Article III Groupie is an old-fashioned gal, which may explain her "ladies first" approach to announcing the results of the Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary contest. But her decision to announce the men after the women could also be chalked up to another adage: "Save the best for last!" A3G finds the male Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary absolutely irresistible!
Before the announcement, please permit A3G a brief digression. As Wonkette points out here, The Hill has just released its list of the 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill. There is no bigger fan of the federal judicial hotties than A3G, but even she may have to admit that these legislative lovelies have the edge over their counterparts in the judiciary. Compare these people with these people. If electoral politics is "show business for ugly people," as Jay Leno once quipped, what does that make the federal judiciary? (That was a rhetorical question; please don't answer it...)
And now, the results. Voting for the male nominees was even more top-heavy than the voting for the female candidates. The top five nominees received almost 95 percent of the votes, and the winner in the male superhottie category received a whopping 61.5 percent of all ballots cast. (Who might that be? Consider this prediction by Denise Howell.)
5. The Hot. John G. Roberts, Jr. (D.C. Cir.)
The "dashing" Judge Roberts -- described in his nomination blurb as "the JFK Jr. of the federal bench," with "youthful," "all-American good looks" -- takes fifth place, with 6.3 percent of the vote. Although certainly commendable, this fifth-place finish may mark the first time in his life that Judge Roberts, whose résumé is perfection itself, hasn't taken home the grand prize. Well, he can console himself with his seat on the D.C. Circuit...
4. The Hot. David H. Souter (U.S. Supreme Court)
As you may recall, Justice Souter was the subject of some minor controversy in these pages. It looks like Groupie, J., has been outvoted, as Justice Souter takes fourth place, with a healthy 8.4 percent of the vote. Voters were quite enthusiastic about the Yankee justice, praising him for "transcending the stereotype of the weirdo who lives with his mom, and surprising most of us." (A3G did not know, for example, that Justice Souter enjoys drinking good port, as well as climbing mountains -- presumably not at the same time, of course.) As one incredulous UTR reader asked A3G: "DHS not your type? The man has it all -- charm, intellect, athleticism, and a dry wit. Not to mention the most assets of all the Supremes, right? A number of elderly female members of the Supreme Court Historical Society would beg to differ with you!"
3. The Hot. Jeffrey S. Sutton (6th Cir.)
"Is there really any doubt here?" asked one supporter of Judge Sutton. "I think not. Judge Sutton gets my vote!" Other voters share this view, as Judge Sutton, with 9.1 percent of the vote, ascends to the lofty post of #3 Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary (male). UTR readers praised the "very cute" Judge Sutton for his "classic good looks." Considering how heated oral arguments can get in the shark tank known as the Sixth Circuit (see, e.g., this article), advocates can take comfort from the presence on the bench of Judge Sutton, "a sweet piece of Article III eye candy."
2. The Hot. Robert A. Katzmann (2d Cir.)
Carried by a wave of eleventh-hour support, "The Rock" (RAK) narrowly edges out Judge Sutton to become the #2 Superhottie, with 9.8 percent of the vote. Apparently UTR voters were favorably impressed by his squiring the blindingly beautiful Natascha McElhone about town. (Imagine how well Judge Katzmann could have done if his picture had been posted! Hey, there's always next year's contest to look forward to...)
1. The Hot. Alex Kozinski (9th Cir.)
Article III Groupie proudly proclaims Judge Alex Kozinski as the #1 male Superhottie of the Federal Judiciary! Judge Kozinski's aggressive campaigning paid off tremendously, resulting in his winning 61.5 percent of the vote, in a California mudslide of epic, Roland Emmerich proportions. Some voters tried to vote for AK using five different email addresses, and others tried to vote for him in both the male and female categories. (In light of the hair on that judicial chest -- see paintball picture below -- Article III Groupie rejected votes cast for Judge Kozinski in the "superhottie female" category.)
It's getting late, and A3G -- a moniker bestowed upon her by the #1 Superhottie, in fact -- is getting tired. So A3G will let her readers do her work for her and simply quote their many excellent comments about Judge Kozinski below, with minimal editing.
"Please put me down for Judge Kozinski -- he's the bomb!"
"Alex Kozinski. His lovely Romanian accent, which he hasn't been able to shake despite a virtual lifetime in America, gets me every time. Chalk one up to AK-47."
"Kozinski: Because he's a hot middle-aged pudgy man."
"I've known Judge Kozinski for more years than he or I would want to mention. He's only gotten hotter and hotter as the years go by. So he has my vote for 'Hottie.'"
"Kozinski: How could the blond hottie on his arm in the picture [click here, see male contestant #5] be wrong?"
And now, a quick aside concerning the aforementioned hottie. Article III Groupie is flattered by the reader who wrote to her, "By the way, the 'Naomi Watts wanna-be' in your pic of Koz looks exactly like I pictured you looking! Yummy. In fact, I'm suspicious..." Or, as another reader asked her: "Don't think that the suspicious similarity between the 'unidentified blonde hottie' in the AK photo and the sketch of A3G in the 'about me' section has passed unnoticed. Fess up; are you really AK's girlfriend?"
Unfortunately, no -- A3G cannot claim that honor. As it turns out, the stunning blonde is a woman by the name of Katie Haun, the Kozinski co-clerk of the Engels, who has just joined the ranks of the Elect. (Please, do not deluge One First Street with flowers; they'll never make it past security.) Brains, beauty... Some gals have all the luck! (And some gals have all the pain...)
"I spoke to Stevie Wonder and (before his death) Ray Charles, and they both said vote for Kozinski. How I can disagree?" (For other endorsements of Judge Kozinski by recently deceased celebrities, see the picture at right; click on the thumbnail for a (very enlarged) view if you can't see it well.)
"Look, on the men's side, there's no contest here. After all, the contest is for the 'hottest' judge, right? Alex Kozinski (aka AK-47, AK, Hotpants, the Romanian Love Machine) wins hottest, hands-down. You can keep your clean-cut Jeff Suttons. He might be the kind of judge you want to bring home to mom, but 'hot' he ain't."
Judge Kozinski "makes the ladies swoon. Count this as three votes for him really. Cuz he's just that hot."
"It's a toss-up between the classic good looks of Jeff Sutton and the sexy intellect and impish smile of Alex Kozinski. OK, if I have to only pick one, I'll go with Alex; he wants it more, anyway."
"I vote for that hot piece of ass Alex Kozinski!" (This comment was received, disturbingly enough, from Judge Kozinski's son, Wyatt Kozinski. Yes, UTR has a strict policy of keeping its sources anonymous -- but there is an exception when the welfare of children is at stake.)
"I vote for Judge Kozinski, 'cause I think he's totally a hottie. Well, that, and he's my dad." (Pursuant to the same exception, UTR discloses that this comment came from Wyatt's older brother, Yale.)
At the risk of sounding biased, Article III Groupie would like to conclude by offering a few words about Judge Kozinski on her own behalf. First, she would like to point out his wide-ranging talents, which include writing brilliant opinions, raising chickens (see picture at left), and acting. Yes, acting! Having watched the short film Inside Story, a movie discussed in more detail here, A3G can say with confidence that AK's star turn as a law firm partner is not to be missed.
Finally, she would like to express her thanks to Judge Kozinski for his unwavering support of "Underneath Their Robes." Judge Kozinski understands what UTR is all about, as these remarks of his in the Daily Journal article make clear: "People need to poke fun at the federal judiciary. We have foibles. We should not be painted like we walk on water... [UTR] is humorous, light and wasn't mean. I thought it deserved some encouragement."
A good sense of humor, a humble recognition of one's own imperfections, and a generous spirit. What more can one ask for in a Superhottie? As one of UTR's readers nicely put it, in casting a vote for Judge Kozinski: "Superhottie is as superhottie does!"
So there they are: the three women and the three men who rise to the level of Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary! UTR thanks all of its readers who submitted nominations and votes. Without you, of course, this competition would not be possible.
My goodness! A3G is just plum tuckered out from the effort she has expended on the Superhotties contest! (In addition, she has a deposition outline to prepare -- yikes!) And so UTR may be taking a little bit of a vacation. Of course, while she is gone, please feel free to email Article III Groupie with news and gossip about federal judges; it may just take her a while to respond.
Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the federal judicial superstars!