McMahon is very active in the Episcopal Diocese of New York, which recently honored her with the Servant of Justice Award. She has written two collections of religious meditations, teaches Sunday school, and serves as a lay preacher. "Praise be to God" for this devout judicial hottie! Judge McMahon was appointed in 1998 by President Clinton (who is known to have a weakness for women).
6. The Hot. Pamela Ann Rymer (9th Cir.)
Multiple UTR readers complained about the omission from the superhotties nominees of Judge Rymer, 63, who is "very elegant" and "always perfectly coiffed." She is, however, something of a mystery outside the courtroom. This bachelorette judge leads a very discreet private life; even her clerks are in the dark over what's going on beneath her robe. Judge Rymer was appointed to the district court (C.D. Cal.) by President Reagan in 1983, and she was elevated to the Ninth Circuit by President George H.W. Bush in 1989.
7. The Hot. Stephanie K. Seymour (10th Cir.)
What?! President Clinton appointed the Victoria's Secret model to the Tenth Circuit? Actually, no. Judge Seymour, 64, may share a name with the supermodel--but the supermodel never went to Harvard Law School! Although she has never graced the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Judge Seymour is "a very handsome woman" who is "quite attractive" in her own right. Judge Seymour was appointed by President Carter to the Tenth Circuit in 1979, and she served as chief judge from 1994 to 2000.
8. The Hot. Karen J. Williams (4th Cir.)
Judge Williams, 53, "runs circles around your nominated crew!" (Her nominator blames her exclusion on anti-conservative, anti-Fourth Circuit bias.) Judge Williams was described in the New York Times Magazine as "a tall, slender woman with delicate features and a regal carriage" (in this piece, a thinly veiled attack upon the Fourth Circuit). A "lovely Southern belle," Judge Williams is known around Orangeburg, South Carolina, as "Miss Karen" (despite being married; as her nominator explains, "the first thing one must learn about Orangeburg is that every woman is referred to as Miss"). The well-heeled Miss Karen has a private plane, in case she ever needs to get to Richmond in a hurry, and "a personal shopper, to keep her looking elegant." Judge Williams, a 1992 appointee of President George H.W. Bush, is perhaps most well-known as the author of the Fourth Circuit's opinion, later reversed by the Supreme Court in Dickerson v. United States, holding that Miranda v. Arizona had been overruled by statute.
1. The Hot. Mark W. Bennett (N.D. Iowa)
Had he been nominated, Chief Judge Bennett, 54, "would have swept to victory as if virtually unopposed!" According to this UTR correspondent, Chief Judge Bennett is "attractive, charismatic, interesting, and creative. As an attorney, his Hotness used a cartoon--I think The Far Side--in an appellate brief to the 8th Circuit." A3G appreciates a man with a sense of humor! Chief Judge Bennett was appointed to the district court by President Clinton in 1994, and he became chief judge in 1999.
2. The Hot. Frank H. Easterbrook (7th Cir.)
"I'd like to write in for Frank Easterbrook for the 'bear' subcategory of Article III hottie," writes one UTR fan. "Not only is Judge Easterbrook large, single, possessed of a deep and growling voice, and hirsute in the extreme, he vacations in Alaska and has been frequently cited as an authority on professional football. Frank Easterbrook: Article III hot bear!" Wow--A3G is ready to be this bear's honey pot!
Judge Easterbrook, 56, was appointed to the Seventh Circuit by President Reagan in 1985. Like some of the biggest judicial celebrities--such as his colleague Judge Richard Posner, the inimitable Guido, and of course Justice Antonin Scalia--Judge Easterbrook is a former law school professor. (A Chicago correspondent points out that Judge Posner and Judge Easterbrook still teach one or two courses a year as lecturers at the law school. This reader also notes that Easterbrook, "a confirmed bachelor with a cat or two," was "a confirmed law school hottie who knew it," back in the day.)
And now, a slight detour. Speaking of Judge Easterbrook, has everyone read his saucy dissent in United States v. Booker, the Seventh Circuit's opinion construing the Supreme Court's recent opinion in Blakely v. Washington? Talk about bench-slappery! (And bench-slappery of his brilliant colleague Judge Posner, no less.) Here are some positively "Nino"-licious excerpts:
--"Why did the Justices deploy [the phrase 'statutory maximum'] in Apprendi and repeat it in Blakely (and quite a few other decisions)? Just to get a chuckle at the expense of other judges who took them seriously and thought that 'statutory maximum' might have something to do with statutes?"
--"Phrases such as 'it seems plain' are poor substitutes for authority in the Constitution's text or interpretive history."
--"Today's decision will discombobulate the whole criminal-law docket. I trust that our superiors will have something to say about this. Soon."
Meow! Does somebody need to be declawed?
(Yes, Article III Groupie knows what some of you are thinking. "Quotation from actual judicial opinions in the pages of UTR--is this the start of a troubling trend?" Don't worry, there is no cause for alarm; this is as far as A3G will go. If you're looking for actual legal analysis of Blakely and its circuit court progeny, go somewhere else (e.g., Professor Doug Berman's excellent sentencing blog, or Dahlia Lithwick's smart and funny article for Slate). A3G doesn't do windows, nor does she do substantive legal analysis, which she wisely leaves to others.)
Blakely doesn't have much of an effect on A3G's professional life, since her practice is not criminal--even though the hours she's forced to work sure are! (Yes, A3G once worked on a "white-collar matter," but it was not exactly Den of Thieves. After reviewing documents for a week, she shipped them off to the SEC instead of opposing counsel. Très sexy...) But A3G loves Blakely, even though she's not a criminal defense lawyer. Why? Blakely can be viewed as the federal judicial equivalent of the red carpet on Oscars night--it brings out all the stars!
Article III Groupie's head is spinning from all the Blakely action. Federal judicial royalty is turning out in force to parse this problematic precedent, and circuit splits are erupting all over the place. And A3G loves her some circuit splits, the federal judicial equivalent of a gang rumble between the Jets and the Sharks!
Circuit splits are the Article III analog to gang warfare, a la West Side Story. "Seventh Circuit's in gear / Our cylinders are clickin' / Fifth Circuit'll steer clear / 'Cause every judge of theirs is a lousy chicken!"
Major opinions analyzing Blakely are being penned by F.3d's marquee names. Everywhere A3G looks, there goes another brilliant judicial superstar, weighing in on the Sixth Amendment, Apprendi, and the fate of the federal sentencing guidelines:
"Hey, it's Judge Posner!"
"That big hairy guy over there--isn't that Judge Easterbrook?"
"Oh wow, there goes Chief Judge John Walker of the Second Circuit. Did you know he's President Bush's cousin?"
Just like Joan Rivers, your loyal correspondent is on the scene, fawning over the great legal minds that have accepted the Blakely challenge. This exchange between Article III Groupie and Judge Posner was overheard on the Blakely red carpet:
A3G: "Your Honor, Your Honor! Who are you wearing?"
Judge Posner: "Why, hello Ms. Groupie! It's so nice to see you again. As you might guess, my robe is by Murphy Robes."
A3G: "Of course, Your Honor. But what about underneath your robe?"
(Judge Posner, by the way, is also "a tad bit sexy," as noted by one Chicago-based reader of UTR. Yes, he does have a "strange resemblance to Mr. Burns" of The Simpsons. Compare Posner with Burns. But there's no denying that Judge Posner has a beautiful mind. As one Chicago attorney told UTR, "My legal assistant really has the hots for Judge Posner. But I don't think it has much to do with his looks!")
3. The Hot. Julio M. Fuentes (3d Cir.)
"I once had a case in front of Julio Fuentes," writes one UTR reader. "He certainly impressed two of my law students." To the extent that personality contributes to attractiveness, Judge Fuentes only grows more appealing, due to his being "extremely nice" and "a real gentleman." A former state court judge, Judge Fuentes, 58, was appointed to the Third Circuit by President Clinton in 2000.
4. The Hot. John Gleeson (E.D.N.Y.)
Judge Gleeson, 51, is "eminently appealing," in a "boyishly cute" way, according to readers who have had the pleasure of meeting him. Like nominated female hottie Judge Raggi, Judge Gleeson is an alum of the U.S. Attorney's Office for the Eastern District of New York, where he appears to have served as chief of practically every division at one point or another (e.g., appeals, organized crime, special prosecutions, and the criminal division). Sorry, ladies, but A3G is as disappointed as you are: Judge Gleeson is married with two daughters, as noted in this detailed bio. Judge Gleeson was appointed in 1994 by President Clinton.
5. The Hot. Henry H. Kennedy, Jr. (D.D.C.)
The "dashing" Judge Kennedy, 56, was appointed in 1997 by President Clinton. As noted in this detailed profile, he is the brother of Professor Randall Kennedy of Harvard Law School (Judge Kennedy's alma mater). Judge Kennedy is something of "a judicial Doogie Howser," becoming the youngest federal magistrate ever appointed, at age 28, and the youngest D.C. Superior Court judge ever appointed, at age 31. (And like Doogie Howser, he is a Princeton graduate.) Judge Kennedy served on the D.C. Superior Court for almost 18 years before his appointment to the district court.
6. The Hot. George P. Schiavelli (C.D. Cal.)
"Next year you'll have to include newly confirmed hottie George Schiavelli," writes one reader. A former state court judge, Judge Schiavelli, 56, was appointed by President George W. Bush earlier this year--to the still-warm district court seat formerly occupied by Judge Lourdes G. Baird, a nominated female hottie who recently took senior status. Talk about being in the "hot seat"!
7. The Hot. Ricardo M. Urbina (D.D.C.)
Judge Urbina, 58, is "pretty hunky," "tall and smooth." (The reader who submitted Judge Urbina's picture warned that it's "not a great picture of him.") Judge Urbina, formerly a D.C. superior court judge, was appointed to the federal district bench by President Clinton in 1994. Like a certain other Ricky, Judge Urbina can shake his bon-bon with A3G any time!
And so there they are--the judicial hotties who narrowly missed making it as nominees for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary. Although the foregoing supplemental hotties are not eligible for consideration in this year's competition, perhaps they will make it on to next year's slate of candidates. After all, federal judicial hotties are a dynamic group. New and sizzling judicial buttocks are being planted on the Article III bench every year, while once firm buttocks turn flabby. So if you submitted a late judicial hottie nomination, please remain a loyal reader of UTR, and renew your application when the competition starts up again next year!
P.S. Yes, yes, A3G realizes that you're dying to learn of the winners of the Superhotties contest. And yes, she admits she's trying to drag out the competition as long as possible, milking it for all it's worth. (She knows that you'll all abandon her after she has crowned the judicial superhotties.) But don't worry, you'll be hearing all about the winners very soon, either later this weekend or early next week...